Day Five

It was a long and rocky flight, but we made it home after beginning our trip home up from the Keys at 930am and finally landing at 7pm. I do not think I will be flying anywhere in the near future. Delays. Delays. Delays. The flight to Miami was uneventful. At least this plane had life jackets. The flight from Miami to Philadelphia was delayed 30mins to boarding, then another two hours as we sat on board before finally taking off. We were in the back of the plane and the turbulence was horrible. If I did not have my seat belt on I would have hit my head on the ceiling above me. When a plane rattles and rolls like that I think about it coming a part at the seams. I could care less about looking for any exit signs this time, because I knew if this plane went down, we were not surviving. However the children across the row from us slept the entire time and I thought if my grandson Shaun were on board, he would have been excited, because the turbulence to him means adventure. Yes, we flew together on a flight like this one in the past and that was exactly what he thought. As a matter of fact, I remember him yelling out loud, "yes. we are gonna crash". Not exactly something the passengers wanted to hear. We made it home and I thanked the pilot several times. He told me, "Oh , just a little turbulence. Not so bad". Sorry kind Sir, that is not what I thought.

So here I am back home and scheduled to work tomorrow. I can't help but wonder if I am mentally ready to take on someone else's problems, when I cannot deal with my own. I thought a vacation away would magically make me feel better. It did not. I came home to the same reality as before. For the first time in my life, I wondered if I could go on with this pain, I feel inside. How am I suppose to get through the days, weeks, months and years of struggle a head of me. How can I be strong for others, when I do not feel strong myself? I look around this house and see all that needs to be done. I see the bills that need to be paid. I have four student loans I must begin to pay back in addition to the student loan Bill still has. I have been out of work without pay, because I exhausted all my paid time off. I have classes to complete that I placed on hold. I am suppose to have 25 credit hours per year for my job. It is June and I have none. I never applied for another student loan for the school year 2011-2012. I am not on top of my game. This is a first for me. Part of me cares, but most of me does not care.

I looked over my balcony in Key West yesterday morning and thought about not returning home. I thought about finding some shack to live in by myself, and close out the entire world. Then I thought of my sons. My grandsons. My granddaughter. If I was not around I know they would survive, but how much pain would I cause them?

I have to do something. I cannot go on this way. I keep crying out for help, but no one is listening or maybe they just do not know what to do. Leave the house? Take a leave of absence from work? Stay at my parents' house in Washington Crossing? Stay at Shaun & Trish's house? I just want the noise in my head to stop.