Jaded

Never even heard the term until Steven Tyler sang that one song in regards to his daughter. I am feeling jaded. It sucks. Life goes on. I have decisions to make now that I have more information available to me.  What do I tell my granddaughter when she grows up and asks why I did not fight for her? Or. What do I tell my granddaughter when she grows up and she asks why I created pain for her mother? What do I tell her? I would love to see her. I do not believe that is the cards. It has been four months of silence. I wonder if a long distance relationship is possible where I talk with her on the phone and send cards and gifts at holidays and birthdays? I know things cannot continue like this. How do I let go? Should I let go? The fighter in me says, "Hell No". Then, there is that other part that does not want to create grief and pain.

I grew up with my paternal side of the family living blocks away, which included my great grandmother. I never knew them. It was not until I grew up and researched my family history that I discovered the Schroeders lived all around me. I asked one of my great aunt's who was still alive, why had the family not fought for me, visited me, included me in their lives? How could my grandmother Marie be one of sixteen children and not one of those children took an interest in me knowing my father was in the military and my paternal grandparents were dead? My great grandmother, Marie's mother, died in March of 1979. I was 19 years old and never knew her. That is sad. Really sad. As a child, it is the parents responsibility to include people in their lives, because children cannot make that decision. I knew my maternal side of the family. My grandmother was an only child who's own mother died when she was 3 yrs old. I knew my uncles and my aunt. They lived around us too. However, no one ever said a word about the others who were also so close. I am sure it had something to do with my father and mother divorcing and my father spending 27 years in the Navy. I will never really know the truth. But I can tell you from experience, I felt the loss.

It seems as though, history is about to repeat itself with my granddaughter. What am I to do? I am not her mother. I am not her father. I am her paternal grandmother who loves this child beyond words and I feel like no matter what, the choice is going to be wrong. I wish that some compromise could be made. However, I do not have that power. That power belongs to someone else.