Few of us choose to be sad, but uninvited sadness has a way of creeping into our lives. How can sadness be a strength? A pathway to God? Is it when we are stretched so thin and our defenses so low that we are most open to God's grace? Probably. Where do you turn when there is no one or anything to turn to? When no one or anything can help remove the pain or sorrow? No matter what I do where I go whom I speak to, I cannot escape this inner sorrow. Today, I am consumed with it. It feels like it has taken over and though I try to rise above it, it is there. I have been up before 5am, drank coffee, said the rosary and took a long walk in the park before I had breakfast with my husband and came back home all before 10am. What now? The phone is always close by with the ringer turned on" high" so I do not miss a phone call. He can call at anytime and I do not want to miss the call. It has become an obsession. An obsession I did not have in Ireland because I was away and I knew no calls would come through. He knew I was out of the country therefore he would not call.
I can't live like this.
I can't feel like this.
Where the hell are you?
In Ireland, I went to every church and stopped at every grotto I saw. I prayed. I lit candles. I especially prayed and even begged the Blessed Mother for guidance. My grandson made a comment to me. He said, "Mom Mom, I know why you feel close to Mary. She had a son with problems just like you". How astute.
Shaun really enjoyed his time in Ireland. It was truly magical. I was also aware that my mood/attitude would model behavior. When we missed the connecting flight to Ireland in Boston because of bad weather, I did not show concern or worry, I said, "well, we have never been to Boston so let us enjoy the day before the next flight out to Dublin". I modeled "adventure" and he took it as "adventure" which was the theme of our entire trip. We went to wherever whenever and enjoyed our time together. He had a grand time with his grandparents and we had a grand time with our grandson. We plan to do it again with our second grandson in a few years. There is nothing like exploring through the eyes of a child. To view the world and its surroundings through innocent eyes. To watch in awe as he learned something new and was excited. Lots of laughter. Lots of love. Lots of learning. Lots of adventure. Life is truly to be lived in this way.
So why am I struggling so much today? Intellectually, I know I am mourning. Emotionally, I hate the feeling associated with mourning. I also know as a therapist, I must feel my feelings. Seriously, fuck that! I mourn so many losses. His life. Her life. My life. Nothing is as I thought it would be. My life was suppose to be filled with children and grandchildren around. Holiday and birthday celebrations. Watching and experiencing the milestones of children growing. I never expected to be separated. I always lived close by so I would never be separated and I am separated from him, her and the life I thought I would be living. I am in a nightmare where I cannot wake up. Today, I wonder if I will ever feel alright again. Will I ever gain acceptance? Peace? Some folks hate that I write about how I feel. I have to write about how I feel or I will never get passed it.
Right now, I am having a very sad day despite praying, changing thoughts, working out, cleaning, walking, whatever. The sadness will not pass and that phone sits beside me as I wait and wonder if there will be a call today while I know as each hour ticks by the chances lessen.
I truly hate this kind of existence. I hope Mary, God and all the saints can hear me.