Jaded

I reread the last text once again. I ask myself the question "why"? Why has it taken so long for me to realize that I never have been or ever will be a priority? Why has it taken so long for me to realize that it will always be "too busy or too hectic"? Why has it taken so long for me to realize that she will never be allowed at my house despite the fact I moved or I would not be allowed to spend any time with her and every time I ask to meet for dinner, breakfast or to give gifts for Christmas, Easter or a birthday, I will not be permitted. What I do not understand is why did I not see it? It has been right in front of me but I did not see it. Someone is not "too busy" since last October. I will never be allowed to go to her house and visit. Why did I believe if I kept trying, things would change? I just wish I was told the truth. I wish her mother had enough courage to tell me. "Hey, you can keep trying but it will never be any different". That these things will never be. That I am not needed nor wanted.



It is sad. It truly sucks. If I think too long about it I could fall apart. So much stinking loss. I really do not know how to proceed.


One foot in front of the other. That appears to me my motto these days. There is so much good in my life and at the same time so much pain. I wonder if God is keeping me humble? I do not want to live my life filled with anger or resentment something I fear the most. I am angry I am missing my granddaughter's formative years. I resent being held from her. I am a grandmother who loves her granddaughter and is not allowed to show her. There is a granddaughter who could receive the love of her grandmother and that love is being with-held. I do not see the logic in this decision.


What I do know is it is not ok to disrespect me and I will not permit it any longer.


I also know that financial support is not the same as developing a relationship with another human being. Checks can be sent or saved. Relationships need to be nurtured. I would not be surprised if I am just a fleeting memory in my granddaughter's mind these days. If it is a fleeting memory these days at least I can take comfort in the fact that it is a pleasant and happy memory.  She knew I loved and adored her. Hopefully, one day she will find this site and seek me out. If and when she does I will be here with arms open wide.