A Journey into the Past: September 2017

Sunday, September 17, 2017

The Grace of Aging.

I went to the neurosurgeon last Thursday and it appears I will need to have spinal surgery. I have been in constant chronic pain more than three months that prompted an Urgent Care Visit, X-Rays, a Primary Care Visit, MRI then Neurosurgeon. I have five herniated lumbar discs however it is only the L5-S1 that is creating issues for me. The herniation resulted in the disc laying on a spinal nerve which prompts sciatic pain down through my buttocks to my foot, The pain in my buttocks and right below my knee are the most severe. I cannot stand for more than a few moments without pain or weakness or numbness in my leg. Walking short distances is ok. Sitting is ok. Trying to sleep at night is horrendous. I have not missed any time from work. I suppose my sense of responsibility supersedes my pain. I never had an accident that could have prompted all this so it appears genetic.

When did I become old?

That was the question I pondered last night as I sat around the fire pit in our back yard. I used to have so much energy and I was so active. I first felt I aged right after I experienced all that stress with Joey's issues. I would be lying if I said it did not affect me. By the end, I felt so tired emotionally and physically from trying to hold it altogether that when it was over I felt so much older. I slowed down significantly hence forth. I was forced to accept my new norm in life. Things would never be the same for me. I would always view life through new lenses whether I liked it or not. Loss would be a term I would have to be comfortable with. I would also have to come to terms with the fact that most people would never understand what this loss felt like or how much of a challenge it would be to keep moving forward despite it. That being said I am pretty tenacious, and I know how to persevere, be persistent and have patience. I also know how to find the positive and I have faith in God.

Who else but God knew the gift of Aubree at that same time would be the hope and joy we all needed. My faith in God and that little girl has sustained me.

I am not sure what the future has in stored for me. I suppose I will find out tomorrow when I will have surgery and once I know I will need to get my responsibilities at work and home organized. I hope for a speedy recovery as I plan to work fulltime for the next ten years.

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