The Masks We Wear

Cover up our insecurities, self-doubt, failure and sadness. What better way to get through a day, than to hide behind a mask? We do not want anyone to see our pain, so we put on that smile. How many times has someone asked you how you were, and the immediate response was I'm good. Hey, I am even great!

What a lie.

The most precious thing about babies is they never hide behind a mask. If they are tired, hungry or in pain, they cry. They frown. They smile. They giggle. They laugh. When we look at a baby's face, what we see is exactly what we get. They are so genuine with all the innocence, yet untouched by the challenges of this world. I heard a quote about babies vs. adults. At the end of that reading, I wondered what it would be like to be that genuine once again. To show the entire world what we feel.

As we grow up, we learn to hide behind a mask. Most of us have several masks in which to chose from. Today, I had my professional mask on. When I came home, I took that mask off and replaced it with the mask of life is good, when in fact it felt a bit sad and lonely. I learned at a young age that certain emotions were acceptable, and some were not acceptable. We are a sum of everything we have learned through our lives.

Seven weeks of learning to set boundaries. Difficult to do. Even harder to maintain. The part I forgot was the horrible pain, and guilt that goes with the boundaries. I am told it gets easier. I want it easier now. Every part of my life, I have been setting boundaries, and trying not to cross over into other's boundaries. It is difficult. I know it will get easier in time, and the pain will fade as well as the guilt. It is just so hard now. I have to say what I mean, and mean what I say, and not turn back or else the boundary is compromised. I have to feel the hurt, and the guilt in order to get passed it. God Damn, no one told me how hard that was going to be. Do you know how hard it was to tell my boss "no" when asked to work 12.5 hours yesterday in order to teach a class? I said "no" (boundary set) but then came the guilt and the self-doubt. How many times I told myself I should have said "yes" even though I knew I would be fried today. How many times I thought I would be fired. How much self-doubt one can have just by saying the word, "no". Making a decision, then worrying if I just cut off my leg?

People pleaser. Caretaker. Mrs. Fix it. Yes. Hate confrontation. Help others before helping myself. Taking on someones emotions that clearly do not belong to me. I am learning. It is difficult and grueling, but I know that I will be more content, and those whom I love will gain a sense of self. It took 52 years to have an adult life. I have friends whom I go out with. I laugh. I cook if I want and more honestly never do. Stop at Whole Foods for a quick salad for dinner. Buy a glass of wine. Taste a new beer. Sleep late or rise early. Have visits with my grandchildren and children instead of thinking I was responsible for everyone and everything. Freedom.

So the next time you look into the face of a baby and he/she frowns or smiles, it is true and genuine unlike the frowns and smiles adults put on. How to have that feeling again. So pure. So precious. So real.

Speaking of babies, we have a new little girl who will be joining our family in March. The family is forever growing.