Maybe

I wonder if I have been too harsh in my thinking. She could have been doing the best she could with an impossible situation. Maybe I should consider the entire picture? Maybe she felt as though she needed to protect her child? Maybe I am being selfish? Maybe I should just let it all go? I decided a long time ago I would not push the issue that I needed to come to grips with the decision. That I would wait by the sidelines with a hope that she will find her way back into my life. I guess I am human. Loss is something I must endure. 

After all these years one would think it would get easier. It was not easy at all. I felt increasingly anxious all week. When I laid my head on the pillow at night I could not shut the thoughts off. By Friday night I was both emotionally and physically exhausted to the point I had to abruptly leave the restaurant Bill and I were having dinner and a few cocktails, My heart began to race. I felt dizzy. Then I felt as though the entire room was closing in on me. I had to leave before Bill paid the check to sit in the car. I felt so very physically sick. I thought I could vomit right there on the sidewalk. I sat in the car with my eyes shut and began to focus on my breathing. The feeling past and when we arrived home I climbed in bed but I could not sleep. I tossed and turned then finally went downstairs and laid on the sofa. At some period in the night or early morning I slept.


Saturday June 9th, 2018, I woke up on the sofa and Bill brought me a cup of coffee. Anxiety changed over to tears. It was her birthday and a reminder that it has been seven years since I saw her. In my mind she is still four years old. In reality she is eleven years old and nearly a teenager. I sent her a birthday card with a check and a gift card and as in the past I received no phone call or card of thanks. I do not even know if her voice changed. I know of her because her mother will text updates from time to time and I know what she looks like because I receive an occasional photo. However, I have not been a part of her life in seven years. I have missed birthdays and holidays and even her First Holy Communion because I was removed from her life. As a matter of fact, she has been removed from her entire paternal side.


And instead of it getting easier it has become harder. Bill believes Jackie's husband is instrumental in keeping Ava from us. I believe Jackie has her own mind and made this decision.


The sins of the son lead to consequences for his mother.


June 9th was a difficult and emotional day for me. I received tremendous support from my daughter-in-law Lynee. She gave me a shoulder to cry on and encouraged me to write down how I felt. My granddaughter Aubree did not know what to make of me crying as she has never seen me cry. She knows of Ava because of the pictures in the house.


I try to understand the reasons. I try to have compassion. Understanding and compassion does not stop it from hurting deep down inside myself. Ava was a part of my life as Aubree is today. I had a deep connection with her and that connection has been broken and as a result I feel broken. I lost my son seven years ago. I did not expect to lose my granddaughter too. I do not believe anyone really knows how painful that loss can be. Maybe someone who experienced it would understand. I do not know anyone who has seen what I saw or felt what I feel. I watched my entire world unravel around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.


I learned to stuff all these feelings deep down inside and if you see the everyday Pat you would not know from outside how deeply in pain she felt the inside. And sadly enough, this Pat does not forgive or forget easy. I wish I could and it is part of my character I am not really proud of. I know I will never forgive the people who took Ava out of my life because I have missed time in which one can never get back. As she celebrates another birthday it just reinforces I missed another year of her life.


So today I am thankful it is June 10th and June 9th is over for another year.

It feels great to have a day off from work even though being off today means I am the counselor on site this weekend. I spent some time with Aubree last night and this morning I cleaned under my bed sorted out the upstairs hall closet and I want to clean the family room. The house cleaners take care of all the rooms in the house with the exception of the family room. When I hired the house cleaners last summer we were in the process of remodeling the family room. I may add this room and the additional bathroom in the bi-weekly cleaning.


I thought I take a break and write on the blog. I have not been writing like I use to. It is not as though I do not have things to say, it is a lack of time. I split my time between two houses here in Philadelphia and Cape May. I am still counseling fulltime, and teaching part-time. My days are pretty full even with someone cleaning my house and taking care of the landscaping. I do my own cleaning and gardening at the house in Cape May.

Book Update

I am currently reading "Mornings on Horseback" by David McCullough and I have two other books in the winds to read such as "The Tudors" by G.J. Meyer and "Bellevue" by David Oshinsky. I am remiss in writing down the books I have read so if I repeat myself.......... I recently read "Jackie, Janet and Lee" by J. Randy Taraborrelli which I would not recommend. I believe the book was more fiction than fact and I prefer more fact in a book. I also read "Royal Sisters" by Anne Edwards, "The Three Lives of James Madison" by Noah Feldman. There maybe more that I did not cover. As I mentioned, I have been remiss in writing lately though I may have some more time as Bill began a new job in Center City and generally does not get home until close to 7p.

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New York Vacation Day Four "Sagamore Hill" in Oyster Bay

My son Joe served on this Carrier when he was in the US Navy.

New York Vacation Day Three "Tour of New York City" by Water Taxi