Most people do not understand how depression can impact a holiday season then add situational nonsense and stress and it can become the perfect storm of emotions. It starts at Thanksgiving for me. I do not have many expectations around the holiday season as I once did in the past. For me, holidays are something to get through the best way possible. The most difficult part of this holiday season is being without the two people I love and trying to accept my new normal. I have not been too successful around the "new normal". I do not talk about my feelings and/or struggles with anyone because "frankly" no one really wants to hear it. I just wish some people close to me could be more authentic in their own feelings instead of the "pretense" that everything is so "great" all the time. Maybe I need people to be more "real" and less "fake". I am finding that "fake" pushes me away. I am not one to be fake so I do not expect it in others.
Anyway, Christmas Eve was quiet. Too quiet. I was way up in my head and I spent the entire night tossing and turning and at some points even crying. I felt so alone inside. Empty. Sad. Though I did not feel entirely hopeless so I suppose that is a plus. I read two books in less than a week (The Age of Innocence and Rosemary, The Hidden Daughter), the latter in two days. Reading is a great coping mechanism. I went through all the movements of shopping, cooking, wrapping, working, grandparenting and visiting my mother and traveling to see my son.
Aubree and I sang songs and played games. Her smile and love are a joy and I know it is her mere presence in my life that helps fill the emptiness. Her excitement on watching Rudolph can make the sadness person happy.
I hope that 2016 brings me acceptance of my new normal and that I can finally place the past behind me and move on without all the "would haves, could haves and should haves". Maybe, I can even make a decision about my house in Roxborough. I have been holding onto to it for five years thinking I may someday move back but in all reality no one can just go back because everything has changed so if I do go back I have to understand it would have to be a new beginning and everything is going to need to be changed so it feels like a new house as oppose to the old house. I trust that God will help me to make the correct decision.