The Search Within

Sitting here on the balcony overlooking the enclosed atrium of my hotel room, I am listening to the soft voices of children laughing, the humming of the air conditioner, and splashing sounds of the pool. 

The decision to escape to the mountains came on Friday morning after being blasted by a patient, as I walked through the doors of my workplace. I had a difficult workweek along with my Dad being taken to the hospital, and an emotional funk I could not get out of. I sat at my computer and made reservations, called my husband, and told him after work that day, we were going to the mountains. I am a firm believer in self-care. The workday went from bad to worst and by the end of my day, my two worlds collided, I was emotionally drained. It took less than 30 minutes to pack, fill my water bottle, and grab a bottle of wine and my down comfortable, and out the door and into the truck for the ride North. 

There are a select few hotels I escape to. This particular hotel was not one of our usual spots, but it was close to George Childs’ Park with a hiking trail and waterfalls. I am really really particular of where I will rest my head, so the Quality Inn reservation made me a little nervous. I took the last top room suite with a balcony overlooking the atrium, and the suite had a King size bed with in room hot tub. The cost was cheap. Red Flag alert. We pulled up. Checked in. Made our way to the room. OK., the room was passable. It was large. The bathroom clean. The carpet needs to be replace, and the room was outdated. Passable. 

The hotel in general is fine. There is a really nice pool, atrium, and club on premises located off of Main Street. The hotel is under new management and is being redone. I am sure by next year the room will be updated, as well as the price. 

Today we drove out to the Park for my husband and me to hike, Bill to photograph. I kept walking, as he made stops for photo shots. We eventually caught up with each other at the end of the trail. There were signs all around to caution us of Black Bear territory. I would have loved to spot one, however, bears are more afraid of people, than people more afraid of bears. I passed by some old early 19^th century stone mills, and took in the sounds and smells of nature. As an introvert, I get my energy from within and walking through the woods connects me to my inner self and grounds me. I let my mind wonder. I felt calm and at peace. The waterfalls were magnificent and powerful. How could there not be a higher power? I sat and stared up through the trees, and watched the white clouds pass by and thought of heaven. There must be a heaven. There must be a place where my brother and grandparents traveled to upon death. I thought of 1997 and how my life began to spiral out of control in the years after. Drug addiction within my own family. Another death. Became a grandparent. Married a son off. Saw another son enter the Navy. A divorce after 23 years of marriage. New career. Remarriage. Depression. Trauma. PTSD. Therapy giving and receiving. Trying to keep it altogether. Stress headaches and vomiting. Setting boundaries. Grieving an old life. Trying to accept a new life.

 

After our hike and drive through the mountain roads, we came upon a pub known as 570. We sat outside and enjoyed a cold drink and delicious lunch. I had chicken pot pie loaded with fresh cut veggies in a wonderful tasty sauce. My husband had pulled pork. After lunch we drove some more than stopped for ice cream. We were back by 5p and Bill hit the hot tub and I took a nap. I awoke to the sound of children, opened that bottle of wine, took my computer and out on the balcony to write. (wine was terrible and I poured it down the sink)

As I sit here and listen to the children play in the pool, I wish some of those children belonged to me. I have yet to figure out how to live without them constant in my life. How can I learn to be an adult without children? I guess it is a process.  For now, I envision them swimming below, laughing and playing.