Every Action has a Consequence.

He said he does not believe she could be his daughter because she does not resemble him nor any of his nieces or nephews who have the strong dominant Cannon genes of red hair, and freckles, or those prominent big blue eyes that have always been a hallmark of a Cannon. The Cannons are tall, both male and female. He believes she resembles the other guy.  After meeting her, I have to agree with him. Because we are too attached to this emotionally charged situation and may not be objective, we spoke to his older brother and showed a picture of her to my sister in law who also said she could not see a Cannon resemblance.  Three years ago the DNA test reported he could not be her father. He took a second DNA test yesterday however we know these over the counter tests are not accurate because the labs that run the tests have poor regulations and the only true accurate test is the chain of custody test done at a private lab. Those private lab tests are both regulated and legal though very expensive and unless her mother pays for one it will not be done. Her mother started this shit storm therefore it is her responsibility to make this situation right. At this point, whatever the results there will always be that doubt that it is inaccurate or has been tampered with. There are too many unanswered questions, coupled with lying and emotional instability.






Why wait all these years to inform someone they may have fathered a child? How could one not know they were pregnant or know who the father may be?  Why allow another three years to pass before requesting a repeat test? None of it makes sense. Too many years have passed. When one does not raise a child or knows of their existence, there is no emotional connection. Relationships develop over time and need to be nurtured. One cannot magically become "Daddy" or "Mommy" to a grown adult.The entire situation is very sad as no child should grow up not knowing who their father is nor should a father have been kept from their child.




 I have no idea what is going to happen however I must place my confidence in God that everything will work out as it should. I know one thing I want peace of mind.

Counselor

It was an emotionally challenging day at work today. Patient number one was getting ready to discharge today. Treatment was successfully completed. Vivitrol administered. Prescriptions filled out. Doctor seen. IOP set up. Then, as she waited for her parents to pick her up I received a call telling me her probation officer was in the lobby with an arrest warrant. An arrest warrant for a possession charge. I went to the female building and braced her for the events that would be shortly unfolding. I had her call her parents. I copied two sets of discharge paperwork including completion certificate.  I got two envelops and place a copy of each set of paperwork in each. I packed one envelop with her things since her parents will be coming to pick her stuff up then I walked her over to the lobby with another set of paperwork to give to the probation officer as proof that she successfully completed an inpatient program and received the Vivitrol injection. They handcuffed her and shackled her which I personally thought was "overkill" for the charge. I talked her threw the ordeal and walked with them to the car.


I work in a profession where 90% of the patients I encounter have some sort of legal involvement as a result of substance abuse. I speak with more probation/parole officers, judges, attorneys and DA's than I could ever count in all different counties/cities throughout the state of Pennsylvania. Honestly, I feel like I am an attorney myself at times. Advocating for people is very much like an attorney. You should see the arguments I prepare to get patients more inpatient time from insurance companies. This profession is not for the faint of heart and one better know how to speak and write because one does a hell of a lot of it everyday. Whatever happened to the days where a patient laid on a couch talking while the therapist listened and never said a word. Yeah. That kind of therapy does not exist anymore. Today, therapy is advocating, teaching. doing case management while helping someone cope with their substance abuse, mental health, legal and family issues. It is about finding someone a safe place to live dealing with DHS or CYS workers conducting family session and teaching family education. It is about court continuous, visitation, trauma, educational and employment issues. It is about paying an overdue bill or applying for food stamps. It is about finding peer or recovery support. It is about every part of a patient's emotional, physical and spiritual health.


I believe a good counselor can balance it all and still have compassion and empathy. So many counselors burn out or get jaded in this field because the success rate is low and the relapse rate is high and the work is exhausting both mentally and physically. I personally believe it is the best profession in the world. Maybe that is why I am still working at it years later to the point where some of my coworkers who have not been in the field very long ask me how I manage to still be doing this type of work when in fact they are burning out. The only answer I can come up with is the love I have for the work and the fact that some people have gone through terrible things and if they survive the perils of their existence and land at my door step  then I am going to help them with my best effort. I firmly believe in HOPE.

A Day in the Life of a Drug & Alcohol/Mental Health Therapist

So far this week I have gone into work early and left late. It has been an emotionally exhausting week thus far. The last four new patients on my caseload  were admitted after they survived an overdose when given Narcan. These are young people and our state especially the city of Philadelphia is in crisis as folks are dying everyday from overdoses. It is clearly an opiate epidemic and myself as well as the other counselors have been working tirelessly to help but we are human too and the emotional toll it is taken on us is very real.   Imagine having a job where the success rate is low and the death rate is high.

Depression, Suicide, Loss of Hope

I received a message today from a childhood friend who informed me another mutual childhood friend committed suicide yesterday. He apparently said "I have had enough". What did that mean and why?

Then, I began to remember when we were teenagers and how he first entered my life. He was friends with my older brother Michael and Michael and I had the same friends. Brown hair, brown eyes and not very tall. However, he had a presence about him that demanded notice. He drank a lot but I cannot say he had a problem with alcohol as we all probably drank more than we should have back in those days. I dated him for a very short time when I was about sixteen. He went into the Navy after he graduated from high school right after my own brother joined the Navy.

I remember going to his wedding. It was the best wedding and I remember how much fun we all had. I was already married to Joe and was the mother of three little boys under 5 years old. He married a girl who was a nurse. They had children. They moved into Winchester Park. I did not see him much after that except at house parties or weddings then funerals of some of our other friends.

Today, I felt sad. I received Donna's message right after I facilitated a group between 11a to 12p. Group discussion was about Depression and suicide and the importance of being medication compliant. I spoke about "Hope" being the light at a very dark and long tunnel and I told my group to hold on with both hands to the hope because the darkness will pass. Once group was over I looked down at my phone and read the message.

I have had friends die from various reasons but I believe I never had a friend commit suicide. Eddie died in an alcohol related car accident. Cheryl died of a heart attack. Danny died of liver disease. Frenchie died of lung cancer. Now, Al is gone too.

Holiday and Depression

Most people do not understand how depression can impact a holiday season then add situational nonsense and stress and it can become the perfect storm of emotions. It starts at Thanksgiving for me. I do not have many expectations around the holiday season as I once did in the past. For me, holidays are something to get through the best way possible. The most difficult part of this holiday season is being without the two people I love and trying to accept my new normal. I have not been too successful around the "new normal". I do not talk about my feelings and/or struggles with anyone because "frankly" no one really wants to hear it. I just wish some people close to me could be more authentic in their own feelings instead of the "pretense" that everything is so "great" all the time. Maybe I need people to be more "real" and less "fake". I am finding that "fake" pushes me away. I am not one to be fake so I do not expect it in others.

Anyway, Christmas Eve was quiet. Too quiet. I was way up in my head and I spent the entire night tossing and turning and at some points even crying. I felt so alone inside. Empty. Sad. Though I did not feel entirely hopeless so I suppose that is a plus. I read two books in less than a week (The Age of Innocence and Rosemary, The Hidden Daughter), the latter in two days. Reading is a great coping mechanism. I went through all the movements of shopping, cooking, wrapping, working, grandparenting and visiting my mother and traveling to see my son.

Aubree and I sang songs and played games. Her smile and love are a joy and I know it is her mere presence in my life that helps fill the emptiness. Her excitement on watching Rudolph can make the sadness person happy.

I hope that 2016 brings me acceptance of my new normal and that I can finally place the past behind me and move on without all the "would haves, could haves and should haves". Maybe, I can even make a decision about my house in Roxborough. I have been holding onto to it for five years thinking I may someday move back but in all reality no one can just go back because everything has changed so if I do go back I have to understand it would have to be a new beginning and everything is going to need to be changed so it feels like a new house as oppose to the old house. I trust that God will help me to make the correct decision.

Substance Abuse Disorder in Young Adults

Complexities in Practice and Understanding Theory

The above topic is a training I attended last Friday at Brynn Mawr College Graduate School of Social Work & Research. In order to keep my license to practice in the state of Pennsylvania, I must complete 45 hours of training every two years. In order to keep my job at Fairmount, I must complete 25 hours of training because that is what's required for DDAP. It is safe to say, I will be in a classroom as long as I want to keep my license and since it took a hell of a lot of work to get that license in the first place (besides sitting for state boards) I intend to make sure I keep it.

I work with a lot of patients between the ages of 18 to 30 years old and given that the average heroin addict is a white male between the ages of 18 to 30 years old from the suburbs, I chosen a class to address this population. I would rate this training as no more than adequate. Though, I did learn some new information most of the information I was already aware of. I wanted to learn more about prevention as well as more therapeutic interventions. There was very little information about prevention and the interventions spoken about such as Motivational Interviewing and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are techniques I already use. I guess I wanted something more.

What I did learn;

Chester, Delaware and Lancaster Counties have the highest addiction rates especially as it pertains to opiates. It is not Philadelphia.

Most kids start taking pills right out of their parent's medicine cabinets right in the home. The message I received appeared "common sense", lock up the medications.

Environmental concerns around the pharmaceutical age and the minimization of the use of marijuana fuels the addiction process.

When raising your children "Explain not blame". We live in a time of "Prescription Explosion, Minimization of Marijuana, An Opiate Epidemic, College Age Drinking". One crushed 30 mg Percocet equals 5 bags of heroin. Kids ages 18 to 25 years old are the biggest abusers of prescription opioid pain relievers (right out of their parent's medicine cabinets), ADHD stimulants and anti-anxiety drugs such as Ativan, Xanax, ect. More than 3,000 young adults die yearly from prescription drug overdoses. Notice this number does not include heroin addicts. Today, drug overdose is the leading cause of death in young adults.

75% of opioid addiction patients switch over to heroin. More than 300 million opioid pain medication prescriptions are written every year which equals one bottle of pills per adult in America. I will add that this is one of my "pet peeves". I will never understand why doctors/dentists feel it is necessary to write opioid prescriptions for every little pain/procedure. One in twenty high school students has abused Vicodin, and one in thirty high school students  has abused Oxycontin. Guess what? Over 50% of them started at age 12 years old.

Then there is the myth surrounding today's marijuana and its addictive substance known as THC. In the 1970's and 1980's marijuana contained lower than 4 to 5 % of the addictive substance THC compared to today's marijuana which contains an average of 80 to 90 % of the addictive substance of THC. Because of the popularity of medical marijuana and the perception that marijuana is not dangerous has lead to a culture of acceptance. The problem is the concentration of THC in today's marijuana is a catalyst to mental health problems in our youth. Our brain does not even fully develop until age 25 years old so using a substance high in THC on an undeveloped brain creates problems with the brain. especially when it comes to impulse control, decision making and problem solving.

There was also a lot of discussion around process addictions and substituting one addiction for another. Many folks with substance addictions also have process addictions or those who become sober from the substances turn to process addictions such as gambling, codependency, internet, food, sex, pornography, gaming, body image and obsessive dieting and exercise, shopping, clothes, clutter, work, cutting, kleptomania, depressive cycles and being attracted to chaos.

Fact;

38% of us cannot go more than 10 minutes without checking our cell phones, or email.

There is a whole new generation growing up in the technology age which fragments language and leads to fragmented relationships. Of course if we do not know how to form healthy relationships than we automatically decrease our much needed social interaction and supports. The most important thing adults can do is model behavior. Put the cell phones away at the dinner table and limited internet use.

Fact:

82% of substance abuse and/or process addicts also have a mental health diagnosis. It does not matter which came first but it does matter that both are treated at the same time.

Counselors need to understand both addiction and mental health and learn to bridge the gap.

As a society we must remove the stigma of those with addictions and mental health diagnosis in order for proper treatment to occur. There are so many people who suffer in silence for fear of being an outcast in society. It is a disgrace how society treats those who suffer whether it be the individual or family.

"Remember if you do not heal from both you may not heal from either".

What can we do to help? EDUCATE EDUCATE EDUCATE

The important thing we can do to help our children as they enter into young adulthood is to build resiliency.  Kids who are resilient do better than kids who are not resilient. It can be developed over time because it is learned. Pay attention to your kids. Listen intend of preach. Nurture. Make your home a safe place. Model the behavior you want from your kids. Do not be inconsistent. Watch your unrealistic expectation of your children. Children who do not feel so good inside feel isolated and will look for external things to feel better. And remember that even the healthiest family framework can produce a child who wonders externally however if they were given a solid foundation, and they do not die prematurely as a result of the external instant gratification with help and support, they can come back and live healthy productive life.

(Michael Blanche MSS LCSW)

In All Things Serious

It honestly feels great to be sitting here in bed drinking my coffee and writing a post after a crazy few weeks at work. I looked forward to this scheduled four day weekend and it finally arrived and I intend to enjoy every single moment of it. I love my work but sometimes I need a break from it. When I think about the craziness of some of those days I think to myself "I seriously cannot make up the shit I have seen or heard". Some of the things I was told over the last few weeks whether it was the excuse for leaving treatment against medical advice such as "I only came into treatment because my drug dealer was on vacation" to "I am going to "trick" on the avenue to buy footballs for my son's team" to "We were only fighting" when caught with one's pants off with another on top.

My background is in Human Behavior and that is exactly what I studied in college. Along the way, I gained certifications in Drug & Alcohol, Trauma Informed Care and various other sub-topics not to mention the twenty year background in the medical aspects of the human body. Bottom line is I have always worked in the Health Care Field whether it was addressing the physical or mental health of an individual.

I originally went to college back in 1978 for a degree in medical assistance. Once in the work force, I went back to college to pursue a degree in Laboratory Sciences. I then spent twenty years working in a Lab part time on the 2nd shift while my children were preschoolers and when my youngest child started first grade a position opened up for a first shift Lab Supervisor which I placed a request and was hired. I worked in that position for seven years until I was showing a new Phlebotomist how to do blood cultures on an eighty year old man in the CCU who spiked a fever and when I placed the needle in his arm (the trainee was holding the arm) the trainee let go and the man grabbed my arm and pulled me violently across him as the needle flew up in the air blood went everywhere as the bed rolled across the room because nursing forgot to set the brake on the bed.

The end result was a torn right shoulder (I am right handed) and the beginning of the end of that career. I continued to work but I needed surgery and that one surgery turned into three surgeries and chronic shoulder pain. At the same time I was dealing with one son in addiction. Another son joined the military immediately after the events of 9/11 and went off to war. My marriage of twenty three was ending. I was pretty stressed so I made the decision to do three things to help myself. I went to a therapist who specialized in Addiction. I started attending Al-Anon meetings. I decided to return to college and take an Addiction class to learn everything about what my son was going through. That one college class led into another and another and before I realized it I was on my way to a new degree and a new career. Three degrees later here I am.

I truly believe that "Where we are in life is exactly where we are suppose to be".  Of course the unknown is frightening and when we are going through stress and pain, we do not understand or even want to feel those feelings however if I had not experienced all that I experienced in those years I would not be in a career I truly love and believe I am really good at. When you go to work everyday "loving" what you do, the days fly by and there is so much job satisfaction. I never felt that feeling in the twenty years at the Lab.

Some maybe thinking if I still believe that where we are in life is exactly where we are suppose to be after the events of the last four years which to all standards was far more tragic and stressful than anything else one can imagine. My answer is still "Yes". Addiction was not limited to one son and the addiction of another son and his girlfriend led to a tragedy of unbelievable proportions and consequences for all of us. We will never truly know what happened that night though I have my own thoughts on the matter as I reviewed the situation not  from a place of emotion but a place of evidence of what I seen and heard. But as the mother of the accused I was never asked and when I tried to offer I was shut down by all parties involved including detectives, lawyers and courts. The point I am trying to make is "Yes" I believe those things happened for a reason though I rather wish the lessons could have been learned in a much different way. As a result a family lives without their son and a daughter lives without her father and her father's family including this grandmother writing this post. You can take the first part of that last statement two different ways.

Today, my sons are sober and have learned some difficult lessons. One son is going off to Villanova this Fall to become a Certified Recovery Specialist. The other son is working as a Peer Specialist helping other addicts whose crimes led to incarceration.  Before that son went to prison I told him  he had two choices. He can chose to get involved in the chaos of prison life by continuing to do drugs in prison and get into trouble or he can learn from his mistakes and become a better person. I told him that he will always have the love and support of his family. That being said, I told my son that anything we send him, he is to share among those who do not have any outside support. Every book I send him (he is an avid reader so I ship a dozen at a time) he is to pass out to others when he is done reading, He receives money on his books to buy things he needs to pay for medical and dental care and special treats/food and he is expected to share those things as well with others who have no support. Thus far he has chose to stay out of trouble so he resides in a dorm (much like as he did in the military) not a cell, took advantage of classes and is now working as a peer specialist who runs groups and is a mentor to other incarcerated addicts. He reads. Works outs. Plays softball and basketball. Officiates on the softball teams. He looks well. He sounds well. Is this what I wanted for his life? Of course not!. I do not believe any parent wants their child to learn lessons the hard way. My children seen to have to learn lessons the hard way and as a result it impacted the daily living of this mother in many ways. I became a counselor as the result of one son and a better counselor as the result of another son. I no longer take things or people for granted. There is very little that gets me upset these days because when you have experienced the worse nothing can compare to that feeling.  I certainly do not care what anyone thinks about me and I do not feel as though I need to prove anything to anyone which is a significant change for a person who was a perfectionist in all things. I lost friends along the way and some family members. However, the true friends remained as well as the true family members. In a sense I am lucky that way because I got to see clearly who are true and loyal.  Because I have experienced being in that very dark place, I can truly relate to those who struggle with or had struggled with depression.

 Today, I view the world through a new set of lens and for that I am grateful.

My Journey

I came across a picture of you today. You were four years old, down the shore at my parents' house standing next to my father who sat on a chair with Sophia on the other side. Though I have come to some sort of peace within myself, the picture caused a wee bit of pain in my heart. Yes. I miss you more than you or anyone else will ever know.

Adversity can destroy a person or it can make a person stronger or wiser. I believe it has done the latter with me. There are not too many things that rattle my bones anymore because when you have had my experiences and had felt my pain, there are not too many things that could impact you. I no longer take things for granted nor do I get upset over the small things and when you really think about it most things are small and not worth the worry.

On the other hand, the pain I experienced has not made me bitter which is what I feared the most. The pain has made me more compassionate towards the pain of others. I am a better mother, grandmother, wife and counselor today. I have more patience. I look at people and see the inside no matter what the exterior may show. Mostly, I feel joy where there was so much pain. I laugh often. I experience each and every day and often times live daily life as if it were my last day on this earth.  I have faith in God and people. I am filled with love. I hold tightly onto hope.

I do not know exactly why I was not destroyed as a result of my experiences. There were some very dark moments when I did not know if I could hold on. I did somehow hold on and I am glad I did because the clouds did leave and the sun did shine again. I cannot go back and change anything but I can start all over. I extended my lease another ten months and in those ten months I will make a decision on whether or not I return home. The important thing is I continue to move forward love deeply and experience life on life's terms.

Sunday

So I finished reading "Mary Boleyn" by Alison Weir then read "The Children of Henry VIII" by John Guy and I am ready to start another book so I will need to chose one from my wish list on Amazon. I have succeeded the amount of books I can buy under my book club therefore the last four books I purchased outright and since I have to wait another week for the book list credit I will be purchasing another book today. I think I have gone above and beyond using my love of reading history as a coping mechanism. Reading keeps me out of my head therefore allows me to manage daily life even though the anticipation of April 13th draws closer.

Again, it is better than taking pills. If I learned anything over the last four years it is how to cope in a positive way without resorting to chemicals psychiatrist love to prescribe and yes I am in the mental health field and realize some folks need medication in order to function however I stick by my beliefs that no one needs to resort to benzodiazepines in order to cope. Benzodiazepines are "Band-Aid" drugs that do not address the reason behind the symptoms of anxiety but doctors will prescribe them for anyone who presents in their office complaining of "stress or anxiety". Talk Therapy works for symptoms of "stress and Anxiety" because it addresses the underlying issues. Learning how to cope in positive ways such as tapping into your strengths (reading, journaling, exercising, ect) takes the "edge off". No one has died having a "panic attack nor insomnia". It is so important to tell yourself to "roll with it" and you will be surprised how better you will feel in the long run. I think the major problem folks have is the inability to feel uncomfortable therefore they need instant gratification instead of being able to sit with uncomfortable emotions. Life is having good and bad days. We are not suppose to feel good everyday. Everywhere around me I hear people saying they need to take an "Ativan" or "Valium" or "Xanax". Bullshit.

Apparently, I have some opinions today. If people knew how "bad" they will feel coming off those "drugs" they would more likely not start taking them to begin with and actually get  into Talk Therapy. Again. I am not referring to folks taking other types of psychotropic medications for Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia. Medication compliance is very important if someone needs to take antidepressants such as Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, ect. or a mood stabilizers such as Lithium, Seroquel, Depakote or antipsychotics such as Risperdal even Haldol for Hallucinations and Delusions associated with Schizophrenia. Folks with these disorders need medication in order to function in daily living. Actually, it is a blessing that these medications exit since it keeps people out of psychiatric hospitals and institutions. One hundred years ago, folks with mental illness ended up in jails, and institutions because they were symptomatic.

One Type of Depression. My Struggle.

Dysthymic disorder, also called dysthymia, is characterized by depressive symptoms that are long-term (e.g., two years or longer) but less severe than those of major depression. Dysthymia may not disable a person, but it prevents one from functioning normally or feeling well. People with dysthymia may also experience one or more episodes of major depression during their lifetimes.



It is difficult to explain to someone who has never had this struggle or fought this fight. The above is a textbook definition taken directly from the National Institute of Mental Health. You see, I may be a counselor who spends most of my days everyday teaching educating and counseling others who struggle with this form and/or other forms of Mental Illness. There. I said It. Mental Illness. This is the form of depression I struggle with and though I am not disabled from it, the feeling is always there like a dark cloud that hangs over my head all day everyday despite interventions. It is there something unseen to the naked eye however it is still there. Some days I feel like I am drowning while other days I feel like I am keeping my head just above the water. No matter how I feel, I move one foot in front of the other with the fear that this will consume me and I will fall into the deep dark tunnel. Twice I fell in that dark tunnel. The first time was 1994. The second time was 2011. In1994, I had no idea what was happening to me. One day I could not get up and it took an entire month to get back up. The first time I ever took a leave of absence from work that did not involve the birth of a child. The second time was 2011. I knew what was happening and missed three weeks of work.

I am one of the lucky ones because I never had to be hospitalized and took a holistic approach minus the outpatient therapy and Zoloft. I learned how to take care of myself. It is so important to take care of yourself when you are not feeling well.

Why am I talking about this? Now?

The last few weeks have been difficult. Though I get up everyday and go to work, I find myself with little to no motivation once I am home. I have no desire to do the everyday things that need to be done. When I force myself to do the minimal of tasks, it is with great effort. I am surviving and not living. Oh I recognize it. So I am forcing myself to write about it because writing is one of my coping mechanisms. Reading is another coping mechanism. I have been reading a new book nearly every other day the last two weeks. I have always been an avid reader but reading this many books in a short period of time supersedes even me. Remember, I have a fulltime job. I guess my point is I work then read and that is about it.

My blood pressure has been high too. Not a good thing for a person diagnosed with Ischemic blood vessels in her brain. I was given that diagnosis when I suffered a TIA about eighteen months ago. When I tell people I feel like I have really aged over the last four years, I was not kidding. I feel more exhausted and slower in my gait. I never felt older before. I sure feel it now.

So I feel like I am complaining. My intent was not to complain but force myself to write. I hope my effort results in a more motivated person tomorrow not the walking dead person of late.

Self Care Work Shop

It has a very long time since I slept so well and felt so rested in the morning. I believe it is the result of attending the Self Care Work Shop at my old Alma Mater at Drexel yesterday. I took my mother with me because she has been caretaking my uncle Gene who is in a nursing home for Demetria and it has taken a toll on her overall physical and emotional health. It was not until I was in the middle of the work shop that I realized how good it was for me as well as I have been wrapped as tight as a ball and had been experiencing symptoms related to stress such as irritable bowl, high blood pressure, increase in heart rate, headaches, back pain, shoulder pain, neck pain and insomnia. The symptoms have been creeping up and I have been addressing each symptom with Advil, acid reducers, green tea and hot showers. I never stopped long enough to realize the symptoms were all a result of stress and my inability to recognize or reduce it. I have some coping skills that I use such as writing, reading, warm baths, future pacing such as planning my next vacation. What I learned yesterday was coping skills are used after you find yourself stressed however how do you take care of your self so that the stress is prevented from the start. I never thought of it that way.

It comes down to taking care of yourself every day and not waiting until you are stressed out or burnt out. Yesterday, we took Art, exercise and dance classes, seminars on deep breathing and classes on nutrition and yoga. We had a wonderful breakfast and lunch provided by the university. There were nurses who took our blood pressure and Massage Therapists who gave massages. Best of all, it gave me the motivation to begin my own daily self care plan. Losing a few pounds would be great however losing weight is not my intent. As a matter of fact, I learned yesterday that most of those so-called diets out there are not only unhealthy they do not sustain weight loss or overall good health. I learned yesterday that proper food choices is the key to long term weight loss and overall good health. The nutritionist told us you are not suppose to starve yourself or work yourself to death in a gym. As a matter of fact, she suggested you front load your breakfast with protein (eggs, yogurt, salmon) add a whole grain (what toast, oatmeal) exchange fruit juices for the whole fruit )banana, orange, apple, berries). She suggested a healthy snack mid-morning (peanut butter and apple) then lunch (protein, grain, veggies, fruits) mid-day snack (hummus and pita) and dinner (protein, grain, veggies, fruits) even treat self to a sweet. She suggested making your own trail mix which should be one grain, one protein and sweet( cheerios, beans, sunflower seeds, dried fruit or chocolate chips). She suggested smoothies for desserts.

As far as exercise, you should get at least 30 mins of exercise everyday for good health and if you want to lose weight increase it to one hour. The best part of this exercise regiment is you should break it down into 10 min intervals throughout the day instead of all at once. Marching, side steps, stairs, swats, walks can be all done throughout the day without a gym. Who cannot manage 10 mins at a time throughout the day. I always thought I needed to go to a gym and workout for hours. I also thought I needed one of those diets where you have to lose ten pounds a week. Yesterday, I was taught by an expert that the latter is not only unhealthy but unrealistic as it does not sustain overall weight loss or health.

Art in any form is a great way to take care of yourself and it comes in the form of drawing, writing, photography, music, gardening. It is about creating something. I like to write and garden. My husband likes photography and music. I think we are both covered in the Art forms.

Dance. It is not only fun and a great way to use muscles you thought you never had but it is good for those who struggle with anxiety and depression. There is a new thing out in Philadelphia called Dancing the Blues Away and it is learning dance steps to blues music which I learned yesterday. What a blast we had.

Yoga, massages, deep breathing should be a regular part of daily living which means one should not wait until they are stressed out before using these techniques. It was a great work shop and since I am one of those people who likes to learn things and incorporate them into my daily life or as Bill tells me "I am always evolving". I came up with my own self care plan as followed;

• Writing each morning before I start my day so I guess you will see more blog entries.
• Ten min exercises throughout the day starting when I arise in the morning.
• Taking lunch away from my desk no matter how busy I am then taking a short 15 min walk to clear the cobwebs of stress out of my head.
• I always eat cheerios and a banana for breakfast everyday and a mid- morning clementine at 10am, generally a salad with beans in it for protein at lunch however I need to cut down on the sweet snacks as I love chocolate and pie. I also need to cut down on the wine. I generally always have a glass of wine with dinner and dessert afterwards. I do not drink soda or fruit juices and I drink at least 48 ounces of water a day so I am good with that practice.  I have two cups of coffee in the morning but I never use sugar on anything. I drink a cup of green tea in the evening of course without sugar.
• I want to start walking more in the evenings. I always read so I am good with that.
• With the nicer weather coming back I know my weekends will be filled with genealogy research a.k.a walking in cemeteries, hiking, photographing and of course when we open the beach house I will be back to bike riding and swimming.
• Making a point to get manicures every two weeks and a pedicure once a month. No. I will never get "fake nails" but I will get my own nails polished.
• Taking a vacation every three months as oppose to every six months. Currently, Bill and I plan vacations in the month of April and October. April is usually a "fly" destination and October is "road trip" destination. I think we will incorporate two long weekends too.

The stress in my life is not going to go away anytime soon however maybe if I incorporate what I learned yesterday I can avoid the consequences of constant stress as my blood pressure has been running high and that is a huge red flag for me as I suffered a TIA a year ago. I have a very stressful job and the last four years of my personal life has been unimaginable. My goal is to "do better" and "be better". And true to form, I always like to share what I learn.

The Training

The Baby

The Dress

The Shoes

The Jewelry

The Snow

Daily Living and Everything Else

I worked late teaching a class Wednesday night followed by an all day training yesterday and today I am exhausted and I mean really exhausted. I am the counselor on site this weekend therefore I am home today and the plan was to clean this place however I do not feel like lifting one single finger. I had one cup of coffee and I am ready for a second cup. I know when I hit exhaustion when I do not wake up until 8am when I am generally up at 5a everyday.

The training was on Gender differences and Trauma. Over the last year or so I have been concentrating on trauma and practice trauma Informed Care with my patients because let's face it substance use and abuse is directly correlating with trauma. There were a few things I learned yesterday that were of interest. A female who is in and out of treatment and cannot maintain sobriety is directly correlated to the trauma and abuse in her life whether past or present. Gender identification occurs between the ages of three years old and five years old. The most difficult populations to work with are those who are borderline, antisocial and have trauma. Most females who are diagnosed as bipolar as actually borderline. Everything is subjective though so one must treat each person as an individual which I do anyway. I enjoyed the training as it was through Drexel University School of Medicine and since I graduated from Drexel University School of Medicine and I enjoyed being at one of their trainings. In my field and in order to keep my license to practice I must have 45 educational credits every two years. I just renewed my license so I am good until 2017. In addition, my employer mandates 25 educational credits per year so I found myself in classrooms and conferences constantly. Yesterday's training was 5 credit hours and I took a few online classes last week so I am almost half way there for 2015.

now on to that second cup of coffee and hopefully it motivates me.

Vortex

It is Saturday morning, a day I wait for all work week. Going to bed Friday evening knowing that I do not have to get up at 530a the next morning somehow helps me come to terms with the chronic insomnia I have been experiencing the last few weeks. Every night over the last few weeks, I have stayed awake worried about things I cannot control. I tried all my stress reducing techniques; reading, listening to music, aromatherapy hot baths, green tea to no advail. Sometimes I would fall asleep only to awake a few hours later then fall back asleep again. Sometimes I would stay awake and stare at the clock as it ticked to 1a followed by 2a followed by 3a only to fall asleep a hour before the alarm went off. Sometimes the nightmares would come and I would awake too frighten to move. Last Sunday morning at 4a I broke my toe walking in the dark to the bathroom. Every day I wake up tired and pray I can make it through the work day. I refuse to take off or call out sick. Working is good for me. It keeps the depression at bay. As long as I move everyday, I can keep my head out above the dark vortex that tries to suck me down. Focusing on helping others, involving myself with my grandchildren, taking each step forward, I am able to survive this. Though, I am convinced that the constant stress will do me in one day. Headaches, stomach distress, chronic fatigue are a daily reminder that the stress and worry is running uncontrollable within.

I feel like the therapist needs a therapist however I am tired of talking about it so I remain silent and travel on. No one knows the pain I feel inside and no one will ever know it. I allow others to see what I want them to see. I am the great pretender. The core within is beaten down basically broken. I know I am still around because I either am not brave enough or I have to remain a strong constant for my sons and grandchildren. They are OK as long as I am OK. Again, the great pretender.

Over 70,000 hits on this site thus far. It is amazing to me.

Bargaining With One's Past

 Your life has been a string of events that leads you to where you are now – in part determined by doors opened, doors closed, and the history, decisions and happenings that contribute to who and where you are today. When you look back on your life so far, how do you feel? Optimally, there are no regrets. But in reality for many, when you're having difficulty feeling okay with where you are now, you may look back with regret and grieve lost opportunities, lost relationships, no-win situations, and unfortunate decisions that you perceive as having affected the trajectory of your life – if only you hadn't married your ex; if only you hadn't put your career on hold to have children, if only... The list in your head of imagined and impossible negotiations to bring your loved one back or to gain access to that better life you should have had can painfully distort your thinking.

In this process, you grieve the loss of what you perceive would have been. You see yourself as having lost something, or the idea of something that is profoundly meaningful to you, and the experience is every bit as real as suffering after any kind of traumatic event.
          

It is a common experience to look back at aspects of your life with regret, but for most people it isn't the only motivation for fantasizing about the past. Instead, many psychologists believe that almost everything you do is meant to be self-preserving, even if it turns out to be self-destructive instead. During challenging times in your past, you undertook certain actions and beliefs in an effort to manage or avoid difficult situations and uncomfortable experiences. When you fantasize about things coming out differently than they have, you are attempting to transform the experience, albeit briefly – to allow yourself a respite from regret and other painful reminders of past “mistakes.” This process lets you briefly have the outcome you want.


Unfortunately, fantasy allows only a brief respite. You made the choices you made and have become the person you are. In the present, reality is reality, loss is loss, and nothing can be shifted by renegotiating your actions in the past. Retroactive bargaining is a band-aid that can make you feel temporarily better, but can leave you feeling worse when you come back to now and are painfully reminded yet again how things actually turned out.


That said, retroactive bargaining yields important information. Noticing a particular time or area of your life that you fixate on may indicate that there is loss in your life that you have not allowed yourself to adequately grieve. The event could even have happened 20 years ago or longer, but at the time you weren't able to give it the attention it needed to heal.


Ultimately, instead of engaging in retroactive bargaining, work on forgiving yourself for the decisions and actions in your past that you wish you could have changed. Yes, hindsight can illuminate how differently you could have handled something. But what gets lost, is context. As you engage in retroactive bargaining, you are doing it with all the knowledge you have now without taking into account what you knew and who you were at the time. There were reasons and forces and more factors than you could possibly have been aware of that compelled your choices and the outcome. (If only I paid attention to my gut feeling and not allowed her to stay the night)


If you find yourself in the cycle of regret, replaying a scene in your head and sculpting a different outcome, try to acknowledge that there are reasons you did what you did at the time. Understand that your past self didn’t have the wealth of knowledge or perspective your current self does. Putting your past in context and acknowledging that there were more forces at play than you may have considered at the time can help you feel more accepting of the person you are now.

Will You Join Me.

It really annoys me when I read about school shootings. It infuriates me that the media glorifies these shootings. What ever happened to integrity? I am disgusted by irresponsible journalism. I am even more disgusted that this country does not support the treatment of mental health issues.

Let's start with the media. Is it really necessary to flood the papers, news channels and internet with shootings of children by children? Is it necessary to constantly write about the horrors of Sandy Hook prior to the anniversary until the anniversary then after the anniversary? Did it ever occur to any of those writing these articles that there is some other mentally ill child out there without the "means" to act and that perhaps you may be supplying the "means"? Have you any idea that the constant reporting, glorifying and 24/7 coverage provides some emotionally ill child out there the "idea" of how to "act" on his/her fantasy, distorted thoughts, anger, revenge or neglect? And please do not preach to me that mental illness is an excuse for bad behavior. Try sitting across from a person who hears voices, sees dead people, devils and believes someone or something is after them. Do you believe for one moment that these folks like feeling this way? How would you like it if you thought you saw your dead 12 year old sister sitting across from you and having a conversation with you. Part of you understands that this sister was killed when she was 12 years old after she stepped out into that road while holding your 5 year old hand, was hit in front of your 5 year old eyes and was killed instantly. Spend the following years with survivor's guilt reinforced on a daily basis by your grieving parents who "blame You" for the accident. "If she was not paying attention to you, then "may be" she would have never took that step onto the road and in front of that speeding truck". What if you were brutally raped and beaten and left for dead only to wake up a week later after coming out of that coma, which was a direct result of head trauma only to begin to hear command voices to "stab someone" to the point that if you did not "stab someone" you would be killed?

This stuff is not from a movie. This stuff really happens. I know. I am their therapist.

We live in a country with access to opportunity, to medical care, to advances in drugs and services that can place a person with hallucinations and delusions into remission. So why are there so many mentally ill people living on the streets without access to treatment and services? I have my guesses on the answer. Could it be that insurance companies deny the very basic treatment of a person who may be suicidal and/or homicidal? Try stepping a suicidal or homicidal patient up into a locked unit where medication is mandatory to arrest symptoms. Insurance companies can deny that care if they can justify their answer. What happens to that person? Do we discharge them to the street? There is a 50% chance the facility will keep the patient despite not being paid. Then there are the medications! One medication works better than another medication to arrest symptoms and help the patient live a better quality of life until "bang" insurance does not want to cover (the very expensive cost of) that particular medication because "they" think you should use another "cheaper" medication.  Who cares if the "cheaper" medication is not effective. It's cheaper!

Services for our mentally ill population are sparse. We have a variety of outpatient and day programs, but what we really need are residential programs. I am not talking about state hospitals where everyone is locked up for years (though we do need a few), we need safe residential assistant living programs for mentally ill folks who are stabilized on their medication and still need assistance with daily living and medication compliance. Get them off the streets and out of the shelters and into programs and I guarantee we will see crime rates decrease, homelessness decrease, substance abuse/dependency decrease and productivity increase.

We are a country that does not invest in those who cannot advocate for themselves.

We are a country that hides behinds "stigmas".

We are a country that helps every other country but neglects our own.

We are a country focused on materialistic money motivated means.

We need more people to step up to the plate and advocate for those less able to advocate for themselves.

We need to start caring, have some compassion, understanding, and tolerance.

We need to stop blaming and take responsibility.

Will you join me!

Life Jacket

I do not want to be anyone's Life Jacket, Anchor, Strength. I am not anyone's Life Jacket, Anchor or Strength. I do not want to be held on a pedestal or the person with some sort of magic wand. I just want to be ordinary, normal, me. Lately, I have been called these terms by some of my patients. I do not want to live up to these terms. I work hard. I advocate. I am not a Life Jacket. The only Life Jacket in the room is them. I guide. I do not fix. I can't change anyone. They can only change themselves. It makes me very uncomfortable to be referred to in these terms. It is not a lack of self-esteem or poor self-worth, it is being viewed as some unique being, guardian angel, held above and I am not any of those things. I am simply human. I care. I have compassion and empathy. I believe in people and chose to see the positive instead of the negative. I know what it feels like to be hurt, judged, avoided. I work with a population that is used to society looking down upon them, judging them, avoiding them. They come from places of very low self-esteem and poor self-worth. They cannot even identify one positive thing about self.

Then, someone like me comes along.

Look for the solution and not the problem. Keep it moving.

I am often asked if I am in recovery. The answer surprises a lot of people. I am not in recovery but I know what addiction can do. I have had struggles with depression but I have come out of the dark tunnel and entered the sunlight. I believe in moving forward. I really believe in moving forward. I also believe that I cannot control how someone thinks, feels or behaves but I can control how I think, feel and behave. I can act instead of react. I try to model behavior. I am authentic. I do not sugar coat or lie.

What a sense of freedom it is not to believe we can control another person!

What a sense of freedom it is to not take on someone else's stuff!

I am not a Life Jacket. I understand you took a train from Western Pa to have me as your therapist. However, I am human and my name is Pat.

Games People Play

In my opinion, I rather be "punched upside the head" than "be stabbed in the back". I do not like confrontation, however, direct confrontation allows both parties to be on the same page and results in the facilitation of conversation and healing. The most negative form of Aggression is Passive Aggression.  


Passive Aggressive behavior  is defined as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is when one is angry with someone but does not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when one feels upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed one may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behavior, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).

A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive". (The famous back-stabber)

Passive aggression is a destructive pattern of behavior. It is a creation of negative energy. It can create immense hurt and pain to all parties involved. It happens when negative emotions and feelings build up and are then held in on a self-imposed need for either acceptance by another, dependence on others or to avoid even further arguments or conflict.
 
Some examples of Passive Aggression

Non-Communication when there is clearly something problematic to discuss.
Avoiding/Ignoring when one is so angry that one feels one cannot speak calmly.
Evading problems and issues.
Procrastinating intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones.
Obstructing deliberately stalling or preventing an event or process of change.
Fear of Competition thus avoiding situations where one party will be seen as better at something.
Ambiguity thus being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations.
Sulking thus being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy.
Chronic Lateness is a way to put one in control over others and their expectations.
Chronic Forgetting shows a blatant disrespect and disregard for others to punish in some way.
Making Excuses are ways of coming up with reasons for not doing things.
Victimization is the inability to look at their own part in a situation thus will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one.
Self-Pity the poor me scenario
Blaming others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for your own actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.
Withholding and using children as pawns in order to control without regard to the impact to the children.
Learned Helplessness where a person continually acts like they can’t help themselves. Speaking in the tone and language of a baby/child.

Passive Aggression can be seen as a defense mechanism that people use to protect themselves which maybe automatic and stem from early experiences with core beliefs such as insecurity, low self-esteem, poor self-worth.  Patterns of unassertive and passive behavior may have been learned in childhood as a coping strategy possibly as a response to parents who may have been too controlling or not allowing their child to express their thoughts and feelings freely.
 
Consequences of Passive Aggressive Behavior

1. The behavior facilitates a sense of negativity, increases feelings of depression, self-hatred and low self-esteem.
2. The behavior avoids the real issues.

How to unlearn Passive Aggressive behavior

1. Awareness is half the battle. One cannot facilitate change if they are not aware of the pattern of behavior.
2. Take responsibility for actions and reactions.
3. Take an objective view of the presenting problem/situation.
4. Practice I-Messages such as "I feel----because-----".

 
How to survive the Passive Aggressive behavior of others.

1. Be aware of the patterns of Passive Aggressive behavior.
2. Be aware of responses to others and yourself– One cannot control the actions and reactions of others.
3. Be honest about your part in the situation
4. Set clear emotional and physical boundaries.
5. Model positive behavior.
6. Continue to focus on self and live a positive life.
7. Do not feed into their pathology. 

Anger and Fear

"Under all anger is fear, and under all fear is fear of loss."

~ Unknown

Excited

The flights are booked. Car is rented. We are leaving for Ireland on April 15th, my grandfather's birthday. How appropriate to leave for Ireland with my husband and eldest grandchild on the anniversary of my own grandfather's birthday whose Gallagher Roots are from Donegal. This trip has been on my "bucket list" for years. I researched my Gallagher, McCaffery/McCafferty, Cafferty, Boland ancestors (direct line) and now I will walk on the ground they walked on, see the country they saw and enjoy the culture, they knew. Lately, I have felt this very strong need to go and go soon. I am not sure what my internal motivation/drive is coming from though I am sure it has much too do with the current circumstances of my life and the realization of how short life can be and how it can change in a blink of an eye.

I wanted to go for Christmas but the short notice at work and the time needed to plan was too short. (Though I have been known to throw a vacation together quickly) I also wanted to talk to my son about it. I needed his OK. I needed to know it was OK for me to leave. Had he said otherwise, I would have not made the reservations. He was "thrilled" and gave his immediate "blessing". "Mom, I want you to go and have a good time. I will be OK. If I need anything, Dad can help me". He and I are going to do some Christmas shopping via computer this weekend. We have a list from her.

In the end, we will not spend Christmas but Easter in Ireland. I have not made hotel arrangements yet though I have been searching. We will fly into Dublin and we plan to spend one night in the city before we drive the three hours "West" to Donegal. In Donegal, I want to spend one or two nights in a castle. (My grandson's request) then I want to stay in a B&B and/or thatch cottage in County Mayo preferably in or around Ballina and/or Killala.  We will drive back to Dublin and spend another night in the city before we fly back home. A "must see" in Dublin is the National History Museum of Ireland and a quick meal and beer at the Guinness Brewery. Otherwise, it is all about seeing, being and living among the locals.

To answer my own question about the internal motivation, times are tough and things look bleak. Instead of falling into a dark hole, it is about grasping the light at the end of the dark tunnel. There is not a better way of fighting through the dark night then to grasp onto the hope of a promising future. In this way, I move forward. I know that if I do not move forward, my children, my grandchildren will have a difficult time moving forward. If I have learned anything over these past three years it is "my mood" directly "impacts" those closest to me. I have come to realize that in order for those I love to "be ok" and "to move forward", I must model that behavior. Despite any internal war and/or pain I might feel, I will not fall into some dark abyss because I do not want those I love to fall into the abyss. Our hardship has not destroyed us, We found a way to close ranks. We are coming out stronger than ever despite what anyone else thinks, feels or believes.

Maybe, there is a God and maybe that God is working through us.