The Tears Shed Upon a Burden Heart

She remembers the moment she was told she was to bring a life into the world. She remembers how much love she felt at that first kick. She clearly can recall in detail the labor and delivery and holding that precious bundle that made her heart swell up with joy. 

 She remembers the first smile, the first tooth, the first foot steps. She remembers the first day of school and watched as her child grew and learned and completed projects and excelled at sports. She remembers graduation day and cannot believe that the little boy whom she held and cradled and washed the tears away with just a simple kiss had grown to be a man.

  She remembers the "should haves, the could haves, and the would haves", though knows she can't bring back time or lost moments nor make different choices. She hurts and the tears fall down her cheek as she wants to go back in time and make it all better, but knows she can't. The tears fall when she is forgotten and the once upon a time, the importance of being a mother is reduced to being just a person.

The tears fall because she can't fix anything and wants all the pain to go away. She remembers the birth of each grandchild and what it felt like when she held that child within her arms and looked down upon their tiny faces and was overwhelmed at how much a grandmother could love. She is a woman, a mother , a grandmother and though she appears strong on the outside, she cries on the inside and sometimes late at night when no one can see, the tears fall as the heart breaks.

Today, she tries to move on and creates an oasis on a 10th floor balcony, because she can't live in her own home and does not know what the "new normal" looks like. She misses her granddaughter and the bond they once held. She misses the sleepovers with all three of her grandchildren. She lives in fear for one son and worries about its impact on the other two. She has experienced so much loss and the pain it is so overwhelming at times, she wonders if it would be better to not be around. The tears fall on this Mother Day for all the loss, pain, fear and loneliness she feels.