Thoughts. Dreams. Conclusions.

Choices and decisions can have far reaching consequences that could last a lifetime. I personally cannot stand drama and though some folks like to try and drag me into their drama I try to stay clear from it. Let's face it. I am a therapist by profession and I hear enough of other people's drama that I have no interest in it being present in my personal life.




I had a weird and disturbing dream last night about a nuclear bomb and nuclear explosions happening around me. I was trying to protect my grandchildren and I had them in my arms while seeing explosions in the distance and knowing that the explosions were getting closer and closer. According to dream interpretation, dreaming of bombs or explosions signifies one feeling out of control of a situation. If I thought about it there are several things in my life in which I feel no control so I guess my dream was a reflection of that feeling.


In reality, how much control do we really possess in our lives?

Continuing with the Journey

I do not know what is triggering me lately but I have been having nightmares again. They started last weekend and I am not sure if it is because of the recent conflict around Ava's mother or if it is memories stemming from my childhood around my own biological father. Lately, I have been remembering how much I missed my father (Ron) when I was a small child. How I could not express this feeling to my mom or dad (Art) for fear they would be angry with me. I remember laying across my mother's bed crying alone when my father (Ron) was sent back to Vietnam for a second tour of duty during the war. I think I was around 8 years old. Prior to that he was in and out of my life since I was 5 years old. While state side he was stationed in Rhode Island and sometimes he would drive down to Philly over a weekend. Most of my growing up years, I did not have him in my life. He was a career Naval Officer who served one tour in the Korean War and two tours in the Vietnam War. I was 16 years old before he retired after 27 years of military service. I did not understand any of this while I was growing up. I only knew he was gone and my mother seemed to be angry with him all the time. People do not realize how much a child feels because a child cannot verbalize those feelings. Overall I had good childhood years and I grew to love my dad (Art) very much however I never felt completely a part of the family as my younger siblings did and I do remember the feeling of loss and fear.

I wonder if these memories surfaced because of Ava. I often wonder what she is thinking or feeling and if she can verbalize those feelings. My guess would be "no". She is still pretty young and probably cannot verbalize what she feels or does not understand. I do not know for sure since I have not seen her in two years. It has not been for lack of trying on my part. I have hundreds of pictures and videos from her first four years when she was a major part of my life. There are so many memories of things we did together and places we went to. Lots of family memories. More memories than I ever had with my own biological father. I doubt she will forget those memories especially if she is anything like me. I have memories all the way back to being 2 years old kneeling on a chair in my grandmother's kitchen watching my grandmother kneading pie crusts. I still remember my grandmother doing laundry in the shed connected to the kitchen on Ridge Ave using a ringer washer and hanging it out in the yard or basement to dry.  I remember living with my grandparents after my parents were divorced. Considering my mom remarried when I was 3 years old and we moved out of my grandparents' house seems to be a pretty decent memory.

The nightmares can be disturbing though I am not as affected by them as I had been in the past. Time has a habit of healing some things. Truth be told, I also did a lot of work on myself in the past few years. I came to a point when I had to decide if I wanted to be a survivor or drown in self-pity. I am glad I made that choice to be a survivor because life is so much better today despite some nonsense or pain. I am no longer a victim who drowns in self-pity. I have not been for some time. What a wonderful feeling so if anyone out there is reading this and feels sorry for self, it is worth the work to turn that feeling around. I promise you, life is so much better. I have compassion and empathy for those around me who have not yet crawled out of the "victim phrase". I also know that each of us is responsible for our own journey in life. When you give up trying to control how another person thinks, feels or behaves, you gain a sense of freedom and a higher level of happiness. I am only responsible for myself and no one else. My children are adults. My grandchildren have parents. I have my husband and my career, both whom I love.  My future is about work, travel, planning for retirement, enjoying my children and grandchildren, laughing with my sister, and walking the rest of this journey with my husband by my side.

Yes. Life is good today.

Nightmare

I was in a house and I remember making sure the doors were locked and closed the blinds to keep the danger out. I felt afraid. My mother was in the house with me and she was afraid too. We kept looking out the window to see if Michael was coming. There was some sort of danger around my brother Michael.

I awoke from the dream and have been awake since 3a. At first I thought "great" it is only 2am and I have two more hours of sleep before my alarm goes off. The sleep never came and here I am writing about a dream on this site.

Sometimes She Shows Up in a Dream

I walked into the party and she looked at me with a look of  puzzlement. It was not long before the look of puzzlement turned into a shy smile I remembered all too well. The smile was proof she recognized me after all those years. She had the same facial expressions but these were on an older face not the younger face I remembered. Her mother passed by and instructed her to socialize with all her guests who were all there to celebrate her birthday.

A dream so clear I could see the color of her hair. God, I miss her so much. Writing this post has me crying and tears are rolling down my face. The last time I saw her was October 2013 when I bought her a Halloween costume. Sometimes this pain just grabs ahold of me and does not let go. I loved her. I still love her. She was a regular part of my life and I was a regular part of her life. I wonder if she ever thinks about me. If she ever misses me as I miss her. She will be 8 years old this year. She will make her First Holy Communion in May and I am going to miss it all. Sometimes the pain hurts so much I wonder if I will survive it.

Dreams

She was in my dreams again last night. I was looking for her and I could not find her. I would see her appear then when I went to her, she again disappeared. I cannot remember all the details but I could feel the loss.

Dreams and Memories

I was dreaming I was falling then woke up on the floor. The clock indicated it was 1248am. I tried to go back to sleep but my mind was flooded with memories from the past so I decided to write. All of my memories are about a child in the preschool years. As the memories came and went I realized that all I had were memories from the early years and there were few to none of any new memories made thereafter. If that has happened in regards to her  I wonder if I will experience the same scenario when it comes to him. All I know is that I am trying to navigate this new way of living and it has been an uphill climb. The lack of sleep on a weekend when I am the onsite counselor has been a challenge. I look forward to my weekday off so I can try to rest.

In the meantime this was my view from home tonight and I must admit I sat in awe and wonder.

Picture provided by the photographer husband. 

Dreams

I was standing at a bus stop with a crowd of people. I remember several buses passed by before one stopped and let myself and the crowd of folks waiting with me on the bus. Before I sat in one of the back seats, someone handed me a very sad blond haired little girl and asked me to take care of her because her mother was in jail. I held the little girl in my arms and told her everything was going to be alright and I would take care of her. I held her close and tight. I remember my sister was trying to get to the back of the bus to get a seat next to me.


At that point I awoke and looked at the clock. It was 330a. I laid staring at the ceiling missing Ava. What did the dream represent? Who was the little girl? Ava? Myself?

I Wonder if I will ever doubt God again

Was this dream an omen or an act of God? As I received the phone call of stunning good news, three birds flew down upon my balcony. The one bird with the reddish colored head stood right outside the patio door and looked directly my way as I spoke on the phone. Five minutes later they were gone.

Is There a Title

I had the sweetest dream early this morning. I was laying in bed and my dog was laying next to me on her back with legs up in the air. (why? who knows. Oh, I do not have a dog) There was a little boy beside me and we were laughing and teasing each other. He told me he wanted his ninny. I told him it was in his crib. he told me to go get it. I told him to go get it. We laughed back and forth and he had the biggest smile. The little boy was Shaun. He was about two years old, the oldest of my grandchildren. The dream felt so real and felt so good. I woke up with a feeling of contentment.

Shaun always had that electric smile where his entire face would light up. He is going to be 12years old next month. Time goes by too quickly. I miss having little ones around but I am happy to have had such a sweet dream.

On to other stuff;

• I made it off the chair yesterday
• I even made it out the door to Lowes
• Thought it was a good idea to buy bird seed
• Maybe I can get birds over to the balcony
• Every flower/plant/tree I tried to grow died out there
• So why not use the vacant flower pots filled with dirt as bird feeders
• I am sure I can't manage to kill the birds out there or maybe I can
• Time will tell
• In case you were wondering, the flowers/plants seem to stay alive indoors.
• I may not be completely hopeless
• White wine again in the house
• No more red wine with ice cubes (gagging)
• In a Great Wolf wine glass

Photo of the Day
"It's what's for breakfast"
Every single Blessed Day.

The Dream

I left a house where my sister was staying and waiting for my Dad to come home from work. I did not live there nor did I belong there I had to leave before my Dad saw me so when his pick-up truck pulled up, I left.

I was looking for my grandparents' house on Ridge Avenue but I could not find it. I went to the location where the house was suppose to be and knocked on the door. Inside the house were all these people; Two men and a woman looked at me and told me the house no longer existed. One man and the woman were younger as the other man was older. They looked poor and the younger man pointed to a smoke sign in the sky that read "Just Starve". He said, everyone will starve now that welfare was cut. I told them this had to be my grandparents' house. I described the staircase on the left and if you walked down the hallway, the living room and dining room were on the right and the kitchen was in the back. I told them there were three bedrooms and a bathroom on the second floor and another staircase to the third floor where two more bedrooms were. I told them, I sleep on the third floor. They told me, the house was gone.

I began walking up Clearfield Street and opened a gate to where the Caruso's used to live and I saw a headstone and a dog. No one was around. I walked up to the corner store at Clearfield and Commissioner Street and the store was gone. It was getting dark and I saw a dime on the ground. I did not know where to go. I was wandering. I felt scared.

Then, I heard Bill's voice and I woke up. The dream felt so real, I was so happy that I was in a bed under my blanket. It was just a dream. Just a dream were I felt lost and alone. I was so relieved that Bill was standing there with coffee.

Dreams

I had a dream last night about my deceased brother. Artie died in 1997 and was five years my junior. In the dream, he was sitting across from me at a table with his hands folded on the table. There was a mysterious light surrounding him and I could see his face clearly as it was bright and happy. He was reassuring me about something. However, I do not remember the words spoken. I remember the light and his face.