Loss, Change & Grief

The mind has a dumb sense of vast loss that is all.
It will take mind and memory months and possibly years
to gather all the details
and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss.

Mark Twain

"When a person is faced with a loss, crisis or life-changing event he/she is suddenly thrust into a new world, a world that is unfamiliar, one that can seem very daunting and at times frightening. It is a world of intense, unsettling at times conflicting feelings of loss, anger, depression, loneliness, fear, frustration, and desperation. Each person's experience of loss will have subtle nuances that will make it unlike any other loss, but what is common to all grief responses are the intense, heart-centered emotions that others will have also felt, endured and survived.

Without applying or asking to join, this person suddenly becomes a member of a very exclusive club. The Grief Club. This is a club that people do not choose to join, rather it is a club into which their grief has given them entrance. There is a common language spoken by the members of this club, one that can often be understood without words. Many times all that is required to let someone know you have been there and that you understand their grief is just a understanding look, a gentle touch on the arm, a reassuring hug or a heart-felt note. The motto for this Journey of Grief Club is "Cry, Remember, and Live Again." Also depicted within the coat of arms are the steps in the transformational process following a loss, going from loss (tear) through transition (purple heart) to reach healing (fuschia heart) and the butterfly to symbolize the life-altering change the occurs following a loss."

I was thrown into this club a little over a year ago and since then I have been struggling with a variety of emotions. I exist in a world where I am not living. When I discovered the above reading, I felt for the first time, there is someone else who truly understands what it is like to grieve the loss of an entire life style. No matter how I convey my thoughts or feelings to those around me, they do not understand the pain. As a therapist, I know it is a process in which I must go through. No one can help me with this process. However, I wish some of those close to me can just understand it. I did not asked to be placed into this situation though I have been judged and in the process have lost what has been most important to me. I am stuck in a place inside me that can't move on. I grasp onto promises, hope and words of others only to find myself in the mist of being a fool. How can someone so smart become someone so stupid?

For the first time, the reality of my world has stuck me. For a year, I had been living in a fantasy world, thinking and hoping some things will return to normal. Again I have been the fool. Nothing is ever going to be the same. Everything that has changed will remain changed. Reality is hard to swallow. I no longer view the world as I once have. I no longer view others as I once have. Things I once cared about, I no longer care about. I feel the loss and at times its intensity is so overwhelming I wonder if I can make it through it. Some will read this and blow it off as nonsense. Some will read this and say, "Get over it". Some will read it and just judge me. I do not care any longer. I have been trying to survive and unless you have walked in my shoes, you will never know what this type of loss this feels like. I lost people due to death. At least with death, there is closure. There is no closure here. It is an endless journey of ups and downs, thoughts and feelings and sometimes it feels as if one is walking on eggshells as afraid to crack or the opposite occurs and one becomes so angry, one cannot even stand themselves.

I want relief from this pain. I want to feel peace within my heart. I want to be able to get up in the morning and be happy I am alive.