Friday, May 23, 2014
Something is happening to me. It is difficult to explain. It is a feeling unlike any other feeling I have ever experienced. It is deep within as though it begins at the very core of my sense of self. It is not sudden or some sort of Ah Ha moment. It is slow steady and growing. I cannot pin point the exact day or hour it began only that it happened weeks ago and it continues on this day. It felt like a tug a war in the beginning. I felt periods of extreme sadness and fear then moments of clarity and calmness. Most things became unimportant compared to the bigger picture at hand. Sensitivity to my surroundings increased and I found myself laughing more, slowing down and enjoying the little simple things in my daily existence. Overall, I am calmer. I have more patience. I feel kinder. I look at the sky and take in the clouds. The sun shines brighter. I notice the trees and flowers. I feel the rain and the wind. I stop and look at rainbows. I no longer feel afraid (at moments it creeps back in) though there is still much to fear. I am not sure what "happy" feels like but I feel more content almost peaceful.
I think I found faith. Somewhere along this journey, I began to turn things over to God. I do not know when or how it happened but I believe it has happened. I never thought about God much despite my catholic upbringing and then I discovered I was angry with him before I began to reason with him then resourced to begging and pleading with him. Now, I just believe in him. I trust him. I know that things will be OK. I am unsure of what OK looks like and I do not expect that I will never feel sad, worry or experience pain. I just believe things will find a way to be OK. Maybe in the end, we will all be OK.