Wednesday, April 02, 2014

When the Tigers Come at Night

I want to thank all of you who have kept us in your prayers, sat endless hours in court, sent a note or made a call. I cannot express in words the appreciation I have for all those who went that extra mile especially my husband, my wonderful parents, my loving and caring sister, Marianne, Mrs. Zysk, Chrissy, Nicole, Greg, Tyreck, Erica, Anthony, Rose, Mark, Rebecca, Donna, Marge, Lisa, Ray and Luke. As his parents, I know I can speak for Joe (Sr) and myself when I say this has been a horrendous 38 months and though we can now have partial closure, it is only that "partial". We have a long hard road a head of us.

Today is the first day in two weeks I did not have to get up, dressed, travel in traffic and sit outside/inside a court room. The feeling is strange. I am beyond exhausted both physically and mentally. I never thought I would read about myself or any member of my family in the news let alone run from reporters with cameras. I never thought I would experience that horrible pain inside where one moment you want to run and the next moment you want to vomit followed by another moment when you fight on. Then, there are all the tears. To feel so weak and so strong all at once. 

It is impossible to go through such an event without it changing the way you view the world including the people around you. I will never trust people like I once did. I will certainly not count on certain others to be there in my corner when things get tough. I am especially disappointed in my older two sons and my brothers. Their support was visibly absent. I watched first hand how our judicial system works and I am appalled. There is so much corruption and thievery that unless you have to go through its process you can not comprehend. The one person who consistently seemed to uphold the law was the Judge.

The rain falls today which seems appropriate. The rain is my tears. The rain is the cleansing of the wounds. The rain is the sorrow of the heavens. Money is already on his books. Money is already on his phone cards. Clothes will be purchased and books sent. He spent the last weekend writing out cards for his child to cover the year with instructions for me to mail each one. He ordered her Easter Basket and sent her a congrats card with cash for getting an excellent report card. He handed me his childhood soccer patches, Naval medals and patches of the carrier he was on. He handed me her ultrasound pictures, first Christmas dress, ornaments, Christmas stocking and a bag of rocks she gave him when hiking. We discussed her financial support. He took care of the things he needed to take care of because he is a Dad who loves his child.

As a parent you raise your child/ren to be responsible productive adults. I am proud of my son for taking personal responsibility, for never giving up, and for the courage to face the consequences. I know others think differently. While I was cross examined by the DA, he specifically asked/stated a comment to me and I quote, "You are a mother so you would do anything for your child" I answered, "I am a mother who loves her son" but I want to make something crystal clear, I will not do anything especially lie.

Everyday I make a conscious effort to do the right thing. Doing the right thing does not make things easier in day to day living. However, it is who I am. I have never taken the easy way out. If I fall short, I try to learn and move on with the expectation that I avoid falling short again. I am not perfect. I hurt. I get angry. I get tired. I especially do not give up.

He was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, taken into custody, will be. sentenced in late May and I understand the DA will make an attempt to retry on 3rd degree murder (jury was deadlocked and gave him the lesser charge) so there will probably be another trial at the end of this year. The family will continue to pay legal fees until everything is exhausted. I never understood the term "unconditional love" until three years ago. I never understood the importance of family until three years ago and especially during these last two weeks.

I do not know what the future will bring. I am not even sure I want to return to work. Somehow I need to move forward. I believe in "future pacing", a term we use often in the therapy world and the reason I decided to plan that trip to Ireland. I knew this trial was approaching so I threw myself into planning a life long dream to travel to Ireland. My parents and my eldest grandchild are traveling with us on the 15th of April. I chose the dates carefully leaving on my beloved grandfather's birthday and returning on my father's birthday. Life is symbolic to me.

As a therapist, I use many techniques to help my patients reduce stress. I truly practice what I teach. I got through the trial by listening to soothing music through headphones, played solitaire on my cell phone, walked the halls, prayed and practiced triangular breathing as I waited sequestered outside the court room. I spent a lot of time in that hallway.

I also saw a lot in that hallway which will be left for another post.

At this present time, I am grieving many losses, my son, (his future), my granddaughter, (her father), my naïve way of viewing the world around me.

I will end with this;

" But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed"

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