Life Jacket

I do not want to be anyone's Life Jacket, Anchor, Strength. I am not anyone's Life Jacket, Anchor or Strength. I do not want to be held on a pedestal or the person with some sort of magic wand. I just want to be ordinary, normal, me. Lately, I have been called these terms by some of my patients. I do not want to live up to these terms. I work hard. I advocate. I am not a Life Jacket. The only Life Jacket in the room is them. I guide. I do not fix. I can't change anyone. They can only change themselves. It makes me very uncomfortable to be referred to in these terms. It is not a lack of self-esteem or poor self-worth, it is being viewed as some unique being, guardian angel, held above and I am not any of those things. I am simply human. I care. I have compassion and empathy. I believe in people and chose to see the positive instead of the negative. I know what it feels like to be hurt, judged, avoided. I work with a population that is used to society looking down upon them, judging them, avoiding them. They come from places of very low self-esteem and poor self-worth. They cannot even identify one positive thing about self.

Then, someone like me comes along.

Look for the solution and not the problem. Keep it moving.

I am often asked if I am in recovery. The answer surprises a lot of people. I am not in recovery but I know what addiction can do. I have had struggles with depression but I have come out of the dark tunnel and entered the sunlight. I believe in moving forward. I really believe in moving forward. I also believe that I cannot control how someone thinks, feels or behaves but I can control how I think, feel and behave. I can act instead of react. I try to model behavior. I am authentic. I do not sugar coat or lie.

What a sense of freedom it is not to believe we can control another person!

What a sense of freedom it is to not take on someone else's stuff!

I am not a Life Jacket. I understand you took a train from Western Pa to have me as your therapist. However, I am human and my name is Pat.

Life Moves ON

I could not sleep last night. Events of the day would not allow my mind to rest. As one hour became two then three, I told myself it was alright that I did not sleep. I knew I could survive the following day without the sleep. I have done it before. Funny thing happened. I fell asleep for a few hours. I am grateful for small surprises.

I was told something that stung to the core of my bones. If I heard this two years ago, I would have blamed myself, felt less than, would have beat myself up. I am not that same person. My self-esteem is healthy and intact. What a grand feeling! I am comfortable with who I am. The words did sting and they occupied my mind, however, I did not feel bad about myself in any shape or form. Again, it was a grand feeling. I intend to remain positive and continue to move forward. Truth be told, the words had no basis. Over the years my kindness was mistaken for weakness, and my compassion taken for granted. I am not weak but strong and just because my compassion was manipulated does not mean I never knew the game.

My classes were approved for January at Bryn Mawr College. My director approved my attendance and therefore I can take Fridays off from work starting January 17th through March 21. I am attending a post Masters program for a certification in Trauma Therapy. He asked that I teach the other counselors what I have learned. I told him it was a deal. I registered for the classes back in August with the hope that persistence would pay off. I am glad I held on.

Life moves on.