Plans

I really wish I could sleep. I find myself sleeping in Joey's back bedroom several times a week. It comforts me. His things are all untouched. His clothes hang neatly in the closet and his sneakers are lined up against the wall. His photos are still out of himself and his daughter. Everywhere I turn, I see Joey' stuff. Bed bureaus television cable all still there. The same curtains hang from his windows and the same comfort graces his bed. In the middle of the bed, is a teddy bear with a photograph of him and his daughter at a Phillie's game. There is so much life in this room. Life that has been at a stand still for five months.

I went back to work yesterday after twelve days off. Some was for a scheduled vacation, most was for a bout of depression. I can put the mask on and get through a work day, then crash when I get back home. Twelve days ago, the mask slipped off and I found myself in an emotional state. I worked through it with support and went on the vacation. I can't say I did not cry in Key West, because I did cry a part of everyday. I miss him. I want him back.

The middle bedroom was Ava's since birth. She has some toys in there and her bureau but what is no longer there is her bed. The bed was thrown out a few days after the death. We have not purchased a new bed because we do not know for sure how much time Ava will be spending with us now that her father is not here. She wants bunk beds. For now, an easel sits in the middle of the room with all her Art supplies and crafts. She calls it her Artist Studio and the last time she was in there creating one of her master pieces, her cat layed on the floor beside her as she worked.

I made a decision about this house and it will be finalized on Monday results. If things do not move in our direction, then I will leave the house and create a new life in a new home for myself and Ava. It will be a gated community of condos. It will have to have two bedrooms and as a result, I will be down sizing my entire life. I will have furniture to sell, some to give away and the most precious items to me, I gave to my oldest son for safe keeping. The Civil War documents from my 3rd great grandfather now hang on his wall in his house. My Irish crystal will go to Trish, a special neckless and earring set went to Ava with a letter that I wrote to her hoping she would wear those on her wedding day. I have my grandmother's dishes and her hutch which I will also pass down to Shaun and Trish. There will a lot of careful consideration and plans made in the next week or so, but it is what I need.