Life

I watched two sparrows flapping their wings as they rolled around in a small pile of dirt in the parking lot. I took a moment to watch as I have seen birds using that same exact behavior while bathing in a bird bath. They look so carefree as if there was nothing in this world that could disrupt their happiness. Something so simple that is so peaceful.

I sat on my balcony tonight and became lost in my thoughts. Work was extremely difficult today and I came to realize how much of self is put into the type of work we do. It is nearly impossible to leave on time. So many patients needing so much attention. Classes to teach. Groups to facilitate. Families involved. Mothers with small children. Fathers who lost small children. The person who spent most of his life in institutions. Some need education. Some need nurturing. Some need an ear to listen. Behaviors addressed. Who is lying? Who is telling the truth? Treatment teams. Supervision. So much to do in a day without enough hours or a body that feels too damn tired.

I take a step back and ask myself, "why do I do this?" The expectations are high. The situations difficult. So why do it at all? I have dual degrees. Work in a lab vs work in a rehab. I noticed our patients are coming in sicker and the medical lingo I understand. No. It it not safe for a person with a platelet count of 25,000 or an EKG that screams A-Fib. Sometimes I say too much. I ask too many questions. The medical training clashes with the mental health/substance abuse training.

And I take another class for fun, "Genetics". In my world, things cannot just happen, there must be a reason behind it and I wonder why I am in constant conflict between religion and science. I want concrete evidence. Study genetics and perhaps I will find some answers. Chromosome 10 with specific genes related to nicotine addiction. Chromosome 17 with specific genes related to opiate addiction. The crazy thing about this class is it is exciting to me though so scary for others.

I sat on my balcony tonight and looked out across the lights in the darkness. So simple. So beautiful. Why can't life be like that?