God's Plan

I believe that where we are at is exactly where we are suppose to be at even if we do not understand God's plan. I guess that is why my new patient has landed at my door step. I could feel and understand her pain as a mother with a son who is incarcerated. When you lose a child to prison you grieve the lost of their future and how you always thought things should be. When a mother loses a child to death, people flock towards her with offers of comfort and support. When a mother loses a child to prison, people avoid her and judge her. It makes for a very lonely existence because old friends leave you and you avoid telling new friends about your child for fear of them leaving too.


All those years back and forth in court from arrest to conviction. Each court date feels like you have aged a little more, and your nerves are frayed just a bit more. You avoid the news for fear you will see your child's mug shot and the judgmental comments from folks who have no idea what kind of person you are. All the while you cannot wrap your head around what has happened, how one night has changed your entire life.


You blame yourself with the what if could of and should of.


After the conviction and sentence, you try to remain strong for your child and their siblings because if the mother falls apart everyone else falls apart and you want to keep everyone moving forward because the pain you feel as the mother, the siblings feel as the brothers and the one convicted is thrown into a life he never experienced or imagined before. You tell him he has a choice to make the most out of the opportunities presented to him and become a better person or  he involves self in the riff raft and become a better criminal. Thankfully, he made the choice to embrace the opportunities.


My patient's son did not make the same choice and has spent more time in trouble and in the hole and as a result probably increased his time incarcerated. She turned to drugs to cope which exacerbates the situation. She has prolonged her grief and pain.


I am not stating that the grief and pain goes away completely but it does lessen and you can move forward. Grant it, your entire existence changes and you cannot help but view the world differently.


You do not want to feel jaded or angry though at times it surfaces and you realize you have some more work to do. You learn to appreciate things more and you stop taking those you love for granted. You always fear that something tragic could occur again and you could once again lose people you love dearly. You especially fear losing another grandchild as you did with your oldest granddaughter when her mother took her out of your life which made you not only grieve the lost of your son but of his daughter too.


I understand my patient's pain more than she will ever know and I will help her learn to cope with her grief and loss and reaffirm to her it is not her fault because children become adults and are solely responsible for the choices they make.


I believe that where we are at is exactly where we are suppose to be at because God has a plan. Over these last few years, God has allowed me a window to view part of his plan.