Birthdays are important to me and I make every effort to make them special for myself as well as for others so why do I feel so let down in regards to my 57th birthday that just passed on the 14th of this month? I arranged for a weekend in New York City with my mom and sister and we stayed at the Belvedere in Times Square, visited the Museum of Natural History, took a carriage tour of Central Park, had an amazing dinner at an amazing restaurant, went for massages, visited the 9/11 museum and Ground Zero, visited three Catholic Churches where I lit candles and prayed for my family especially my grandchildren and children, purchased a beautiful Blessed Mother Statue, a pair of rosary beads for my granddaughter Aubree and three sets of Our Lady of Fatima Rosaries for my mother, sister and I so we can hang them in our own cars and as a reminder of our time together in New York. We knelt and held hands and prayed together in the hotel room. We had lots of laughs especially when my sister took my mother and I to the Sex Museum.
Going back to the original question on why I felt so let down almost seems ridiculous and petty as I should be grateful that I had such an amazing weekend with my sister and mother. But it is not about my sister or mother but about my own shit. My youngest son sent me a beautiful card and all three boys did call me. My oldest grandson even wished me a Happy Birthday! Is it because two of my boys did not send me a card? Is it because Bill invited my middle son to come over to sing Happy Birthday this Saturday night and received resistance and excuses? Is it because I told Bill to "forget it" in regards to calling my oldest son with the same invite? Is it because I "always" have that same reaction when I think someone believes I am worth the effort and I rather feel hurt than say how I am disappointed to avoid conflict and keep the peace? In all reality, I should have had the attitude "who cares what my middle son does" and had Bill invite my oldest son anyway.
Then I ask myself, should I be worth the effort? I believe the answer should be "yes". I should not always have to ask. Maybe I would like someone else to make the effort. Sort of like "Hey Mom, it is your birthday so we are going to stop over with kid/s to see you". I do not need cakes or gifts but I do need time and I do need to feel special.
So today on my day off from work and before I gear up to be the counselor on site this weekend, I am going to do what makes me feel good today whether it is getting paperwork ready for the taxes or cleaning up and begin decorating for Easter or just writing on this blog or reading, I am going to focus on myself today and try and put things into prospective because I know this is my own shit therefore it is up to me to fix my own shit.