Sunday, March 05, 2017

The Black Dog

I struggle with Depression. I have struggled with Depression since my middle 30's. I take Zoloft and have been taking it for years. Before I started on Zoloft I took Paxil. I have only had one increase in the dosage since I began taking it. I went form 50 mg of Zoloft to 100mg of Zoloft when my life fell apart in 2011. I am still on that dosage. I have been to therapy which helped. I know all the textbook stuff because I practice the same techniques with my patients. I have a thorough understanding about Depression both as a therapist and a person who struggles with it. Lately, I have been having a difficult time. I first noticed an increase in depressive symptoms around Christmas and I spoke about these symptoms with my family doctor. She chalked it up to the holiday season, the increased stress at work and lack of winter sunshine and vitamin D. It all makes sense because all these things are true so I have been patiently waiting for the sun to shine, making sure I eat properly and practice self-care the best I can as it pertains to my job/profession. However, that damn "black dog" continues to hover over me and wants to swallow me up. It makes daily functioning difficult because I continuously feel sad and tired. It interferes with my sleep. It makes decisions almost impossible to make. Chemical imbalance, genetics, whatever, it is something that is very real to me.


I never feel the symptoms when I am working. It does not interfere with my profession. I can be totally present when talking with my patients advocating for them with insurance companies or probation officers and all other manner of things as it pertains to them. I do not miss days at work and it is almost as though I can put all those symptoms aside during the duration of the work day. This is weird to me. Nighttime is hard for me and weekends can be hell unless I am occupied with my grandchildren. But to be alone in the house without structure is almost unbearable. Maybe, it gives me time to think about how upside down my family life has becomes? Maybe, it is not accepting how my life has changed? Maybe, it is because I am having a difficult time letting go of the Roxborough House. I loved that house with all its charm. I have been holding onto it for six years even though I have not lived in it in six years. Sometimes, I romanticize that I can go back. But we really can never go back can we? Going back there is not going to bring Joey or Ava back or take away the events that forced me out of there in the first place. Going back is not going to make everything better. Maybe financially but that is probably about it. It would be so much cheaper to live in a house I already own verses all this renting and spending weekends in Cape May at another house we own.

I am getting older. I would like to retire someday. That retirement cannot happen until I get all these ducks in a row. I have to be on better financial ground and I have to address the issues with that house while considering moving from here when the lease is up to another place further out in Montgomery County with more space. I want to be settled in a home, and especially within my own mind. I do not struggle with Depression because I have issues to work out in my life. It is the struggle with Depression that makes addressing those issues even harder or sometimes impossible. I envy folks who do not have to struggle with Depression and can make decisions easily and do not have the "black dog" hovering over them with fear and indecisiveness.

No comments: