Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.

Social Media allows one to reconnect or stay in contact. It is also a place of pretentiousness, and nonsensical nonsense. It can be indirectly or directly hurtful. Too much stimuli. Detoxing from face book is a good thing. The same people who say, "A child has their own personality despite how they were raised" are the same people who say, "You are a great" mother. father, whatever, when their kid does well. Then, there are the people who one choses not to be friends with commenting on mutual friends' posts which can boil one's blood because one knows so and so is a so and so and the bullshit written is just that bullshit.


Time to turn off and drop out for awhile.


Granted. Times have been tough. Probably too sensitive to the outside world. When trying gets one nowhere. Tired. Burnt out. Worn out. Not in the mood to see such fakeness at the moment. Rather see real folks with real viewpoints. So much pretentiousness. Jeeze!


This post probably makes no sense or perfect sense.


Anyways,


I completed my second class on Trauma Informed Practice. I will complete the series March 21st. The classes are being held at Bryn Mawr College. I sit in a classroom filled with intellectuals. I listen to phrases being thrown around such as "donor daughters" and other such stuff. What the hell is a donor daughter? Yes. I understand the meaning of both those words but what the hell are you talking about? Oh, your husband donated sperm while in law school and now the product is 17 years old and connected with your husband. They have a wonderful relationship so why is he referring to her as his donor daughter verses his daughter? I will never completely understand the minds of some people.


Sometimes I sit in the classroom and wonder if I fit in. Yes. I am intelligent. No. I cannot relate to donor daughters. I live in the real world with unbelievable real problems. I just do not fit in. Anywhere. No. I do not feel sorry for myself. I loathe self pity. Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.


I felt so physically sick in class on Friday I came home and went to bed. I am still in bed. I have slept a lot these past few days. I am not sure if it is physical or emotional. I cannot separate the two feelings anymore. I just know I feel awful and the tears fall easy. As my personality test will summarize, I do not deal well with rejection and I wonder if I am at the forefront of my own rejection? I expect so much out of myself. Granted. I have had years of "being" rejected by those who were and/or said they loved me. I do not want to be angry. I do not want to feel hurt. I rather keep it moving. Wish I knew some Voodoo!


Someone told me I had a face where it was easy for another to trust enough to share. Someone told me I had a good sense of humor. Both statements made within three days by people from opposite ends of the spectrum. I appear dumbfounded. Me? Really? I know I can listen to and have compassion for but sense of humor? I am too freaking serious to be labeled as a person with a sense of humor.


I talked to her Friday morning. It was agreed upon that I may speak to her a few days a week before school. The sound of her sweet little shy voice warms my heart and fills my soul. God knows I miss her so much it hurts to the bottom of my soles. I do not understand grandparents who have long distance relationships with their grandchildren or no relationships at all.


We have had a whole lot of snow so far this winter that I am sick of wearing boots. I never thought I would ever be sick of wearing boots. But here we are! Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.

Second Day of Social Media Disconnect

A new King has been born! Funny, I remember when William was born and now he has a child of his own. I am a lover of history, which includes European history and that covers anything royal. Especially, I love when royalty ran countries and were not just a figure head. Nonetheless, royal life is interesting since it is so different than our life.

I made most of my goals yesterday. I did not get the break I wanted at work, however, I worked an eight hour day. That in of itself is an achievement considering it was a Monday. Mondays can be especially difficult. After work I went bike riding and swimming. Swimming after riding was cool and relaxing until it started to rain. I remained in the pool as it rained until the thunder came rolling in. I found myself reading not playing games last night. Yes. I remain off FB. At one point, I wondered what else could I do? I continued to read and completed several chapters of my book.

Yesterday on my drive home from work, I passed the horses and noticed the two new foals are growing up fast. The horses still attract many people who stop along the road to pet and feed them.

Birds are chirping. Time for a second cup of coffee and meditation before I begin my work day.

New Begininngs

It is a new day. It is a new beginning. I got up before dawn this morning, made my coffee and took a cup out onto the balcony, sat and watched the sun rise. I heard the birds. I felt the breeze upon my face and I thought today is going to be a new beginning. I am going to take a break at work instead of working through lunch. I am going to try and work an eight hour day instead of staying until every single thing is completed. I am going to the gym and maybe the pool. I closed down FB last night because I was playing too many games, reading status quotes and realized I am reading less books, writing less, relaxing less and I am too tuned into social media.

Nothing changes until something changes.

I need less racing thoughts, more rest, sleep and some sort of balance in my life. I have to stop looking for it on the outside and start looking for it on the inside. All the things I know. All the things I have not done. I read this morning the Duchess is in labor. It looks as if she will have her baby today, my son's 30th birthday.

Happy Birthday Joe!