I wanted to address this type of grief for sometime. I knew what it felt like but never knew there was terminology to go with that particular feeling so when I came across websites explaining this type of grief, I was finally able to relate and my feelings did not mean I was crazy.
What happens when a part of your life ends suddenly and abruptly? When a part of your life is over but you and the players are still alive? That you know there is someone out there that you love and this person is so close but untouchable. When you love someone so much and realize the life and future you expected them to have was not meant to be? That the pain is so raw and so deep yet they did not die?
This is the kind of loss that creates suffering without closure, You go through partial stages of grief but you can’t go through all the stages. You don’t know what you’re grieving for. When someone dies, people rally around you and there is a prescribed set of rituals to facilitate closure while be supported. When a loved one dies, we take comfort in the rituals that mark a passing and we turn to those around us for support. What happens when there is no closure? What happens when a family member or friend may still be alive but is lost to us nonetheless? What happens when there is no support? When those around you keep their distance? When you are screaming inside for someone to show they care and love you? When you are alone? When you spend each day pretending everything is alright? When you spend each day hanging on and hoping the day passes quickly? When the days fall into other days and there is no peace because there is no closure and you are left with thoughts and feelings you cannot understand and there is no one who can help you?
I have been experiencing this for three long years. One event lead to the mass destruction of the life I once knew. It resulted in living in the survivor mode. There is no closure in ambiguous loss, and we need to acknowledge that. I read it was possible to move on without closure. I read that we can figure out how to live with the loss. I future pace. I make plans and set goals and despite how sad I feel I try and keep it moving. It is so hard to keep it moving when you feel like throwing in the towel. Trying to do the next right thing without changing your entire viewpoint on life. Knowing you have aged externally and internally and when you look in the mirror it is some stranger looking back. Concluding that the world is unfair, bad things happen to good people, parenting sucks, children are used as pawns, doing the next right thing does not guarantee others will be doing the next right thing and figuring out how to live despite all of it without changing the core person you once were.
I think I speak in riddles sometime. I am often vague. I definitely intellectualize things and want answers to questions even when there are no answers. I would love my mind to rest. I made a deal with God sometime ago. I told God I would suffer in exchange that those I love are OK. It does not mean I want control over how things turn out but that no matter how things turn out those I love will be OK.
I am left with questions and no answers.