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The sun shines. The air feels cold. The birds chirp. From the outside, all seems well in the world. What one does not see is the turmoil within what seems like perfect harmony. Kindness mistaken for weakness. Silence mistaken for acceptance. Once upon a time, I was told to "always take the high road". The "high road" is the hard road for anyone who has taken a trip down it. It requires biting your tongue when you want to spit the poison. I know my own tongue. The poison can puncture and hurt to a level most have no idea. I control it. I try to take the "high road". Problem is the high road is a tiresome place to travel. I am afraid one day the storm within will hit the shoreline as fierce as a hurricane. It will spare no one in its path. It will shatter and crush. The repair will be enormous and the cost high.

As I grow older, I know less, see more, understand nothing. Each morning I awake and put in place a mask. The mask's persona displays a well adjusted intelligent person with a sense of humor, deep compassion, empathy and selflessness. Always giving. Never receiving. Fake it til you make it. One day at a time. Give it up to God. Live as if it is your last day. By the time, I get home, I feel exhausted, fried and take off that God forsaken mask and say "fuck it".

Do I feel angry? Yes! Do I think the world is unfair? Yes! Do I recognize the behaviors of insecurity, control, selfishness, hate, self-rightness? Hell Yes! You would never know what I think, feel or desire to behave, because I will never show it. However, it does not mean it is not there. While one is busy judging, I am looking in their own closet. It is amazing what one can find by looking behind, beneath and above in that closet. The dressing on the outside may look pretty, but the horror on the inside is beyond frightening. I guess that is why it is so easy to judge. While one is busy judging, condemning, they do not have to take a look at self. If they took a look at self, it would be a horror show and so damn uncomfortable.

People think I assess them at all times. Frankly, if I am not in work I have no desire to assess. Hey, that is my job, so why would I want to do it at home? On the other hand, I can recognize behavior when I see it. I am a behaviorist afterall. I see beyond the words said. Words are just that words. Human nature communicates more with tone and action. I pay close attention to these two, especially if I have good reason to. But, even that becomes tiresome. I am tired. Probably beyond tired. I am not in the mood for head games though I permitted myself to participate in them. I know why I allowed this to occur. I play or I spit poison. At this time in my life, I will continue to take the "high road". Keep my boundaries in place. Remain silent but watchful. And most importantly, prevent the storm from coming ashore.