I know now that I will never go back to my house. Over the past year I had thoughts that maybe I could return and pick up the pieces however that thought ended yesterday. If I cannot sell the house, I am walking away from it. Walking away is not what I am about as I have been financially responsible since I was 18 years old.
I deactivated my Facebook account as well. Stories have a habit of going viral in a matter of minutes and yesterday was no exception. Imagine how I felt when I came across the news article on the page of my husband's relative who had no idea of the connection between me and him. I can tell you what my reaction was. I wrote under the article on the page that "he is my son". Then there was the shock factor reaction of "what?????". Yeah. I said "he is my son and I love him".
People have been asking me why he pleaded that way and I have no answers and if I did have answers I doubt I would share them. I was completely taken off guard yesterday. I had to walk out of the room because the overwhelming feeling of wanting to vomit had taken over.
I did not go to work today.
I am looking for a permanent home now.
I will not live the remainder of my life in shame. I will not hide from this reality and if people prefer to drop from my life so be it. I know most will stay.
Exhausted. I am so mentally and physically exhausted. Stress has aged me. I never felt old until this past year.
Tired. I am so tired of keeping it altogether. It is now time for others to keep it altogether. I do not have the energy to keep my family together. They will need to navigate the road ahead. I cannot do it anymore.
I never asked for any of it. It has been thrown into my lap by others. I have always taken responsibility for my own life. I am 55 years old and have held a job since I was 18 years old. I put myself through college. I raised my children. I work long hours. I pay my bills. I do not lie. I do not steal. I believe in God. I believe in family. I believe in leading a decent life. I do not need to be rich nor famous nor anyone else but me. I am OK with me. If others are not OK with me, then frankly they can fuck themselves. I am over it. I am not mending anymore fences. I am done begging.