Saturday, February 20, 2016

Nikolas and Ava

Facebook sends you memories daily from pictures or posts from the past. Last night this picture popped up from 2011. Nikolas and Ava together as it once was. Sadly, I do not see them together again in the future. The enormity of the loss is great and if I allow it the loss can feel overwhelming to me so I make a conscious effort to keep the loss in check. I have to or else I would not be able to carry on in daily living. Ava should be a part of daily living. She should be traveling with Shaun & Nikolas to Canada next month as she did in the past. It was always Shaun, Nikolas and Ava. Three grandchildren three years apart each in age traveling along with their grandmother. That was the life I always envisioned. I never imagined a life where I would not have a close relationship with all my grandchildren. That is me. That is who I am. I remember a family member telling, "I am sure Ava misses you too". My response was "Oh God, I hope she does not miss me because if she missed me she would be sad". I would never want Ava to feel loss or pain. I would never want Ava to be sad because she missed me. I believe that is called love. I want her to be healthy and happy doing all the things little girls do. I want her to have friends, play with dolls, ride bikes, play, sing, dance, work hard in school and most importantly I want her to feel good about herself, love herself and grow into a responsible loving caring woman. I want her to have an education, a career, someday maybe be married and have a family of her own if she chooses. I want her to hold onto hope and faith and believe in her ability to live life to the fullest.           

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