Sunday, February 02, 2014

Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.

Social Media allows one to reconnect or stay in contact. It is also a place of pretentiousness, and nonsensical nonsense. It can be indirectly or directly hurtful. Too much stimuli. Detoxing from face book is a good thing. The same people who say, "A child has their own personality despite how they were raised" are the same people who say, "You are a great" mother. father, whatever, when their kid does well. Then, there are the people who one choses not to be friends with commenting on mutual friends' posts which can boil one's blood because one knows so and so is a so and so and the bullshit written is just that bullshit.

Time to turn off and drop out for awhile.

Granted. Times have been tough. Probably too sensitive to the outside world. When trying gets one nowhere. Tired. Burnt out. Worn out. Not in the mood to see such fakeness at the moment. Rather see real folks with real viewpoints. So much pretentiousness. Jeeze!

This post probably makes no sense or perfect sense.


I completed my second class on Trauma Informed Practice. I will complete the series March 21st. The classes are being held at Bryn Mawr College. I sit in a classroom filled with intellectuals. I listen to phrases being thrown around such as "donor daughters" and other such stuff. What the hell is a donor daughter? Yes. I understand the meaning of both those words but what the hell are you talking about? Oh, your husband donated sperm while in law school and now the product is 17 years old and connected with your husband. They have a wonderful relationship so why is he referring to her as his donor daughter verses his daughter? I will never completely understand the minds of some people.

Sometimes I sit in the classroom and wonder if I fit in. Yes. I am intelligent. No. I cannot relate to donor daughters. I live in the real world with unbelievable real problems. I just do not fit in. Anywhere. No. I do not feel sorry for myself. I loathe self pity. Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.

I felt so physically sick in class on Friday I came home and went to bed. I am still in bed. I have slept a lot these past few days. I am not sure if it is physical or emotional. I cannot separate the two feelings anymore. I just know I feel awful and the tears fall easy. As my personality test will summarize, I do not deal well with rejection and I wonder if I am at the forefront of my own rejection? I expect so much out of myself. Granted. I have had years of "being" rejected by those who were and/or said they loved me. I do not want to be angry. I do not want to feel hurt. I rather keep it moving. Wish I knew some Voodoo!

Someone told me I had a face where it was easy for another to trust enough to share. Someone told me I had a good sense of humor. Both statements made within three days by people from opposite ends of the spectrum. I appear dumbfounded. Me? Really? I know I can listen to and have compassion for but sense of humor? I am too freaking serious to be labeled as a person with a sense of humor.

I talked to her Friday morning. It was agreed upon that I may speak to her a few days a week before school. The sound of her sweet little shy voice warms my heart and fills my soul. God knows I miss her so much it hurts to the bottom of my soles. I do not understand grandparents who have long distance relationships with their grandchildren or no relationships at all.

We have had a whole lot of snow so far this winter that I am sick of wearing boots. I never thought I would ever be sick of wearing boots. But here we are! Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.

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