The Circle of Life

I think they call it melancholy. Existing. Giving up. Not caring. I really do not have the exact words to express the thought or feeling. I see this expression in the field I work in. I probably experience it myself. I think life in general can become so overwhelming that the only thing left is to step back, regroup, move on. I wish there was more joy in this move forward. The sun comes up everyday even if the sky is full of dark gray clouds. The seasons change. New life begins. Old life ends. It is all part of this huge cycle.

Change. Adapting. Change was never difficult. Change is really difficult today. I look in the mirror and I see change. I look older. I feel older. Where do I go from here? I never had high blood pressure. I have it now. I never had asthma. I have it now. Nothing will ever be as it was.

I cannot reach back into the past and change it. The should have, would have and could have will only keep one stuck. Stuck. A small word with such a huge meaning.

Once upon a time, there was this woman who surrounded self with family. She got down on the floor and played with children. She laughed. She had adventure. She could hike with the best of them. She was smart. She worked hard. She loved. She learned to see life through the eyes of a little one. She overcame adversity. For every step she took forward, she took a step backward but never ever gave up. She defied the odds.

What happened to her? Where is she? I want her back. I do not think she will come back. She is gone. Once the caterpillar turns into a butterfly, it cannot go back to its cocoon. On one hand, there is magnificent beauty. On the other hand, the safety of the cocoon is gone. The butterfly may last , but a day. However, the caterpillar has prepared for this moment its entire life. I want the beauty of the butterfly and the safety of the cocoon. I do not think, I will see either. I am at the cross-road. Stuck. Do I turn right or do I turn left? Which road should I travel upon?

I will do what I have been doing these past few years. I will follow my conscious.