PTSD and More

I sat for hours last night fighting that horrible feeling of emptiness. Then, I gave up and just allowed myself to feel it. It always seems particularly difficult at the close of a weekend. Maybe, it is because I have to put that mask firmly in place to get through another week? Maybe, it is because night had arrived and with the night comes the quiet internal fear of the unknown. I will not pretend I have any answers, therapist/counselor/whatever I am called, does not make me invincible to emotions. I feel them. I hate to feel them.

I have all these daily readers, counselor websites, mental health and addiction websites that come onto my news' feed everyday. I pick out what is useful for my patients. Most days I ignore their messages. Today, there was an article on PTSD and three specific symptoms; intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance and avoidance behaviors. What really stuck out to me was the avoidance behaviors, especially the one where the sufferer avoids emotional connections with those they love. They pull away from those they love as to not feel any pain. I am very familiar with the intrusive thoughts, nightmares and anxiety associated with the disorder, but the avoidance behaviors, I paid very little attention. It is so textbook and so damn true.

It is wanting to be accepted, but wanting to be alone at the same time. It is wanting a normal everyday existence, perhaps the existence, one previously had, or it brings out the hidden deep dark fear that has been there all one's life, but never recognized, acknowledged or was aware. The feeling is a huge gap, a hole, a void, an emptiness that the outside world cannot fill. How, when, why or where it started does not really matter. What matters is the feeling. The here and now feeling of emptiness, loneliness, sorrow, a pain so deep, one would do most anything to avoid.

I wonder if this is the true source of addiction and/or the development of mental health disorders, which are often miss-understood.

Snap out of it! Get over it! It could be worse! You never go to anything! You avoid us! Knock it off!

OMG, if only they understood the pain.

This kind of pain leads to suicide, drug/alcohol addiction, impulsive behaviors, anger, One does not want to really die or self-medicate or even fight, one just wants the pain to end.

One pushes those closest away though one needs them more than ever. One reacts in miss-directed anger though the anger is really about the person in pain. Those around them become frustrated, aggravated and judgmental, though that is the worse possible way to address this person in pain. The person in pain needs love, understanding, compassion and patience. The person in pain needs to be pulled back into the fold not abandoned even though that person resists. Remember, someone in that much emotional pain uses resistance as a defense mechanism. What person in pain wants to set themselves up for more pain in the form of rejection?

If you know such a person, please be understanding. Time takes time or that is what they say.