God's Plan

I believe that where we are at is exactly where we are suppose to be at even if we do not understand God's plan. I guess that is why my new patient has landed at my door step. I could feel and understand her pain as a mother with a son who is incarcerated. When you lose a child to prison you grieve the lost of their future and how you always thought things should be. When a mother loses a child to death, people flock towards her with offers of comfort and support. When a mother loses a child to prison, people avoid her and judge her. It makes for a very lonely existence because old friends leave you and you avoid telling new friends about your child for fear of them leaving too.


All those years back and forth in court from arrest to conviction. Each court date feels like you have aged a little more, and your nerves are frayed just a bit more. You avoid the news for fear you will see your child's mug shot and the judgmental comments from folks who have no idea what kind of person you are. All the while you cannot wrap your head around what has happened, how one night has changed your entire life.


You blame yourself with the what if could of and should of.


After the conviction and sentence, you try to remain strong for your child and their siblings because if the mother falls apart everyone else falls apart and you want to keep everyone moving forward because the pain you feel as the mother, the siblings feel as the brothers and the one convicted is thrown into a life he never experienced or imagined before. You tell him he has a choice to make the most out of the opportunities presented to him and become a better person or  he involves self in the riff raft and become a better criminal. Thankfully, he made the choice to embrace the opportunities.


My patient's son did not make the same choice and has spent more time in trouble and in the hole and as a result probably increased his time incarcerated. She turned to drugs to cope which exacerbates the situation. She has prolonged her grief and pain.


I am not stating that the grief and pain goes away completely but it does lessen and you can move forward. Grant it, your entire existence changes and you cannot help but view the world differently.


You do not want to feel jaded or angry though at times it surfaces and you realize you have some more work to do. You learn to appreciate things more and you stop taking those you love for granted. You always fear that something tragic could occur again and you could once again lose people you love dearly. You especially fear losing another grandchild as you did with your oldest granddaughter when her mother took her out of your life which made you not only grieve the lost of your son but of his daughter too.


I understand my patient's pain more than she will ever know and I will help her learn to cope with her grief and loss and reaffirm to her it is not her fault because children become adults and are solely responsible for the choices they make.


I believe that where we are at is exactly where we are suppose to be at because God has a plan. Over these last few years, God has allowed me a window to view part of his plan.

Shock then Grief

The older I get the more I realize that life should never be taken for granted. I am more mindful today to be grateful for all the things that come my way in this journey called life. I have experienced my own losses in life as I have shared numerous times on this site. Each day I try and teach my patients to be humble and grateful and take the time to slow down and really take in all the surroundings whether it be a flower that bloomed or simply enjoying the day through the eyes of a small child. I truly believe if you really want to enjoy the moment surround yourself with children and experience that day through their little eyes. It is an amazing joy.

Last night, we lost a coworker. This person was not an elderly person with a long term illness but a vibrant younger person who succumbed to an apparent drug overdose in an employee bathroom. I did not witness it as I had already left for the day but others witnessed the aftermath of  this discovery. The code white. The police. The ambulance. The fire department. Finally, the medical examiner. Our society views those struggling with substance abuse/addiction as though the person is a low life not worth helping because they choose to use drugs and/or alcohol and made a consciousness decision to destroy their life and everyone else's life around them. I have spent the last ten years trying to change that opinion because it is oh so untrue. I have counseled the person struggling with the addiction as well as taught the families who love them what addiction actually was in scientific evidence based terms. Some have listened, others merely heard.

I guess my point is this. We are all human beings and make mistakes. We have feelings. We are vulnerable. Substance abuse is not a moral issue but a mental health problem and currently a national crisis in this country and many others. We have to start looking at it in terms of helping and treatment as oppose to shunning and ignorance.  This person who died last night was educated, had a family and a home and who went to work everyday. I was told there were many tears last night and I witnessed tears today as I held one coworker in my arms as she sobbed. She was the strong one last night going around and offering comfort and support and setting up grief counseling for her fellow coworkers without a tear. Today, she broke down and cried out her heart which was filled with pain and loss.

I will not pretend that I understand God's plan for us and I stopped questioning years ago when I lost my son and granddaughter. I try to believe God has a plan for all of us. Some of us will travel a long rocky road while others just glide on through. It is not a question of fair or unfair. It just is. Where we are at is exactly where we are suppose to at. View situations as a learning. Continue moving forward. Slow down and cherish the experience. And never ever give up hope.

Loss, Change & Grief

The mind has a dumb sense of vast loss that is all.
It will take mind and memory months and possibly years
to gather all the details
and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss.

Mark Twain

"When a person is faced with a loss, crisis or life-changing event he/she is suddenly thrust into a new world, a world that is unfamiliar, one that can seem very daunting and at times frightening. It is a world of intense, unsettling at times conflicting feelings of loss, anger, depression, loneliness, fear, frustration, and desperation. Each person's experience of loss will have subtle nuances that will make it unlike any other loss, but what is common to all grief responses are the intense, heart-centered emotions that others will have also felt, endured and survived.

Without applying or asking to join, this person suddenly becomes a member of a very exclusive club. The Grief Club. This is a club that people do not choose to join, rather it is a club into which their grief has given them entrance. There is a common language spoken by the members of this club, one that can often be understood without words. Many times all that is required to let someone know you have been there and that you understand their grief is just a understanding look, a gentle touch on the arm, a reassuring hug or a heart-felt note. The motto for this Journey of Grief Club is "Cry, Remember, and Live Again." Also depicted within the coat of arms are the steps in the transformational process following a loss, going from loss (tear) through transition (purple heart) to reach healing (fuschia heart) and the butterfly to symbolize the life-altering change the occurs following a loss."

I was thrown into this club a little over a year ago and since then I have been struggling with a variety of emotions. I exist in a world where I am not living. When I discovered the above reading, I felt for the first time, there is someone else who truly understands what it is like to grieve the loss of an entire life style. No matter how I convey my thoughts or feelings to those around me, they do not understand the pain. As a therapist, I know it is a process in which I must go through. No one can help me with this process. However, I wish some of those close to me can just understand it. I did not asked to be placed into this situation though I have been judged and in the process have lost what has been most important to me. I am stuck in a place inside me that can't move on. I grasp onto promises, hope and words of others only to find myself in the mist of being a fool. How can someone so smart become someone so stupid?

For the first time, the reality of my world has stuck me. For a year, I had been living in a fantasy world, thinking and hoping some things will return to normal. Again I have been the fool. Nothing is ever going to be the same. Everything that has changed will remain changed. Reality is hard to swallow. I no longer view the world as I once have. I no longer view others as I once have. Things I once cared about, I no longer care about. I feel the loss and at times its intensity is so overwhelming I wonder if I can make it through it. Some will read this and blow it off as nonsense. Some will read this and say, "Get over it". Some will read it and just judge me. I do not care any longer. I have been trying to survive and unless you have walked in my shoes, you will never know what this type of loss this feels like. I lost people due to death. At least with death, there is closure. There is no closure here. It is an endless journey of ups and downs, thoughts and feelings and sometimes it feels as if one is walking on eggshells as afraid to crack or the opposite occurs and one becomes so angry, one cannot even stand themselves.

I want relief from this pain. I want to feel peace within my heart. I want to be able to get up in the morning and be happy I am alive.