Breaking Ties

I was hurt and wounded when I first began my recovery journey. I thought I was honest but I was not. I lived like a chameleon. Whatever I needed to be to receive acceptance and approval or to keep the peace was what I would do or be on any given moment. And, I believed what I was told by the people who hurt me to control me. I believed I had no where else to go. This nightmare was all there was for me.

I made many assumptions about what I thought other people thought about me and the range was from pity to fraud. The bottom line is that I had no idea who the real me was. Desperately I held onto the idea that the only way I was going to feel better was for the people who had hurt me to make things right. It did not matter that there were some things that simply could not be undone. To me it was a no win situation.

I find myself in this abyss of existence and I do not know how to get out. Being told by someone whom you thought cared, "I did not answer the phone because I did not want to deal with you" or to reach out to talk because the pain within is so great and being told, " I will be over to sit by the pool so we can chat only to be contacted later that it was not a good day". That was a month ago. Sounds like a pity party. Partly, it could be. I guess the other part is a lesson. People are not always who they pretend to be. People lie. People have their own agenda. The only person one can really count on is self. Oh Wait! John actually called me to check up. God Bless John!

I knew that I would retire to Florida. I expected that would be in 17 years as I planned to retire at age 70yrs old. I am now considering relocating in November. Lease is up. Bill's three year contract is up. I have my license so I can work anywhere. Place house back on the market. Florida is the Rehab Capitol of the Country. I really do not have anyone keeping me here. Everyone is busy with their lives.  Prior relationships have changed and after all this time, I do not see they will be different. The life I had envisioned for myself has never came to pass. A life of children giggling through my house. Cutting up strawberries at the kitchen sink. Tasting those strawberries. Dancing the popcorn dance as the popcorn pops in the microwave. Walks in the park feeding the ducks, petting the baby horses, vacationing at Dutch Wonderland, listening to nighttime whispers between little ones, laughter, singing, playing games, watching movies while cuddling. It is all gone. All over. 

I have not allowed myself to grieve fully the loss. I always had other people's opinions rattling in my head. Time to grieve. Time to block out the opinions. Time to let things fall where they may.