I worked late teaching a class Wednesday night followed by an all day training yesterday and today I am exhausted and I mean really exhausted. I am the counselor on site this weekend therefore I am home today and the plan was to clean this place however I do not feel like lifting one single finger. I had one cup of coffee and I am ready for a second cup. I know when I hit exhaustion when I do not wake up until 8am when I am generally up at 5a everyday.
The training was on Gender differences and Trauma. Over the last year or so I have been concentrating on trauma and practice trauma Informed Care with my patients because let's face it substance use and abuse is directly correlating with trauma. There were a few things I learned yesterday that were of interest. A female who is in and out of treatment and cannot maintain sobriety is directly correlated to the trauma and abuse in her life whether past or present. Gender identification occurs between the ages of three years old and five years old. The most difficult populations to work with are those who are borderline, antisocial and have trauma. Most females who are diagnosed as bipolar as actually borderline. Everything is subjective though so one must treat each person as an individual which I do anyway. I enjoyed the training as it was through Drexel University School of Medicine and since I graduated from Drexel University School of Medicine and I enjoyed being at one of their trainings. In my field and in order to keep my license to practice I must have 45 educational credits every two years. I just renewed my license so I am good until 2017. In addition, my employer mandates 25 educational credits per year so I found myself in classrooms and conferences constantly. Yesterday's training was 5 credit hours and I took a few online classes last week so I am almost half way there for 2015.
now on to that second cup of coffee and hopefully it motivates me.
I walked into the party and she looked at me with a look of puzzlement. It was not long before the look of puzzlement turned into a shy smile I remembered all too well. The smile was proof she recognized me after all those years. She had the same facial expressions but these were on an older face not the younger face I remembered. Her mother passed by and instructed her to socialize with all her guests who were all there to celebrate her birthday.
A dream so clear I could see the color of her hair. God, I miss her so much. Writing this post has me crying and tears are rolling down my face. The last time I saw her was October 2013 when I bought her a Halloween costume. Sometimes this pain just grabs ahold of me and does not let go. I loved her. I still love her. She was a regular part of my life and I was a regular part of her life. I wonder if she ever thinks about me. If she ever misses me as I miss her. She will be 8 years old this year. She will make her First Holy Communion in May and I am going to miss it all. Sometimes the pain hurts so much I wonder if I will survive it.
The weirdest things come to mind while doing the simplest of things for example eating popcorn and thinking about taking the two younger boys to the orthodontist for braces and spending all those hours/days/weeks sitting in waiting rooms for fittings and checkups and one thing that sticks in my memory is the dental assistant explaining the dangers of eating popcorn while wearing braces. If I remember correctly it had something to do with the popcorn getting stuck between the braces and the gums. I spent a total of five years of weekly orthodontic visits between Josh and Joey. I use to call it the 3,000 dollar smile because at that time braces cost exactly that amount per kid per set of braces. I cannot imagine how much braces must cost today.
As I said it is the weirdest of things that cross one's memory. Maybe, it is because I am getting older. Maybe, it is because I miss those years while the boys were growing up. Small children meant small problems. I wish I did not take things for granted back then but I am sure I am not alone in that department where parents come into play. We are so busy with the hustle of daily living and raising children that we forget to take the time and really enjoy them. I thought I enjoyed their growing up years and I remember thinking about just this while they were growing up however I still wish I took it slower and did not sweat the unimportant things.
Every six months like clock work I took the boys for dental checkups at the pediatric dentist a few blocks from their grade school. I wonder if my own grandchildren visit the dentist as often? In my opinion, taking care of one's teeth is very important for overall health. The first thing I notice in a person is their teeth. I was never fond of the dentist myself so I made especially sure I took very good daily care of my teeth and yes I do visit my dentist. Not to mention, I am a firm believer in flossing. Yes. Every. Blessed. Day. More. Than. Once. A. Day. As a matter of fact, I carry floss in my handbag.
She helps me to cope. Such a large order for such a small person. She helps me to live with the loss of another little girl and her father. She is the sunshine in a sometimes dark world. Every other week I visit her and I hold her in my arms and I talk to her and kiss her and watch her look into my eyes and smile. She is beautiful and sweet. A few short hours with her and my world is brighter. Aubree will never replace Ava however she lessens the pain. I will remain in Ava's life as much as her mother permits other than that she is kept tucked closely in my heart.
My visit with Josh today was good timing as his brother called me while at Josh's house and the two brothers had a good conversation. I expected to see another son and a couple of grandsons today however the call never came. I am sure there is a good excuse.
I went to see Les Miserables in New York yesterday which was a birthday gift from my husband. It was a wonderful day. It has been a long time since I had such a peaceful and happy birthday. We took the train into New York. Grabbed a taxi. We had lunch in a Celtic pub before going to the theater. The play was wonderful. We had great seats which were seven rows from the stage in the center. When we came out of the theater, it was snowing and we walked through the snow to the train station came back to the area and had dinner at a Mexican restaurant.
Tomorrow begins another work week. I have to teach a class Wednesday night and attend a trauma training Thursday. Next weekend I will be the counselor on site which I do every 8th weekend and believe me that 8 week rotation comes around fast. The Monday after the weekend I generally crash. Daily living is not easy but it is never boring.
My plan for the evening is to make a cup of green tea, have an apple turnover with that tea and watch War and Remembrance.