Saturday, January 11, 2014
Try as I may, the New Year has brought increased feelings of anxiety and fear then add some feelings of loss and a perfect internal storm is brewing. I do not like the feelings of a perfect storm. I wish I were talking about the scratched cornea or the clutched jaw pain. I am not. I am talking about the emotional turmoil. Do not miss-understand for I get up everyday and go to work and work long long hours before I come home and go about the domestic, mother and grandmother duties. I am forever available to everyone. It is in the deep recesses of my mind and heart that the storm brews. It is as though I am at the verge of a loss of self-control but self-control I keep intact. It takes so much energy to keep it altogether. It is exhausting. I worry as a mother. I cannot even allow myself to think about the magnitude of the situation or allow myself to feel the loss as a grandmother. Then, there are the questions and self-doubt. When did I become unworthy or untrusted or doubt my own integrity after a lifetime of total and complete responsibility? I can't beat myself up. I won't beat myself up. I do beat myself up and I write in riddles and in vague terms as to express my deep inner thoughts and feelings without outwardly given away my meaning or intention. I have achieved so much in my life and at the same time I have lost so much. I do not want my granddaughter to ever think I did not love her or miss her or want to be with her. It was never my choice to be removed from her.