Great Expectations

I believe there comes a time in everyone's life when they say, "enough", and throw in the towel. How much energy is wasted on caring too much, holding things and people together, having those closest hurt, miss-directed anger, control, never follow through and simply toss one's feelings to the side as though the feelings do not matter.

Ronnie was in and out of my life for many years. As a child, I did not understand. As an adult, I did understand. He was a military man who served three tours, one in Korea followed by two in Vietnam. He discharged after 27 years, married and moved away. I could understand the married part, but truth be told, I had a difficult time with the moving away part. I wanted him closer. I wanted him a part of my life. There was this off and on again relationship for years. When I last visited him five years ago, I knew in my heart, I would never see him again. There were a few cards sent here and there and one or two telephone conversations, but he stopped responding and I got tired of the one way relationship. I threw in the towel.

Michael is my oldest brother whom is also my only sibling whom we share a biological father. We were close growing up as we both lived with our grandparents, shared the same teenage friends and continued to be close throughout adulthood. He also moved down South, but our relationship continued. I missed him terribly. I felt the loss within my heart. However, we talked and I always thought he would be there for me as I would be there for him. Things got tough and he jumped ship. I wrote a letter. I received no response. I needed him more than ever. Like Father. Like Son. He turned into Ronnie and the loss I felt from Ronnie was nothing compared to the loss I felt from Michael. I am angry. I am tired. For ever how short or long my life may be, I will never forgive him for jumping ship. I guess, I too am like Ronnie. I can drop a person from my life and never feel one bit of guilt at never speaking to them. I love with all my heart. However, if I throw in the towel, I can walk away and never look back.

Today, I discovered how very weary I am. I am tired of the fight. I am tired of disappointment. I am tired of setting myself up. Most of all, I am tired of the expectations. This day, I will throw in the towel on expectations in general. I will expect nothing from anyone or anything. I will also stop trying to hold everything together. I am so damn tired of broken promises, lying, and all the bullshit in between. No more. I am finally at the point where I am done. I have a life to live and it is time I got to living it whether or not certain people want to be a part of it or not. I cannot pretend to be someone I am not so the ball is in your court. Count me in or count me out. I am done. This boundary will not be broken.

Maybe now I can let go.