After all these years one would think it would get easier. It was not easy at all. I felt increasingly anxious all week. When I laid my head on the pillow at night I could not shut the thoughts off. By Friday night I was both emotionally and physically exhausted to the point I had to abruptly leave the restaurant Bill and I were having dinner and a few cocktails, My heart began to race. I felt dizzy. Then I felt as though the entire room was closing in on me. I had to leave before Bill paid the check to sit in the car. I felt so very physically sick. I thought I could vomit right there on the sidewalk. I sat in the car with my eyes shut and began to focus on my breathing. The feeling past and when we arrived home I climbed in bed but I could not sleep. I tossed and turned then finally went downstairs and laid on the sofa. At some period in the night or early morning I slept.


Saturday June 9th, 2018, I woke up on the sofa and Bill brought me a cup of coffee. Anxiety changed over to tears. It was her birthday and a reminder that it has been seven years since I saw her. In my mind she is still four years old. In reality she is eleven years old and nearly a teenager. I sent her a birthday card with a check and a gift card and as in the past I received no phone call or card of thanks. I do not even know if her voice changed. I know of her because her mother will text updates from time to time and I know what she looks like because I receive an occasional photo. However, I have not been a part of her life in seven years. I have missed birthdays and holidays and even her First Holy Communion because I was removed from her life. As a matter of fact, she has been removed from her entire paternal side.


And instead of it getting easier it has become harder. Bill believes Jackie's husband is instrumental in keeping Ava from us. I believe Jackie has her own mind and made this decision.


The sins of the son lead to consequences for his mother.


June 9th was a difficult and emotional day for me. I received tremendous support from my daughter-in-law Lynee. She gave me a shoulder to cry on and encouraged me to write down how I felt. My granddaughter Aubree did not know what to make of me crying as she has never seen me cry. She knows of Ava because of the pictures in the house.


I try to understand the reasons. I try to have compassion. Understanding and compassion does not stop it from hurting deep down inside myself. Ava was a part of my life as Aubree is today. I had a deep connection with her and that connection has been broken and as a result I feel broken. I lost my son seven years ago. I did not expect to lose my granddaughter too. I do not believe anyone really knows how painful that loss can be. Maybe someone who experienced it would understand. I do not know anyone who has seen what I saw or felt what I feel. I watched my entire world unravel around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.


I learned to stuff all these feelings deep down inside and if you see the everyday Pat you would not know from outside how deeply in pain she felt the inside. And sadly enough, this Pat does not forgive or forget easy. I wish I could and it is part of my character I am not really proud of. I know I will never forgive the people who took Ava out of my life because I have missed time in which one can never get back. As she celebrates another birthday it just reinforces I missed another year of her life.


So today I am thankful it is June 10th and June 9th is over for another year.

I Am Glad I Recorded All Those Special Moments

October 17, 2009

Mom Mom, I was once a little girl like you, said Ava as she pointed to a baby picture of me hanging on my bedroom wall.


October 17, 2010

Five little pumpkins sitting on a gate one had a bike and one had a skate. ~ Ava


October 17, 2010

Mom Mom, if you fall on the ground and crack your head your brain will fall out. ~ Ava

Happy 8th Birthday Ava

Dear Ava,

Today you became eight years old. I cannot believe how fast the time has went by. I remember the night that you were born and today as you celebrate another birthday I have had you in my thoughts all day. I was happy to talk to you this morning before you left the house and went off to school. Your voice remains the same. Your personality remains light and  filled with the excitement and wonder of a child knowing there will be a birthday cake to eat and gifts to open. In my mind you are three years old wearing a blue Cinderella dress and being sung to by your cousins Shaun & Nikolas. Remember when Nikolas blew out your candles so we sang all over again to you so you could blow out your own candles. I remember you stood upon the chair as I had my arms around you. Shaun was to your left and Nikolas was to your right. Pop Pop Bill recorded the Birthday Song. Do you remember how shy you were and how you placed your face in my shoulder?

Gifts will be arriving to you this week. Expect to receive Barbie and her sisters complete with ponies. Barbie has three little sisters and everyone has their own pony. Expect to receive a Birthday Barbie with the other Barbie's.  Expect to receive a fashion closet filled with Barbie clothes. All these items are from your Daddy. Expect to receive a birthday card with money from me and Pop Pop Bill. I am also going to take you out for a pedicure. I am just waiting for your Mom to check your schedule with a date. I was told Uncle Josh sent you a card from Aubree with a picture. I hope the rest of the family remembers your birthday as well.

Ava, I love you very much. I keep you in my heart. Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!

Love,
Mom Mom

Letters To Ava

Dear Ava,

Pop Pop Bill and I just spent a wonderful week exploring various historical sites in some of the New England States with a concentration in the states of Rhode Island, Connecticut and New York.  There are two things that I like the most, travelling and history. I have a "bucket list" of places I want to see and cultures I want to experience before I leave this earth. I made a decision a year ago that the months of exploring and travel will be in April and October. I am a planner therefore my mind is always searching out the next place and I spend the six months prior researching places and prices and saving to go see and experience these places. I never go on tours because tours take one to tourist traps especially in other countries so we fly then rent a car so we can explore how people live, what they eat and at a pace in which we choose to travel. Granted we may take a tour of a historical house like some of the houses in Newport Rhode Island, however, we only do that if it is the only way to see a place otherwise we research and read as we go.

Out of all the places we visited this past week, I found myself in love with the beauty of Newport Rhode Island not because there are ostentatious Vanderbilt mansions but because the waves crash up along the cliffs and spray their water high up in the air. I love the sound of the ocean, the smell of salt air and I am in awe of its power and beauty. Pop Pop Bill refers to me as an Island Girl because I seek solace in the ocean.

I really enjoyed touring Hyde Park particularly Franklin D Roosevelt's house. Though the Roosevelts were wealthy they were not ostentatious like the Vanderbilts and they had a home which was "lived in". They were down to earth people and as you take American History classes in school, you will learn about the extraordinary things the Roosevelts did for this country. I never knew that it was Franklin Roosevelt that started the March of Dimes and facilitated the events that resulted in Salk discovering the vaccine for polio therefore eradicating polio from our country and throughout the world. Pretty amazing stuff to say the least. The man was more than World War II or the New Deal.

Anyway, I saw your father yesterday and we had a nice three hour visit. He looks and sounds well. I am glad he is accepting advice and focusing on exercising his mind and body. He reads a lot of books and I know this because I am the one who ships the books and I generally send between seven to ten books a shipment. He realizes he is fortunate to have a supportive family and there are many others who do not have support so he shares his books once he reads them. I am glad he hands them out because it is always important to "give back" no matter what the situation. I try to do my part by shipping the big books of NA and AA and other such daily readers to those incarcerated who want them. It is not much but it is something. Your father always "worked out" on a daily basis and continues to do so. Exercise is good for one's physical and emotional health. He has been attending mass every week as well. I am glad he has reconnected with his childhood Catholic faith and believes in a higher power.

At some point in the near future I will open up a private fund for you to access when you become of age. I sent a backpack on behalf of your father and a small collection of Wizard of Oz dolls. I hope you received them. I did not realize until yesterday how much your absence affected my own father.He misses you. We love you, Ava. I hope you know that.

Love,
Mom Mom

Letters to My Sweet Ava

Dear Ava, 

I think of you each and every day however today you lay particularly heavy upon my heart. I miss you so much it often physically hurts. It has been nearly a year since I last saw you and that memory is of you waving and smiling to me from the back seat of your mother's car as we met for breakfast. You ordered pancakes and leaned over to me and asked me if I wanted to go to Target. I was thrilled to go and we let you pick out your Halloween outfit which was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. We bought you the movie to go with the costume. I really do not know what the future will bring and I do not want to waste energy judging or blaming. I am sure your mother is making the best decisions possible in an impossible situation and though I never met him I hope your step father is good to you. I want you to be happy and healthy though I sometimes wonder if you think about us and if you do think about us do you wonder where we went. I hope that thought does not cause you pain nor a void within your heart. Sometimes, we have an empty void inside that we cannot pin point. Children often cannot conceptionalize nor verbalize that feeling even when the feeling does exist. None of this was my choice. I want you to know that I never abandoned you and I love you more each day. You were my sunshine, my darling, my sweetheart and your loss has been very painful. Losing you and your Dad is something I could never imagine but imagining it or not it has happened. I think I am going to write letters occasionally on this site or perhaps a new site. I will never stop loving you and that is my promise. Until we see each other again.  

Mom Mom