I lived with false hope for a long time believing that as long as I kept trying that things would get better. But things did not get better - they got worse. Then over time I gave up hope and I did not even try at all, I merely tried to get through another day. Even though I did not realize it at the time, I had the proof right before my eyes that no matter what I did or did not do I could not change them.
The scary part of having no hope is that I not only gave up on trying to change them I gave up on myself as well. I did not care if I combed my hair or not. My house was a wreck. I was so sure that there was not anything that I could do to help myself. About the only feeling I can remember having was fear. Fear that things could get worse.
Focus on the solution and not the problem, and the solution was in me. I had to want it to own it. I have learned that recovery is not by accident. It required a deliberate and premeditated action on my part to face the truth in my life about how I had been living, how I thought, and how I felt about things. I had to come out of denial and face the truth before I could change it.
In reality it was truth or consequences. Without change my life would continue the way that it was and it WOULD get worse.
Do what I should do and could do today and then tomorrow do it all over again. I make flexible plans for my future knowing that at any given moment those plans could change. I am told to make the plans and then leave it up to God. I am not sure I buy that idea. As a matter of fact, the opposite has happened to me. Some people have this undying faith and belief in God. I think there is a God but my God does not have any such power.
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