While on this trip, I did some reflecting about my own behaviors, and what I really wanted to work on as far as self-improvement. Self-approval and perfectionism are just two behaviors I have struggled with for most of my life. When I decide to do something, I give it my all and then some. It is the then some that gets me in trouble. I have made a conscious effort to do my best and let the perfect Pat go. It requires too much energy to be perfect and in all reality, I am human. Therefore, I cannot be perfect. Second, I have allowed the negative attitudes of others affect me. Buttons have been pushed and the end result is I am stressed to the max. I have come to realize, I cannot control how another thinks, feels or acts. I have to let go of the control and allow others to live their own lives. (my children) If they make mistakes, they are their mistakes and not mine. Their responsibilities are their responsibilities. This will take a lot of daily mindful work and I expect to slip every now and about because "hey" I am not perfect.
Another thing I realized was how much I really do love my husband, and it is my husband whom I want to be with for the rest of my life. He has tolerated many of my moods and up to this point, I have allowed other things to get in the way of just being happy and content with him. I need to cherish and care for him the way he has cherished and cared for me. Although, it is said a marriage should be 50-50, in all reality, marriage can be 70-30 or 20-80 at times and that is OK. I appreciate him more today and though I may have made mistakes in my life. I believe that where we are today is exactly where we are suppose to be at.
What I do not want is to grow older and look back on life with a lot of regrets. Happiness does not occur from the external world, but happiness does occur internally. Happiness is an inside job. If one is looking for happiness on the outside, one will never find it. If I am to love myself, I will need to be mindful of my physical, mental and spiritual health. Staying grounded and being grateful for what I have in my life will keep me centered. Enough already......
Spending time with my grandson was a magical experience. Experiencing the dolphin swim through his young eyes is a memory I hope we both take with us for many years to come. On the last night of our trip, the staff of the resturant came out and sang Shaun happy birthday. I cannot describe in words the happiness and joy, I felt watching the surprise and excitement in his eyes. I want to create memories for my grandchildren just as my grandparents created memories for me. I hope one day, they look back and say, 'hey, I remember doing that with my grandmom".
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