Back Story

There is always a back story and after four years and 95,000 dollars in legal fees and the most horrific anxiety filled sleepless night  I had in a very long time, it has come to a close. Dramatic close.

Agendas. Sadly, I feel as though I was only a witness to a flawed and corrupt judicial system where the only winners are those who work in such a dysfunctional system from the detectives to the DA to the Judge all paid by the taxpayers. The privately hired Defense Attorney and the News's Writer are in a league of their own with outrageously high fees to sensational headliners.

Case in Point,

•  the police were legally allowed to lie because the means justifies the end.
•  the DA is not interested in justice but theatrics as to fulfill a desire for a future political office.
•  the shocked and irate judge who had to save his own public face when the DA decided to grand stand in the court room for the public after making a backroom deal unbeknown to the family .
• the defense attorney who did not feel it necessary to tell the family what was going on until after the fact. 
• the News's writer who had absolutely no clue as to the backroom shenanigans or the grand standing court theatrics and goes on to write an article filled with half truths and sensational headlines.

Where is the honesty and integrity in people? I certainly did not witness it.

There is a whole other side to this story. One in which I feel compelled to write about. I was approached about doing an interview. If I decide to decline the interview ( which I probably will) I will eventually write about it because in the end there is a little girl growing up without her father who will one day have to come to terms with all this. 

I also need to check in with my own conscious because I want my motives to be for the truth and not because I want to be revengeful or hurtful. My side of the story should be written without anger.

But right now it is a time to pray for healing. So many people are in pain right now and though there are several stories spinning today there are a few facts that remain; there is a child lost, a child removed, one person holding the (entire) bag and another who simply got away. There are families torn apart. There are families grieving, hurt, angry and wounded.

When the Tigers Come at Night

I want to thank all of you who have kept us in your prayers, sat endless hours in court, sent a note or made a call. I cannot express in words the appreciation I have for all those who went that extra mile especially my husband, my wonderful parents, my loving and caring sister, Marianne, Mrs. Zysk, Chrissy, Nicole, Greg, Tyreck, Erica, Anthony, Rose, Mark, Rebecca, Donna, Marge, Lisa, Ray and Luke. As his parents, I know I can speak for Joe (Sr) and myself when I say this has been a horrendous 38 months and though we can now have partial closure, it is only that "partial". We have a long hard road a head of us.




Today is the first day in two weeks I did not have to get up, dressed, travel in traffic and sit outside/inside a court room. The feeling is strange. I am beyond exhausted both physically and mentally. I never thought I would read about myself or any member of my family in the news let alone run from reporters with cameras. I never thought I would experience that horrible pain inside where one moment you want to run and the next moment you want to vomit followed by another moment when you fight on. Then, there are all the tears. To feel so weak and so strong all at once. 




It is impossible to go through such an event without it changing the way you view the world including the people around you. I will never trust people like I once did. I will certainly not count on certain others to be there in my corner when things get tough. I am especially disappointed in my older two sons and my brothers. Their support was visibly absent. I watched first hand how our judicial system works and I am appalled. There is so much corruption and thievery that unless you have to go through its process you can not comprehend. The one person who consistently seemed to uphold the law was the Judge.



The rain falls today which seems appropriate. The rain is my tears. The rain is the cleansing of the wounds. The rain is the sorrow of the heavens. Money is already on his books. Money is already on his phone cards. Clothes will be purchased and books sent. He spent the last weekend writing out cards for his child to cover the year with instructions for me to mail each one. He ordered her Easter Basket and sent her a congrats card with cash for getting an excellent report card. He handed me his childhood soccer patches, Naval medals and patches of the carrier he was on. He handed me her ultrasound pictures, first Christmas dress, ornaments, Christmas stocking and a bag of rocks she gave him when hiking. We discussed her financial support. He took care of the things he needed to take care of because he is a Dad who loves his child.




As a parent you raise your child/ren to be responsible productive adults. I am proud of my son for taking personal responsibility, for never giving up, and for the courage to face the consequences. I know others think differently. While I was cross examined by the DA, he specifically asked/stated a comment to me and I quote, "You are a mother so you would do anything for your child" I answered, "I am a mother who loves her son" but I want to make something crystal clear, I will not do anything especially lie.


Everyday I make a conscious effort to do the right thing. Doing the right thing does not make things easier in day to day living. However, it is who I am. I have never taken the easy way out. If I fall short, I try to learn and move on with the expectation that I avoid falling short again. I am not perfect. I hurt. I get angry. I get tired. I especially do not give up.


He was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, taken into custody, will be. sentenced in late May and I understand the DA will make an attempt to retry on 3rd degree murder (jury was deadlocked and gave him the lesser charge) so there will probably be another trial at the end of this year. The family will continue to pay legal fees until everything is exhausted. I never understood the term "unconditional love" until three years ago. I never understood the importance of family until three years ago and especially during these last two weeks.


I do not know what the future will bring. I am not even sure I want to return to work. Somehow I need to move forward. I believe in "future pacing", a term we use often in the therapy world and the reason I decided to plan that trip to Ireland. I knew this trial was approaching so I threw myself into planning a life long dream to travel to Ireland. My parents and my eldest grandchild are traveling with us on the 15th of April. I chose the dates carefully leaving on my beloved grandfather's birthday and returning on my father's birthday. Life is symbolic to me.


As a therapist, I use many techniques to help my patients reduce stress. I truly practice what I teach. I got through the trial by listening to soothing music through headphones, played solitaire on my cell phone, walked the halls, prayed and practiced triangular breathing as I waited sequestered outside the court room. I spent a lot of time in that hallway.


I also saw a lot in that hallway which will be left for another post.


At this present time, I am grieving many losses, my son, (his future), my granddaughter, (her father), my naïve way of viewing the world around me.


I will end with this;


" But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed"