This and That

This and alittle of That

Spent my birthday in Gettysburg. It snowed. Again. Then. Again.



My granddaughter finally received her Christmas presents with her Valentine present.




Completed 3 out of 5 classes on Trauma Informed Practice at Bryn Mawr College.




Snow. Ice. Thunder. Lightning. Rain. Tornado Watch?




Ireland is less than 2months away. Made reservations for a 4th of July weekend in Gettysburg to take the grandpoles to experience re-enactments. Made reservations to spend a week in the mountains of TN in October.




New roof on the house.




Still need a new washer/dryer and a repair on the stove.




Thinking about filing taxes. Still thinking.




Decided to forgive my brother as my own gift to self for my birthday.



Stress Eating. Weight Gain. Workout. Weight Loss.


Someone I knew since a child. Severe Ongoing Depression. Suicide.


Life is Complex.

Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.

Social Media allows one to reconnect or stay in contact. It is also a place of pretentiousness, and nonsensical nonsense. It can be indirectly or directly hurtful. Too much stimuli. Detoxing from face book is a good thing. The same people who say, "A child has their own personality despite how they were raised" are the same people who say, "You are a great" mother. father, whatever, when their kid does well. Then, there are the people who one choses not to be friends with commenting on mutual friends' posts which can boil one's blood because one knows so and so is a so and so and the bullshit written is just that bullshit.


Time to turn off and drop out for awhile.


Granted. Times have been tough. Probably too sensitive to the outside world. When trying gets one nowhere. Tired. Burnt out. Worn out. Not in the mood to see such fakeness at the moment. Rather see real folks with real viewpoints. So much pretentiousness. Jeeze!


This post probably makes no sense or perfect sense.


Anyways,


I completed my second class on Trauma Informed Practice. I will complete the series March 21st. The classes are being held at Bryn Mawr College. I sit in a classroom filled with intellectuals. I listen to phrases being thrown around such as "donor daughters" and other such stuff. What the hell is a donor daughter? Yes. I understand the meaning of both those words but what the hell are you talking about? Oh, your husband donated sperm while in law school and now the product is 17 years old and connected with your husband. They have a wonderful relationship so why is he referring to her as his donor daughter verses his daughter? I will never completely understand the minds of some people.


Sometimes I sit in the classroom and wonder if I fit in. Yes. I am intelligent. No. I cannot relate to donor daughters. I live in the real world with unbelievable real problems. I just do not fit in. Anywhere. No. I do not feel sorry for myself. I loathe self pity. Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.


I felt so physically sick in class on Friday I came home and went to bed. I am still in bed. I have slept a lot these past few days. I am not sure if it is physical or emotional. I cannot separate the two feelings anymore. I just know I feel awful and the tears fall easy. As my personality test will summarize, I do not deal well with rejection and I wonder if I am at the forefront of my own rejection? I expect so much out of myself. Granted. I have had years of "being" rejected by those who were and/or said they loved me. I do not want to be angry. I do not want to feel hurt. I rather keep it moving. Wish I knew some Voodoo!


Someone told me I had a face where it was easy for another to trust enough to share. Someone told me I had a good sense of humor. Both statements made within three days by people from opposite ends of the spectrum. I appear dumbfounded. Me? Really? I know I can listen to and have compassion for but sense of humor? I am too freaking serious to be labeled as a person with a sense of humor.


I talked to her Friday morning. It was agreed upon that I may speak to her a few days a week before school. The sound of her sweet little shy voice warms my heart and fills my soul. God knows I miss her so much it hurts to the bottom of my soles. I do not understand grandparents who have long distance relationships with their grandchildren or no relationships at all.


We have had a whole lot of snow so far this winter that I am sick of wearing boots. I never thought I would ever be sick of wearing boots. But here we are! Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.

All Over The Place and Counting

I slept a lot yesterday. I also continued with the nightmares. The nightmares came back around the New Year and I do not know what triggered them. Even when I was away in Jim Thorpe, the nightmares came as I slept. The nightmares throw me off balance and I never feel right during the day. This morning I tried to push off the uncomfortable feelings by baking banana bread from scratch. I got out the flour, sugar, baking power, lemon juice, eggs, butter, salt and ripe bananas from my freezer and got down to work. Two loaves are in the freezer and one loaf is on the counter top in the kitchen. When the bananas ripen, I freeze them so I can use them later in cooking. I also have a freezer full of berries of all sorts to be used the same way.

Bill went down to the house in Roxborough to make some repairs before he grocery shopped. I still have some problems with the light though my eye feels a lot better today. I never had a scratched cornea before and I hope I never have another one. Out of everything, the photosensitivity to light is the worse.

Laundry is done. Filets are defrosting for dinner. Baking is complete. I need to occupy my mind for the rest of the day. I started a new book yesterday and read several chapters. I may read more today. I have classes beginning next Friday at Bryn Mawr College for Trauma Informed Care. My place of employment approved my attendance for next ten weeks and will pay me for being off on the Fridays to complete the course. I do not know why I did not pay the tuition yet. I need to pay it tomorrow. There is a conference April 9th in Baltimore Maryland. I will ask my mom if she wants to go on a road trip to keep me company. I can't ask Bill to take off because he will be taking off two weeks beginning the 15th of that month for Ireland.

God, I feel so anxious.

Life Moves ON

I could not sleep last night. Events of the day would not allow my mind to rest. As one hour became two then three, I told myself it was alright that I did not sleep. I knew I could survive the following day without the sleep. I have done it before. Funny thing happened. I fell asleep for a few hours. I am grateful for small surprises.

I was told something that stung to the core of my bones. If I heard this two years ago, I would have blamed myself, felt less than, would have beat myself up. I am not that same person. My self-esteem is healthy and intact. What a grand feeling! I am comfortable with who I am. The words did sting and they occupied my mind, however, I did not feel bad about myself in any shape or form. Again, it was a grand feeling. I intend to remain positive and continue to move forward. Truth be told, the words had no basis. Over the years my kindness was mistaken for weakness, and my compassion taken for granted. I am not weak but strong and just because my compassion was manipulated does not mean I never knew the game.

My classes were approved for January at Bryn Mawr College. My director approved my attendance and therefore I can take Fridays off from work starting January 17th through March 21. I am attending a post Masters program for a certification in Trauma Therapy. He asked that I teach the other counselors what I have learned. I told him it was a deal. I registered for the classes back in August with the hope that persistence would pay off. I am glad I held on.

Life moves on.

Back to Class

I am not so sure why I am up so late. Maybe, I know I do not have to get up at 530a tomorrow for work. The joy of having a complete weekend off. I wish I could say the same thing for next weekend. Well, let's just stay in the present.

I registered for classes in January at Bryn Mawr College over on the Main Line. I am taking classes January through March on Fridays to become certified in trauma. It has been something I have been interested in for some time and when I saw the series, I knew I had to register. Most of the patients I see have trauma in their backgrounds in the form of some sort of abuse, neglect, witness to or of violence, incarceration, I have a training in the city on 9/23 for Trauma Informed Care but it is only a one day overview. Once I complete this series of classes in the winter, I will have completed for certification. Five Fridays over ten weeks, six hours per day and the end result is 27 credits which I require 25 credits per year anyway to work in this field. Bryn Mawr is a nice college. I have taken classes there earlier this past year. Of course, it is not cheap. I guess that is why they serve a nice lunch at the break. Then, I get paid for being off to take the classes because it is work-related.

Win-Win for all of us!

I guess when I run out of choices at Bryn Mawr, I can go around the corner and try Villanova. I already maxed out at Drexel.

Short and Long term goals help me move forward.

School is something I do for myself.

School is fun when you already have a degree.

School is about knowledge and part of the fun is the ability to take classes that interest you unlike classes that are mandatory for a degree though I have to admit, I had a variety to chose from at Drexel. Drexel is a great school!