The Black Dog

I struggle with Depression. I have struggled with Depression since my middle 30's. I take Zoloft and have been taking it for years. Before I started on Zoloft I took Paxil. I have only had one increase in the dosage since I began taking it. I went form 50 mg of Zoloft to 100mg of Zoloft when my life fell apart in 2011. I am still on that dosage. I have been to therapy which helped. I know all the textbook stuff because I practice the same techniques with my patients. I have a thorough understanding about Depression both as a therapist and a person who struggles with it. Lately, I have been having a difficult time. I first noticed an increase in depressive symptoms around Christmas and I spoke about these symptoms with my family doctor. She chalked it up to the holiday season, the increased stress at work and lack of winter sunshine and vitamin D. It all makes sense because all these things are true so I have been patiently waiting for the sun to shine, making sure I eat properly and practice self-care the best I can as it pertains to my job/profession. However, that damn "black dog" continues to hover over me and wants to swallow me up. It makes daily functioning difficult because I continuously feel sad and tired. It interferes with my sleep. It makes decisions almost impossible to make. Chemical imbalance, genetics, whatever, it is something that is very real to me.


But,


I never feel the symptoms when I am working. It does not interfere with my profession. I can be totally present when talking with my patients advocating for them with insurance companies or probation officers and all other manner of things as it pertains to them. I do not miss days at work and it is almost as though I can put all those symptoms aside during the duration of the work day. This is weird to me. Nighttime is hard for me and weekends can be hell unless I am occupied with my grandchildren. But to be alone in the house without structure is almost unbearable. Maybe, it gives me time to think about how upside down my family life has becomes? Maybe, it is not accepting how my life has changed? Maybe, it is because I am having a difficult time letting go of the Roxborough House. I loved that house with all its charm. I have been holding onto it for six years even though I have not lived in it in six years. Sometimes, I romanticize that I can go back. But we really can never go back can we? Going back there is not going to bring Joey or Ava back or take away the events that forced me out of there in the first place. Going back is not going to make everything better. Maybe financially but that is probably about it. It would be so much cheaper to live in a house I already own verses all this renting and spending weekends in Cape May at another house we own.


I am getting older. I would like to retire someday. That retirement cannot happen until I get all these ducks in a row. I have to be on better financial ground and I have to address the issues with that house while considering moving from here when the lease is up to another place further out in Montgomery County with more space. I want to be settled in a home, and especially within my own mind. I do not struggle with Depression because I have issues to work out in my life. It is the struggle with Depression that makes addressing those issues even harder or sometimes impossible. I envy folks who do not have to struggle with Depression and can make decisions easily and do not have the "black dog" hovering over them with fear and indecisiveness.

Depression, Suicide, Loss of Hope

I received a message today from a childhood friend who informed me another mutual childhood friend committed suicide yesterday. He apparently said "I have had enough". What did that mean and why?

Then, I began to remember when we were teenagers and how he first entered my life. He was friends with my older brother Michael and Michael and I had the same friends. Brown hair, brown eyes and not very tall. However, he had a presence about him that demanded notice. He drank a lot but I cannot say he had a problem with alcohol as we all probably drank more than we should have back in those days. I dated him for a very short time when I was about sixteen. He went into the Navy after he graduated from high school right after my own brother joined the Navy.

I remember going to his wedding. It was the best wedding and I remember how much fun we all had. I was already married to Joe and was the mother of three little boys under 5 years old. He married a girl who was a nurse. They had children. They moved into Winchester Park. I did not see him much after that except at house parties or weddings then funerals of some of our other friends.

Today, I felt sad. I received Donna's message right after I facilitated a group between 11a to 12p. Group discussion was about Depression and suicide and the importance of being medication compliant. I spoke about "Hope" being the light at a very dark and long tunnel and I told my group to hold on with both hands to the hope because the darkness will pass. Once group was over I looked down at my phone and read the message.

I have had friends die from various reasons but I believe I never had a friend commit suicide. Eddie died in an alcohol related car accident. Cheryl died of a heart attack. Danny died of liver disease. Frenchie died of lung cancer. Now, Al is gone too.

Happy Labor day

Counseling folks with co-occurring disorders is not for the faint of heart especially when you are the counselor on site for the weekend and responsible for every other counselor's patients. This past weekend was no exception and as I sit here recovering on this Labor Day from the stress of such a position and/or situation, I question myself why I do this type of work.

I was so exhausted I slept until 9a when I am usually up by 5a each morning. Most of the day, I nursed a headache probably because I am the type who holds all my stress in the shoulders and neck. Sometimes I feel like a warden, sergeant in the armed forces, police man, or a corrections officer than I feel like a therapist. I spend so much time addressing the behaviors of others whether it be their anger, temper tantrums, melt downs, or redirecting their rule breaking, manipulation or what other mood, issue or situation that arises. I teach, counselor, advocate and mother others every single blessed day until my brain hurts and my body aches. Every night I question what I do and every morning I answer that question with "I care". I care about people. It is heart breaking to see others destroying themselves with alcohol and drugs. It is heart breaking to see someone so depressed that they rather die than live. It is heart breaking to hear the hopelessness in their voices or the worries of their family. It is especially heart breaking when you are talking to a person one day then one week later they die from an overdose or successful suicide. They do not have to be my patients in order for me to feel the compassion or empathy. It is just who I am.

I had a pleasant dream during the night of my exhausted filled sleep. I dreamt of my sons Josh and Joey. They were laughing and eating ice cream in my dream and it felt so real and I felt so happy when I woke up.

I sent Ava a text message wishing her a Happy Labor Day and she responded by asking me what Labor Day was. No matter how much happiness I have in my days there is always an inner sadness of loss that I feel in my heart.  My girl is nine years old and I have not laid eyes or touched her in three or more years. I cannot even write about it for it brings tears to my eyes so I will stop.

So I do what I always do when it comes to my grandchildren and I went out shopping for little girl clothes for my second girl who is just under two years old and in need of Fall clothes.

I am not sure why God placed me on this particular journey in life but I have accepted it. Do not be mistaken, I have spent several years kicking and fighting this particular journey and questioned "why" more times than I can count. Today, I have accepted the good with the bad, the happy with the sad and forever more I will always hold onto hope and faith that God's plan is the correct plan for all involved.

Holiday and Depression

Most people do not understand how depression can impact a holiday season then add situational nonsense and stress and it can become the perfect storm of emotions. It starts at Thanksgiving for me. I do not have many expectations around the holiday season as I once did in the past. For me, holidays are something to get through the best way possible. The most difficult part of this holiday season is being without the two people I love and trying to accept my new normal. I have not been too successful around the "new normal". I do not talk about my feelings and/or struggles with anyone because "frankly" no one really wants to hear it. I just wish some people close to me could be more authentic in their own feelings instead of the "pretense" that everything is so "great" all the time. Maybe I need people to be more "real" and less "fake". I am finding that "fake" pushes me away. I am not one to be fake so I do not expect it in others.

Anyway, Christmas Eve was quiet. Too quiet. I was way up in my head and I spent the entire night tossing and turning and at some points even crying. I felt so alone inside. Empty. Sad. Though I did not feel entirely hopeless so I suppose that is a plus. I read two books in less than a week (The Age of Innocence and Rosemary, The Hidden Daughter), the latter in two days. Reading is a great coping mechanism. I went through all the movements of shopping, cooking, wrapping, working, grandparenting and visiting my mother and traveling to see my son.

Aubree and I sang songs and played games. Her smile and love are a joy and I know it is her mere presence in my life that helps fill the emptiness. Her excitement on watching Rudolph can make the sadness person happy.

I hope that 2016 brings me acceptance of my new normal and that I can finally place the past behind me and move on without all the "would haves, could haves and should haves". Maybe, I can even make a decision about my house in Roxborough. I have been holding onto to it for five years thinking I may someday move back but in all reality no one can just go back because everything has changed so if I do go back I have to understand it would have to be a new beginning and everything is going to need to be changed so it feels like a new house as oppose to the old house. I trust that God will help me to make the correct decision.

This and That

I do not hide the fact that I have struggled with depression since my thirties nor that I take Zoloft on a daily basis or that I have been to a therapist in the past. I did not cause depression. Depression happened to me. Call it genetics. I learned over the years how to recognize early warning signs that I am becoming vulnerable to a bout of sadness and the triggers that can lead to that bout of sadness. I also have learned how to counteract the oncoming bout of sadness. What I cannot do is stop the sadness from coming altogether. I know how to arrest it. Stop the sadness from paralyzing me. I know what works for me.

Sunshine and Exercise

 Being outdoors taking a car ride, hiking, walking, bike riding. It does not matter as long as I am outside. If I do not have the energy to get in the car, I sit out on the balcony until I can get into that car.

Diet

What I eat and drink makes all the difference. Lots of water to flush out the system and remain hydrated. I increase protein and vegetables limit sugars and stay completely away from processed foods. Truth be told, I stay away from processed foods on a good day. Vitamins B, C, D, Calcium, Omega-3!

Laughter

Laughing is a great serotonin boost.

Grandchildren 

It is impossible to feel sad when you experience daily living from innocent eyes.


Stress is a trigger for me that leads to bouts of depression. When I am under a lot of stress because  I am working in crisis mode whereas trying to juggle the responsibilities of work, and home for extended periods of time without a break and/or sleep, I feel vulnerable.

When I feel vulnerable other feelings get magnified.

Magnified means I miss Ava more and the current situation with my youngest son overwhelms me. It is on those nights the nightmares come and the tears cried late in the night when no one can hear me. If anyone has ever experienced that intense feeling of loss and loneliness, they would be able to relate, however most people do not relate therefore I have learned to keep those feelings to myself.

It was the weeks leading up to Halloween that resulted in the return of my sadness. Halloween just meant the beginning of the Fall/Winter holidays where family traditions are implemented and the excitement of the upcoming holidays are anticipated. For me it just means another holiday season without my granddaughter and my son. It means I have to dig deep down within myself for the energy to keep the rest of my sons and grandchildren together. It means being "left out" of some family festivities. It means "pretending" I am alright when I feel like my soul is dying within.

It also means I will be grateful for what I do have and the people around me who love and care about me. It means I will concentrate on those less fortunate than myself. Those folks who still suffer with active addiction and have lost everything and everyone as a result. Being kind goes a long way.

I will be there for my friend Barb whose husband lost his battle with an aggressive form of cancer yesterday morning after only being diagnosed one month ago.

I will take my grandsons to our annual Woodland Weekend Trip for Nikolas's birthday later this month and I am planning a Canadian vacation for Spring break with them. I already booked the flights and one hotel in Toronto and another one in Niagara Falls. I am currently researching another place where we will stay in a more secluded part of Ontario where we can be in range of Moose and other wildlife. Maybe I will rent a cabin. I am not sure yet. So far we will spend one night and two days in Toronto to see the Hockey Hall of Fame then spend four nights in Niagara Falls and go to the indoor waterpark, Clifton Hill, and the sky ride as well as all the things one does in exploring the falls. Niagara Falls will be the most expensive part of the trip because I booked an upscale hotel room on the Falls with floor to celling windows that look out over the falls with a fireplace. When I travel in a new country I like to have three home bases in different areas and generally there is always one area that may be a little costly. When we went to Ireland last year it was staying in the castle in Donegal whereas we stayed in a hotel room in Dublin then a cottage in County Mayo. We always rent a car so we can explore the towns and avoid most tourist traps. We like to be where the everyday normal folks are. When we were in Italy, the most expensive part was the Amalfi Coast.

Anyway, we had Aubree on Saturday and she is growing fast and we have to chase her through the house these days.

In All Things Serious

It honestly feels great to be sitting here in bed drinking my coffee and writing a post after a crazy few weeks at work. I looked forward to this scheduled four day weekend and it finally arrived and I intend to enjoy every single moment of it. I love my work but sometimes I need a break from it. When I think about the craziness of some of those days I think to myself "I seriously cannot make up the shit I have seen or heard". Some of the things I was told over the last few weeks whether it was the excuse for leaving treatment against medical advice such as "I only came into treatment because my drug dealer was on vacation" to "I am going to "trick" on the avenue to buy footballs for my son's team" to "We were only fighting" when caught with one's pants off with another on top.

My background is in Human Behavior and that is exactly what I studied in college. Along the way, I gained certifications in Drug & Alcohol, Trauma Informed Care and various other sub-topics not to mention the twenty year background in the medical aspects of the human body. Bottom line is I have always worked in the Health Care Field whether it was addressing the physical or mental health of an individual.

I originally went to college back in 1978 for a degree in medical assistance. Once in the work force, I went back to college to pursue a degree in Laboratory Sciences. I then spent twenty years working in a Lab part time on the 2nd shift while my children were preschoolers and when my youngest child started first grade a position opened up for a first shift Lab Supervisor which I placed a request and was hired. I worked in that position for seven years until I was showing a new Phlebotomist how to do blood cultures on an eighty year old man in the CCU who spiked a fever and when I placed the needle in his arm (the trainee was holding the arm) the trainee let go and the man grabbed my arm and pulled me violently across him as the needle flew up in the air blood went everywhere as the bed rolled across the room because nursing forgot to set the brake on the bed.

The end result was a torn right shoulder (I am right handed) and the beginning of the end of that career. I continued to work but I needed surgery and that one surgery turned into three surgeries and chronic shoulder pain. At the same time I was dealing with one son in addiction. Another son joined the military immediately after the events of 9/11 and went off to war. My marriage of twenty three was ending. I was pretty stressed so I made the decision to do three things to help myself. I went to a therapist who specialized in Addiction. I started attending Al-Anon meetings. I decided to return to college and take an Addiction class to learn everything about what my son was going through. That one college class led into another and another and before I realized it I was on my way to a new degree and a new career. Three degrees later here I am.

I truly believe that "Where we are in life is exactly where we are suppose to be".  Of course the unknown is frightening and when we are going through stress and pain, we do not understand or even want to feel those feelings however if I had not experienced all that I experienced in those years I would not be in a career I truly love and believe I am really good at. When you go to work everyday "loving" what you do, the days fly by and there is so much job satisfaction. I never felt that feeling in the twenty years at the Lab.

Some maybe thinking if I still believe that where we are in life is exactly where we are suppose to be after the events of the last four years which to all standards was far more tragic and stressful than anything else one can imagine. My answer is still "Yes". Addiction was not limited to one son and the addiction of another son and his girlfriend led to a tragedy of unbelievable proportions and consequences for all of us. We will never truly know what happened that night though I have my own thoughts on the matter as I reviewed the situation not  from a place of emotion but a place of evidence of what I seen and heard. But as the mother of the accused I was never asked and when I tried to offer I was shut down by all parties involved including detectives, lawyers and courts. The point I am trying to make is "Yes" I believe those things happened for a reason though I rather wish the lessons could have been learned in a much different way. As a result a family lives without their son and a daughter lives without her father and her father's family including this grandmother writing this post. You can take the first part of that last statement two different ways.

Today, my sons are sober and have learned some difficult lessons. One son is going off to Villanova this Fall to become a Certified Recovery Specialist. The other son is working as a Peer Specialist helping other addicts whose crimes led to incarceration.  Before that son went to prison I told him  he had two choices. He can chose to get involved in the chaos of prison life by continuing to do drugs in prison and get into trouble or he can learn from his mistakes and become a better person. I told him that he will always have the love and support of his family. That being said, I told my son that anything we send him, he is to share among those who do not have any outside support. Every book I send him (he is an avid reader so I ship a dozen at a time) he is to pass out to others when he is done reading, He receives money on his books to buy things he needs to pay for medical and dental care and special treats/food and he is expected to share those things as well with others who have no support. Thus far he has chose to stay out of trouble so he resides in a dorm (much like as he did in the military) not a cell, took advantage of classes and is now working as a peer specialist who runs groups and is a mentor to other incarcerated addicts. He reads. Works outs. Plays softball and basketball. Officiates on the softball teams. He looks well. He sounds well. Is this what I wanted for his life? Of course not!. I do not believe any parent wants their child to learn lessons the hard way. My children seen to have to learn lessons the hard way and as a result it impacted the daily living of this mother in many ways. I became a counselor as the result of one son and a better counselor as the result of another son. I no longer take things or people for granted. There is very little that gets me upset these days because when you have experienced the worse nothing can compare to that feeling.  I certainly do not care what anyone thinks about me and I do not feel as though I need to prove anything to anyone which is a significant change for a person who was a perfectionist in all things. I lost friends along the way and some family members. However, the true friends remained as well as the true family members. In a sense I am lucky that way because I got to see clearly who are true and loyal.  Because I have experienced being in that very dark place, I can truly relate to those who struggle with or had struggled with depression.

 Today, I view the world through a new set of lens and for that I am grateful.

Vortex

It is Saturday morning, a day I wait for all work week. Going to bed Friday evening knowing that I do not have to get up at 530a the next morning somehow helps me come to terms with the chronic insomnia I have been experiencing the last few weeks. Every night over the last few weeks, I have stayed awake worried about things I cannot control. I tried all my stress reducing techniques; reading, listening to music, aromatherapy hot baths, green tea to no advail. Sometimes I would fall asleep only to awake a few hours later then fall back asleep again. Sometimes I would stay awake and stare at the clock as it ticked to 1a followed by 2a followed by 3a only to fall asleep a hour before the alarm went off. Sometimes the nightmares would come and I would awake too frighten to move. Last Sunday morning at 4a I broke my toe walking in the dark to the bathroom. Every day I wake up tired and pray I can make it through the work day. I refuse to take off or call out sick. Working is good for me. It keeps the depression at bay. As long as I move everyday, I can keep my head out above the dark vortex that tries to suck me down. Focusing on helping others, involving myself with my grandchildren, taking each step forward, I am able to survive this. Though, I am convinced that the constant stress will do me in one day. Headaches, stomach distress, chronic fatigue are a daily reminder that the stress and worry is running uncontrollable within.

I feel like the therapist needs a therapist however I am tired of talking about it so I remain silent and travel on. No one knows the pain I feel inside and no one will ever know it. I allow others to see what I want them to see. I am the great pretender. The core within is beaten down basically broken. I know I am still around because I either am not brave enough or I have to remain a strong constant for my sons and grandchildren. They are OK as long as I am OK. Again, the great pretender.

Over 70,000 hits on this site thus far. It is amazing to me.

Trying

Weekends are definitely a challenge. I wonder if I should get a weekend job? Despite every coping tool I know, I seem to fall into a depression when the weekend comes around. Today is Bill's birthday and we went to Longwood Gardens where we walked miles stopped for lunch then drove all through the Kennett Square area through Newtown Square, Radnor over to the Main Line then to Conshohocken and stopped for dessert and a drink before we came home. The entire day I felt as if I fought off a black cloud. A very low hanging black cloud which felt as if it followed me around. I really do not know what to do except feel my feelings and pray it passes with time.

Depression

I think this is a really good article and I like to share what she writes and add what I do to take care of myself.

9 Ways to Take Care of Yourself When You Have Depression

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor

“Depression is an illness that requires a good deal of self-care,” writes psychologist Deborah Serani, PsyD, in her excellent book Living with Depression: Why Biology and Biography Matter along the Path to Hope and Healing.

But this might seem easier said than done, because when you have depression, the idea of taking care of anything feels like adding another boulder to your already heavy load. Serani understands firsthand the pain and exhaustion of depression. In addition to helping clients manage their depression, Serani works to manage her own, and shares her experiences in Living with Depression.
If you’re feeling better, you might ditch certain self-care habits, too. Maybe you skip a few therapy sessions, miss your medication or shirk other treatment tools. According to Serani, as some people improve, they get relaxed about their treatment plan, and before they know it are blinded to the warning signs and suffer a relapse.

Because skimping on self-care is a slippery slope to relapse, Serani provides readers with effective tips in her book. As a whole, the best things you can do to stave off relapse are to stick to your treatment plan and create a healthy environment. I’ve summarized her valuable suggestions below.

1. Attend your therapy sessions. As you’re feeling better, you might be tempted to skip a session or two or five. Instead, attend all sessions, and discuss your reluctance with your therapist. If changes are warranted, Serani says, you and your therapist can make the necessary adjustments.
Either way, discussing your reluctance can bring about important insights. As Serani writes:

Personally, the times I skipped sessions with my therapist showed me that I was avoiding profound subjects — or that I was reacting defensively to something in my life. Talking instead of walking showed me how self-defeating patterns were operating and that I needed to address these tendencies.

2. Take your meds as prescribed. Missing a dose can interfere with your medication’s effectiveness, and your symptoms might return. Alcohol and drugs also can mess with your meds. Stopping medication altogether might trigger discontinuation syndrome. If you’d like to stop taking your medication, don’t do it on your own. Talk with your prescribing physician so you can get off your medication slowly and properly.
Serani is diligent about taking her antidepressant medication and talks with her pharmacist frequently to make sure that over-the-counter medicines don’t interfere. With the help of her doctor, Serani was able to stop taking her medication. But her depression eventually returned. She writes:

…At first, it was upsetting to think that my neurobiology required ongoing repair and that I’d be one of the 20 percent of individuals who need medication for the rest of their lives. Over time, I came to view my depression as a chronic condition — one that required me to take medication much like a child with diabetes takes insulin, an adult with epilepsy takes antiseizure medication, or someone with poor eyesight wears glasses…

3. Get enough sleep.  Sleep has a big impact on mood disorders. As Serani explains, too little sleep exacerbates mania and too much sleep worsens depression. So it’s important to keep a consistent sleep and wake cycle along with maintaining healthy sleeping habits.
Sometimes adjusting your medication can help with sleep. Your doctor might prescribe a different dose or have you take your medication at a different time. For instance, when Serani started taking Prozac, one of the side effects was insomnia. Her doctor suggested taking the medication in the morning, and her sleeping problems dissipated.
For Serani, catnaps help with her fatigue. But she caps her naps at 30 minutes. She also doesn’t tackle potentially stressful tasks before bed, such as paying bills or making big decisions.
(If you’re struggling with insomnia, here’s an effective solution, which doesn’t have the side effects of sleep aids.)

4. Get moving. Depression’s debilitating and depleting effects make it difficult to get up and get moving. Serani can relate to these effects. She writes:

The lethargy of depression can make exercise seem like impossibility. I know, I grew roots and collected dust when I was anchored to my depression. I can still recall how getting out of bed was a feat in and of itself. I could barely fight gravity to sit up. My body was so heavy and everything hurt.

But moving helps decrease depression. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, start small with gentle movements like stretching, deep breathing, taking a shower or doing household chores. When you can, add more active activities such as walking, yoga or playing with your kids or whatever it is you enjoy.
It might help to get support, too. For instance, Serani scheduled walking dates with her neighbors. She also prefers to run errands and do household chores every day so she’s moving regularly.

5. Eat well. We know that nourishing our bodies with vitamins and minerals is key to our health. The same is true for depression. Poor nutrition can actually exacerbate exhaustion and impact cognition and mood.
Still, you might be too exhausted to shop for groceries or make meals. Serani suggests checking out online shopping options. Some local markets and stores will offer delivery services. Or you can ask your loved ones to cook a few meals for you. Another option is Meals-on-Wheels, which some religious and community organizations offer.

6. Know your triggers. In order to prevent relapse, it’s important to know what pushes your buttons and worsens your functioning. For instance, Serani is selective with the people she lets into her life, makes sure to keep a balanced calendar, doesn’t watch violent or abuse-laden films (the movie “Sophie’s Choice” sidelined her for weeks) and has a tough time tolerating loud or excessively stimulating environments.

Once you pinpoint your triggers, express them to others so your boundaries are honored.

7. Avoid people who are toxic. Toxic individuals are like emotional vampires, who “suck the life out of you,” according to Serani. They may be envious, judgmental and competitive. If you can’t stop seeing these people in general, limit your exposure and try having healthier individuals around when you’re hanging out with the toxic ones.

8. Stay connected with others. Social isolation, Serani writes, is your worst enemy. She schedules plans with friends, tries to go places she truly enjoys and has resources on hand when she’s somewhere potentially uncomfortable, such as books and crossword puzzles.
If you’re having a difficult time connecting with others, volunteer, join a support group or find like-minded people online on blogs and social media sites, she suggests. You also can ask loved ones to encourage you to socialize when you need it.



9. Create a healthy space. According to Serani, “… research says that creating a nurturing space can help you revitalize your mind, body and soul.” She suggests opening the shades and letting sunlight in. There’s also evidence that scent can minimize stress, improve sleep and boost immunity. Lemon and lavender have been shown to improve depression.
Serani says that you can use everything from essential oils to candles to soap to incense. She prefers lavender, lilac, vanilla and mango. If you’re sensitive to fragrance, she recommends diluting essential oils, buying flowers or even using dried fruit.

You also can listen to music, meditate, use guided imagery, practice yoga and even de-clutter parts of your home a little each time.

Serani’s last point involves empowering yourself and becoming resilient. She writes:

By learning about your biology and biography, following your treatment plan, and creating a healthy environment, you don’t allow anyone to minimize you or your depression. Instead of avoiding struggles, you learn from them. You trust your own instincts and abilities because they are uniquely yours. If you experience a setback, you summon learned skills and seek help from others to get back on-point. If a person’s ignorance on mental illness presents itself in the form of a joke or stigma, you clear the air with your knowledge of neurobiology and psychology.

 Self Care has been a regular treatment regiment for myself. It is hard to admit, but I have struggled with Major Depression Disorder most of my adult life. Sure, I went to therapy and took antidepressants, but something was missing and I discovered I would relapse often. I work well under pressure and stress. I always did what I had to do. However, I would crash and burn when the stressful situation at that time was over. I spoke a lot about it to colleagues, therapists, gained insight from readings and trainings. Most importantly, I learned talk therapy and medication alone does not work. I had to implement a new life style. It had to start with learning how to set boundaries and stick with those boundaries. I realized if I did not take care of myself, there was no one else willing and/or knowledgeable enough to do so.

I had to remove the toxic people from my life. If you are not willing to be part of the solution, then do not be part of the problem. I limit the people in my life. By limiting the people, I also was limiting the chaos. My focus is on my marriage, my children, my grandchildren, my job, my hobbies. I always have fresh flowers on my table. I take bubble baths. I spend weekends exploring, hiking, traveling, looking at life through the eyes of my grandchildren. I light candles. I journal. I play some games. I ride a bike. I swim in a pool. I sit in the sun. I look at the sun rising in the morning and moon rising at night. I no longer have expectations, seek approval or care what anyone thinks. When I am tired, I rest. I eat healthy. I put ear plugs in every night and listen to opera. I float with the music and as a result I sleep better. I take breaks in the middle of my work day. Though, it is not always possible to work within an eight hour day. I try my best to do so. I say, "no" then "no" and then "no" again. Guided imagery is something I teach and learned to use on myself. It slows down the mind and changes the thoughts. Laughter! Good God, laughter is the best medicine for me!

Most importantly, I pay close attention to my body. The body is remarkable as it continually gives signals when things are heading down the wrong road. Headaches. Shoulder/neck pain. Upset stomach. They are all signals to stop and re-evaluate. It does not mean to keep pushing harder. It means to slow the hell down. It is telling me if I do not slow down, it is going to slow down for me..........a.k.a ........TIA, Exhaustion, Depression............TIA was too close for me. Most of the stuff around me at any given time, I cannot control. I have this habit of learning things the hard way.....Acceptance. Preparation of mind & body. Surrendering. All tough lessons to learn and then do. Life is unfair. Life is not easy. However, it does not have to be complicated. Humans complicate things. Things are pretty simplistic. Peace is the reward.

Keep it moving one step at a time.

Part IX Depression Suicide

Mike Wallace: Speaking to a Nation

In April of this year, the world lost one of its most respected journalists. A journalist who could hold the feet of world leaders to the fire and get them to respond to the tough questions that needed answered.
Born in 1918, Wallace was one of the original correspondents for CBS’ groundbreaking investigative journalism show 60 Minutes, which debuted in 1968. He worked as a full-time correspondent for the program until 2006, and until 2008 as an occasional correspondent.
However, it is not only his career as a respected journalist for which he will be remembered. He will also be remembered for his openness about his diagnosis and struggle with depression.
Wallace’s depression was brought on by a lawsuit in 1984 that was filed against him and several other members from CBS over a documentary about the Vietnam War. Wallace had been the chief correspondent.
As Wallace wrote for Guideposts in 2002, “I found myself suddenly struck, then overwhelmed, by something—an emptiness, a helplessness, an emotion and physical collapse—I’d never experienced before.”
At the time Wallace did not realize he was experiencing depression. He tried to keep going as usual: doing research, conducting interviews. However, the pressure of routinely going into the courthouse and having accusations thrown at him began to eat away him. He began to think that perhaps he had done something wrong; that perhaps he was a dishonest person.
The following month brought a brief period of respite as he was able to leave the courtroom and travel to Ethiopia for a story. He believed he was getting his old self back, back to normal.
But as soon as he returned, the feelings of depression swarmed over him again. One night, his depression came to a head when he took a large amount of sleeping pills. His wife found him unconscious at 3 a.m. and he was rushed to the hospital. Doctors were able to pump his stomach. At the urging of his wife, Wallace finally went to go see a doctor. At the time, his doctor warned him that admitting that he was having emotional difficulties could potentially do damage to his reputation.
At the end of year, after battling the flu, he was admitted a hospital with what CBS announced was “exhaustion.” In truth, as he soon found, it was actually clinical depression.
After the trial ended—the other side dropped the lawsuit—Wallace thought he would go back to feeling as he did before the trial. But he didn’t.
As his doctor told him, “That’s not how depression works. You don’t just snap out of a serious illness. You have to stay on the treatment and give it time to work.”
Because of the stigma associated with having depression and other mental illnesses, Wallace did not disclose his personal struggles with the public until 1988 when he appeared on Later with Bob Costas. His initial intention was not, however, to discuss his depression, but he soon realized that it was an opportune time to address the issue and could offer hope to the people watching who may also be struggling with their own illness.
Mike Wallace continued talk about his depression, including on the PBS program Healthy Minds in 2009.
Wallace understood that the people around him were what helped him stay strong through difficult times and was willing to give help to others. In a NAMI Blog, Helen Singer describes how even a single phone call from Wallace helped her greatly.
With the support of the people around him, Wallace was able to find strength. As he wrote in Guideposts:
“In a way, that’s been the key to my still going strong for all these years. Every time I reach out beyond myself—to my family and friends, to my doctor, to my coworkers and the public to whom we bring the news, to the whole community of people who battle depressive disorders, and to the one I have turned to ever since I was a boy in Brookline—I find hope that has led me out of the darkness.” (NAMI)

Part VII Depression Bipolar Suicide

Becoming One's Own: The Powerful Words of Virginia Woolf

Virginia Woolf, born in England in 1882, is considered one of the greatest modernist and early feminist writers of the 20th century.
Her most famous works include Mrs. Dalloway (1925), To the Lighthouse (1927), Orlando (1928) and A Room of One’s Own (1929).
Woolf also struggled with bipolar disorder and died from suicide in 1941.
She experienced her first depressive episode at age 15, after the death of her mother and then her half-sister two years later. In 1904, after her father died, she experienced her second episode of depression and was briefly hospitalized. Sexual abuse from half-brothers also contributed to her mental illness.
Throughout Woolf’s life, mood swings often resulted in periods of convalescence that compromised her creativity. Episodes would begin with migraine headaches and sleeplessness and eventually lead to her hearing voices and experiencing visual hallucinations. In 1932 she wrote in a letter: “My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery—always buzzing, humming, soaring, diving and then buried in mud. And why? What’s this passion for?”
Woolf’s passion was for modernism in the arts—reaction to industrialization, urbanization and the horrors of World War I. It rejected traditional (realist) art forms in favor of radical reassessments and innovations, not only in style but also in considering the human condition and value of technological progress. Woolf experimented with stream-of consciousness narratives in her novels which revealed psychological and emotional motives of characters and other untraditional forms. In Flush: A Biography, for example, a semi-fictional biography of the poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning, the narrator is Browning’s cocker spaniel, Flush.
Ironically, the play Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf (1962) by Edward Albee, has nothing to do with Woolf the writer—except for the title. It reflects Woolf’s modernist perspective and is intended to ask “Who is afraid to live without illusion?” (i.e., peeling back social pretensions until raw motives and emotions are exposed).
Woolf’s greatest novel, Mrs. Dalloway, includes criticism of the medical establishment of the 1920s in its treatment of mental illness. One level, it is about a woman in London on a single day, preparing to host a party that night. But parallel chapters told from the perspective of a “shell-shocked” World War I veteran, who today would be referred to as living with posttraumatic stress disorder. Like Woolf, in her own experience with bipolar disorder, the character isolates himself, hears birds singing in Greek and ultimately dies from suicide.
In 1941 after finishing her last novel, Between the Acts, Woolf fell again into depression, which also coincided with the onset of World War II and destruction of her London home by a German bomb. In a note she left for her husband before she died, she wrote: “I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I don’t think two people could have been happier ‘til this terrible disease came.” (NAMI)

Part VI Depression and Suicide

Gandhi: Depression’s Spiritual Transformation

Mohandas Gandhi was one of the principle leaders of India’s movement for independence from the British Empire. Independence was achieved in 1947. He is also recognized as the world’s foremost proponent of non-violent civil disobedience as a force for change, which greatly influenced the civil rights movement in the United States in the 1950s and 1960s.
Gandhi was born in 1869. During his life, he lived through episodes of depression, including a suicide attempt as a teenager. He was also said to be shy and sensitive.
Following India’s independence, he endured his most severe episode of depression. India faced many tragic problems, including poverty and hunger. These issues weighed heavily on him as the “father of his country.”
Gandhi also felt a sense of personal failure. Independence was achieved at the cost of India being divided along religious lines into two separation nations: India, where the population was predominantly Hindu, and Pakistan, where the population was Muslim. The partition led to bloody riots in many cities between Hindus and Muslims. Gandhi saw it as a rejection of his philosophy of non-violence and collapse of his life’s work.
Gandhi spoke of his depression openly, confounded and frustrated because he lacked patience and “technique” to overcome it.
He once believed he could live to be 125, but told a reporter, “I have lost the hope because of the terrible happenings in the world. I don’t want to live in darkness.” The tone of his speeches, his “voice,” grew less optimistic.
Gandhi’s sense of failure and depression led to deeper reflection over his philosophy of non-violence and his life’s work. In a sense, he revisited choices he had made over the years, struggling with self-doubt. The result was reaffirmation, and to some degree, transformation.
Reflection often is part of cycles of growth in all people, especially those confronted by loss. This includes individuals living with mental illness as part of a process of recovery.
As a lawyer in South Africa, early in his career, Gandhi led opposition to legal discrimination against the Indian minority. It was the period when he first developed his philosophy of non-violent civil disobedience. When he returned to India in 1915, because of his work in South Africa, he became known as “Mahatma,” meaning “Great Soul.”
It was a title Gandhi did not like, until the last year of his life, as part of his transformation. He told a granddaughter: “I am a true Mahatma.”
His outlook included a sense of fatalism. Because of his teachings and work, he always believed he would die at the hands of an assassin, a death he said, he would gladly accept. In 1948, a Hindu extremist shot Gandhi to death, as part of a conspiracy whose members believed he favored Muslims in trying to end India’s violence.
Much of this article, including quotations, is based on the essay “From Mohandas to Mahatma: The Spiritual Metamorphosis of Gandhi” by Karen E. James in Essays in History, Vol. 28, pp. 5-20 Corcoran Department of History of the University of Virginia (1984), at http://www.lib.virginia.edu/area-studies/SouthAsia/gandhi.html. See also A First Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links between Leadership and Mental Illness by Nassir Graeme (Penguin Group, 2011). (NAMI)

Part V PTSD Depression

Audie Murphy: Branded by War, but Not Defeated by It

Audie Murphy is the most decorated soldier in American history. He received the Medal of Honor in World War II and many other awards for valor— including three Purple Hearts.
After the war, he built a successful career as a Hollywood actor and country and western songwriter.
He also lived with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and became an advocate for veterans, speaking openly about his ”battle fatigue” and calling for greater mental health care.
Born into poverty in Texas in 1924, he enlisted in the Army after the attack on Pearl Harbor. With the 3rd Infantry Division, he fought in Italy, France, Belgium and Germany—at one point winning a battlefield promotion to second lieutenant.
On Jan. 26, 1945, he fought the battle in France that earned him the Medal of Honor.

He then single-handedly fought the enemy advance.

Twenty-four inches of snow were on the ground and the temperature was 16 degrees below freezing. In the face of an armored attack from three sides, he ordered his company to retreat to a more protected position. He then single-handedly fought the enemy advance. He used his rifle until it ran out of ammunition, then a machine gun from on top of a burning tank destroyer and finally a land-line telephone to call in artillery strikes.
He then rallied his men into a counterattack. The official citation for his Medal of Honor declared that “his refusal to give an inch” of ground saved his company from encirclement and destruction” and held a vital position the enemy desperately sought to gain.
But heroism came with a price.
For the rest of his life, Murphy lived with insomnia, nightmares, paranoia and depression. He once claimed that the only way he could sleep was with a loaded pistol under his pillow.

When I was a child, I was told that men were branded by war. Has the brand been put on me?

In his autobiography, To Hell and Back (1949) he described the emotional conflict that haunted him:
"Like a horror film running backwards images of war flicker through my brain… I cannot sleep. My mind still whirls. When I was a child, I was told that men were branded by war. Has the brand been put on me? Have the years of blood stripped me of all decency?"
But he expressed hope and faith.
"I believe in men who stood up against the enemy, taking their beatings without whimper and their triumphs without boasting. The men who went and would go again to hell and back to preserve what our country thinks right and decent.
My country. America! We have been so intent on death that we have forgotten life. And now suddenly life faces us. I swear to myself that I will measure up to it. I may be branded by war, but I will not be defeated by it."

Even while struggling with PTSD, Murphy launched a movie career starring in over 40 films.

Even while struggling with PTSD, Murphy launched a movie career starring in over 40 films. He played himself in the film version of To Hell and Back (1955), which became Universal Studios’ biggest hit—ever— until 20 years later when Stephen Spielberg’s Jaws surpassed it.
He served as a major in the Texas National Guard and then the Army Reserve.
He died in a private plane crash in 1971. He was buried with full military honors in Arlington Cemetery, not far from the Tomb of the Unknown Solider. (NAMI)

Part III Black Dog Depression Bipolar Disorder

Winston Churchill and his “Black Dog” that Helped Win World War II

On Nov. 30, 1874, Winston Churchill was born into a family already of political prominence. His father, Lord Randolph Churchill, the eighth Duke of Marlborough, had become Chancellor of the Exchequer in his 30s, a role similar to that of Secretary of the Treasury in the United States.
Winston Churchill was also born into a family with a history of mental illness. Although it isn’t clear whether it was the consequence of neurosyphilis or schizophrenia, his father had displayed psychotic symptoms in his life and Winston’s daughter Diana, who had a major depressive episode in 1952, would ultimately die by suicide in 1963.

Only a man who knew what it was to discern a gleam of hope in a hopeless situation . . . could have given emotional reality to the words of defiance which rallied and sustained us in the menacing summer of 1940

However, it was Winston Churchill’s own illness, which he referred to as his “black dog,” that played a major role in World War II and Churchill’s career development. Some suspect that it was Churchill’s recurrent episodes of depression that allowed him to realistically assess the threat of Germany. Because of his depression he may have understood that simply conciliating Hitler would not stop Germany from advancing across Europe.
In the years leading up to the war, Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain and many British leaders did not see, or wish to acknowledge, Hitler’s true motives and did not want to confront Germany’s advances with force. Churchill though was convinced that Hitler had sinister intentions. After Chamberlain’s resignation in 1940, Churchill was appointed prime minister and changed Britain’s political strategy from one of appeasement to one of active resistance.

In addition to serving as prime minister for decades, he wrote 43 books and had an extensive amount of correspondence.

Psychiatrist Anthony Storr described how Churchill used his experiences of depression to inform his political decisions: “Only a man who knew what it was to discern a gleam of hope in a hopeless situation, whose courage was beyond reason and whose aggressive spirit burned at its fiercest when he was hemmed in and surrounded by enemies, could have given emotional reality to the words of defiance which rallied and sustained us in the menacing summer of 1940.”
It was Churchill’s experience with mental illness that ultimately allowed him to be successful leader. Looking back at Churchill’s life, it also becomes clear that he experienced symptoms of hypomania. His friend Lord Beaverbrook described Churchill as always either “at the top of the wheel of confidence or at the bottom of an intense depression.” During those periods when he wasn’t depressed, Churchill produced an incredible amount of work. In addition to serving as prime minister for decades, he wrote 43 books and had an extensive amount of correspondence. This has led many to suspect that Churchill may have lived with bipolar disorder.
Churchill’s depressive realism helped change the course of world history. He not only refused to submit to his black dog, he was able to use it to his advantage. If it were not for Churchill being influenced by his mental illness, the war in Europe might have ended in defeat for Britain, the U.S. and the rest of the Allies. Winston Churchill died in 1965 at the age of 90 after experiencing a stroke. (NAMI)

Part II

An American Icon and Depression: Abraham Lincoln

Everyone knows that Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) was the 16th President of the United States, but what is less commonly known is that Lincoln lived with major depression.
In his Pulitzer Prize-winning book Lincoln, David Herbert Donald wrote that Lincoln experienced depressive episodes after major life events, including the death of his first love, a broken engagement and the Second Battle of Bull Run.
“Was Lincoln's melancholy a ‘clinical depression?’ Yes—as far as that concept goes,” Joshua Wolf Shenk wrote in his 2005 book Lincoln's Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness. “Certainly his condition in the summer of 1835 matches what the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders labels a major depressive episode. Such an episode is characterized by depressed mood, a marked decrease in pleasure, or both, for at least two weeks, and symptoms such as agitation, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, and thoughts of death or suicide. Five and a half years later…Lincoln broke down again, and together these episodes suffice for modern clinicians to make an assessment of recurrent major depression.”
Though Lincoln battled depression, it never stopped him from changing the world and shaping American history. During his two presidential terms, Lincoln strategized behind the Civil War and saw victory at the Battle of Gettysburg in 1863, ended slavery with the Emancipation Proclamation and a Constitutional amendment and played a pivotal role in the reconstruction of the United States. (He also made Thanksgiving a national holiday.)
Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth in 1865 at Ford’s Theatre in Washington, D.C., where Booth snuck up behind him and shot him at point-blank range in the head. After being in a coma for nine hours, Lincoln died on April 15, 1865.
What’s important today is that we see Lincoln for the man he was. His mental illness was just one piece of a whole person—a person who changed the world and improved lives for others. Lincoln is an icon remembered for his vision and strength. (NAMI)

Crawling Out of the Darkness Part I

Walking and Fundraising for NAMI is important to me. Everyday, there will be one more person diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, a Personality Disorder, have their first psychotic break and be classified as Schizophrenic, struggle with OCD, PTSD and commit suicide as a result. getting the word out there and helping people get appropriate treatment costs money.

Did you know that Gandhi, Virginia Wolf, Syd Barrett, Mike Wallace, Audie Murphy, Teddy Roosevelt, Winston Churchill and Abraham Lincoln all struggled with Depression? Neither did I? Did you know that medication was not available as it is today? Do you ever wonder what life must have been like for them. Falling into the deep black hole with just a small ray of light and climbing inch by inch towards that light until light replaces darkness. Being afraid to never reach the light.

Depression is just, but one disease.

"Broken by it, I, too, maybe; bow to it, I never will." (Abraham Lincoln)

"Never give in-----never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense." (Winston Churchill)

"I may be branded by war, but I will not be defeated by it. " (Audie Murphy)

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world." (Gandhi)

Every time I reach out beyond myself, I find the hope that has led me out of the darkness." (Mike Wallace)

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." (Teddy Roosevelt)