This and That

I do not hide the fact that I have struggled with depression since my thirties nor that I take Zoloft on a daily basis or that I have been to a therapist in the past. I did not cause depression. Depression happened to me. Call it genetics. I learned over the years how to recognize early warning signs that I am becoming vulnerable to a bout of sadness and the triggers that can lead to that bout of sadness. I also have learned how to counteract the oncoming bout of sadness. What I cannot do is stop the sadness from coming altogether. I know how to arrest it. Stop the sadness from paralyzing me. I know what works for me.

Sunshine and Exercise

 Being outdoors taking a car ride, hiking, walking, bike riding. It does not matter as long as I am outside. If I do not have the energy to get in the car, I sit out on the balcony until I can get into that car.

Diet

What I eat and drink makes all the difference. Lots of water to flush out the system and remain hydrated. I increase protein and vegetables limit sugars and stay completely away from processed foods. Truth be told, I stay away from processed foods on a good day. Vitamins B, C, D, Calcium, Omega-3!

Laughter

Laughing is a great serotonin boost.

Grandchildren 

It is impossible to feel sad when you experience daily living from innocent eyes.


Stress is a trigger for me that leads to bouts of depression. When I am under a lot of stress because  I am working in crisis mode whereas trying to juggle the responsibilities of work, and home for extended periods of time without a break and/or sleep, I feel vulnerable.

When I feel vulnerable other feelings get magnified.

Magnified means I miss Ava more and the current situation with my youngest son overwhelms me. It is on those nights the nightmares come and the tears cried late in the night when no one can hear me. If anyone has ever experienced that intense feeling of loss and loneliness, they would be able to relate, however most people do not relate therefore I have learned to keep those feelings to myself.

It was the weeks leading up to Halloween that resulted in the return of my sadness. Halloween just meant the beginning of the Fall/Winter holidays where family traditions are implemented and the excitement of the upcoming holidays are anticipated. For me it just means another holiday season without my granddaughter and my son. It means I have to dig deep down within myself for the energy to keep the rest of my sons and grandchildren together. It means being "left out" of some family festivities. It means "pretending" I am alright when I feel like my soul is dying within.

It also means I will be grateful for what I do have and the people around me who love and care about me. It means I will concentrate on those less fortunate than myself. Those folks who still suffer with active addiction and have lost everything and everyone as a result. Being kind goes a long way.

I will be there for my friend Barb whose husband lost his battle with an aggressive form of cancer yesterday morning after only being diagnosed one month ago.

I will take my grandsons to our annual Woodland Weekend Trip for Nikolas's birthday later this month and I am planning a Canadian vacation for Spring break with them. I already booked the flights and one hotel in Toronto and another one in Niagara Falls. I am currently researching another place where we will stay in a more secluded part of Ontario where we can be in range of Moose and other wildlife. Maybe I will rent a cabin. I am not sure yet. So far we will spend one night and two days in Toronto to see the Hockey Hall of Fame then spend four nights in Niagara Falls and go to the indoor waterpark, Clifton Hill, and the sky ride as well as all the things one does in exploring the falls. Niagara Falls will be the most expensive part of the trip because I booked an upscale hotel room on the Falls with floor to celling windows that look out over the falls with a fireplace. When I travel in a new country I like to have three home bases in different areas and generally there is always one area that may be a little costly. When we went to Ireland last year it was staying in the castle in Donegal whereas we stayed in a hotel room in Dublin then a cottage in County Mayo. We always rent a car so we can explore the towns and avoid most tourist traps. We like to be where the everyday normal folks are. When we were in Italy, the most expensive part was the Amalfi Coast.

Anyway, we had Aubree on Saturday and she is growing fast and we have to chase her through the house these days.

Holidays and More

Despite all the ups and downs, responsibilities of home and work and the arrival of a new grandchild, the Christmas holidays turned out to be a happy festive time where I found myself laughing and feeling at peace for the first time in several years.


December 21st, I welcomed my fourth grandchild into this world when my granddaughter Aubree was born. At 6lbs 11oz with those dark blue eyes babies are born with and the blond hair which is common in my family, she came into this world making my second born son a first time father. There was a time I never thought Joshua would be a Dad as he battled his own demons and never seemed to  want to settle down until he met Lynee more than seven years ago. As a mother, it is wonderful to watch your own child parent their own child. Joshua is so gentle with his daughter and from what I witnessed thus far, I believe he will make a wonderful father. As for myself, Aubree is my second granddaughter and another chance to do it right. My fallout with my first granddaughter's mother has taught me some very tough lessons. Though I doubt I could have ever foreseen the issues that would lead to that fallout at least I could have set some boundaries in the process that may have protected feelings. I am in love with Aubree as I was with Ava for I remember that feeling so well. One day I hope to be reconnected with Ava for I love and miss her very much.


Christmas Eve was once again held at my home though on a smaller scale. My parents, sister and her husband as well as Shaun and his family were in attendance. Bill's brother John stopped over bringing his girlfriend and another friend who has no family to celebrate the holiday. I had to work on Christmas Eve so all the food was catered. I love the roast beef at the Old Ale House therefore I had them cater the roast beef, rolls and gravy. I laughed a lot that evening. As a matter of fact, I laughed so hard my belly hurt. It has been a long time since I laughed that hard and it felt so very good.


It felt good to see my oldest son Shaun looking so healthy and happy. Rita seems good for him though it felt strange to be celebrating a holiday for the first year without Trish. It has been years since I seen Shaun so happy and I am grateful he found peace once again. My grandsons Shaun and Nikolas also seen happier and healthier. Sometimes marriages do not work out despite it all.


Christmas Day, Bill & I drove out to Harrisburg and visited my youngest son early in the morning. We spent a good four hours with Joe and he looks really well. Afterwards, we drove to Northeast Philadelphia to spend the day at my niece Chrissy's house where many family members gathered for Christmas cheer and my first taste of a "fireball".  Despite the lack of sleep and feeling extremely tired, I laughed again.


The day after Christmas, we brought Aubree home from the Hospital and introduced her to her nursery that is decorated in pink, wine, white and black colors. The nursery is filled with bunnies, Minnie mouse and frozen characters. I brought a tray of roast beef to their house and I held that little darling in my arms and kissed her little face.


Then came the weekend and I was the counselor on site for both Saturday and Sunday in addition to teaching a class on the brain specifically the brain's chemistry on those two days.


Today, I have the day off and I plan to shop for new blinds and curtains for Aubree's nursery as the current blinds need replacing and Bill & I offered to supply them. At some point, we will drop them off at Lynee and Joshua's house.


I will be working the rest of the week including New Years Day which is perfectly find with me as Saturday I will be leaving for a week long road trip to North Carolina and Tennessee with my mother and sister. We plan to spend a couple of days in Gatlinburg, and Knoxville visiting my brother before driving and spending a few days in Nashville then driving across the state and traveling up the east coast of North Carolina where we plan to stop off in Washington, North Carolina to visit my sister-in-law. My sister, mother and I try to take a yearly vacation together. In the past years, we have traveled to Italy, California, Piney Point Maryland as well as the mountains in the Poconos. We already have a trip to Portugal in the works for next year.

Did We Have To Leave This Magical Place To Go Back To Rome?

YES.

My Drink, Her Drink

The Tomb Of St. Andrew. First Apostle of Jesus

Four Hundred Steps

We decided to walk the 400 hundred steps up the mountain to reach

 a cemtery that dated back to 1200 AD and anyone who knows me, knows I must find a

 cemtery somewhere. Along the way, we spotted a man shoveling cement into packs

 that donkeys/mules will walk up and through nbarrow alley ways all the way up steps.

 What would a walk up a mountain be without a few snap shots of what was directly below.

 I am still amazed how the trees and flowers grow out from the solid rock of the hills.

 These are the steps those three donkeys/mules disappeared up.

 I really cannot expand on what the hell this is as we walked up.

 My sister and mother were always a block or should I say staircase away.

 Yes. They all hang their clothes out to dry no matter how small the alley.

 Pictures from the market place down below. I am sure God did not create the water fountain

 breasts or the angels shooting out water from "I do not know what".

 As I mentioned before, everyone uses their roof tops as yards in Amalfi. This dog is sun bathing.

 Gardens grow on roof stops. We made it FINALLY to the top only to be told

 that the cemetery here was closed for the day but it was opened tomorrow. I decided

to create my own version of a tomb. So I picked out a stone wall and laid out. How do I look dead?

Market Place