Feelings

Expectations.


Broken Promises.


Lots of Waiting.


Disappointment.


Doubt.


No Answers.


Hold On.


Let Go.


Wish I Knew.


Acceptance..
Sad.

This and alittle of That

Spent my birthday in Gettysburg. It snowed. Again. Then. Again.



My granddaughter finally received her Christmas presents with her Valentine present.




Completed 3 out of 5 classes on Trauma Informed Practice at Bryn Mawr College.




Snow. Ice. Thunder. Lightning. Rain. Tornado Watch?




Ireland is less than 2months away. Made reservations for a 4th of July weekend in Gettysburg to take the grandpoles to experience re-enactments. Made reservations to spend a week in the mountains of TN in October.




New roof on the house.




Still need a new washer/dryer and a repair on the stove.




Thinking about filing taxes. Still thinking.




Decided to forgive my brother as my own gift to self for my birthday.



Stress Eating. Weight Gain. Workout. Weight Loss.


Someone I knew since a child. Severe Ongoing Depression. Suicide.


Life is Complex.

Bargaining With One's Past

 Your life has been a string of events that leads you to where you are now – in part determined by doors opened, doors closed, and the history, decisions and happenings that contribute to who and where you are today. When you look back on your life so far, how do you feel? Optimally, there are no regrets. But in reality for many, when you're having difficulty feeling okay with where you are now, you may look back with regret and grieve lost opportunities, lost relationships, no-win situations, and unfortunate decisions that you perceive as having affected the trajectory of your life – if only you hadn't married your ex; if only you hadn't put your career on hold to have children, if only... The list in your head of imagined and impossible negotiations to bring your loved one back or to gain access to that better life you should have had can painfully distort your thinking.

In this process, you grieve the loss of what you perceive would have been. You see yourself as having lost something, or the idea of something that is profoundly meaningful to you, and the experience is every bit as real as suffering after any kind of traumatic event.
          

It is a common experience to look back at aspects of your life with regret, but for most people it isn't the only motivation for fantasizing about the past. Instead, many psychologists believe that almost everything you do is meant to be self-preserving, even if it turns out to be self-destructive instead. During challenging times in your past, you undertook certain actions and beliefs in an effort to manage or avoid difficult situations and uncomfortable experiences. When you fantasize about things coming out differently than they have, you are attempting to transform the experience, albeit briefly – to allow yourself a respite from regret and other painful reminders of past “mistakes.” This process lets you briefly have the outcome you want.


Unfortunately, fantasy allows only a brief respite. You made the choices you made and have become the person you are. In the present, reality is reality, loss is loss, and nothing can be shifted by renegotiating your actions in the past. Retroactive bargaining is a band-aid that can make you feel temporarily better, but can leave you feeling worse when you come back to now and are painfully reminded yet again how things actually turned out.


That said, retroactive bargaining yields important information. Noticing a particular time or area of your life that you fixate on may indicate that there is loss in your life that you have not allowed yourself to adequately grieve. The event could even have happened 20 years ago or longer, but at the time you weren't able to give it the attention it needed to heal.


Ultimately, instead of engaging in retroactive bargaining, work on forgiving yourself for the decisions and actions in your past that you wish you could have changed. Yes, hindsight can illuminate how differently you could have handled something. But what gets lost, is context. As you engage in retroactive bargaining, you are doing it with all the knowledge you have now without taking into account what you knew and who you were at the time. There were reasons and forces and more factors than you could possibly have been aware of that compelled your choices and the outcome. (If only I paid attention to my gut feeling and not allowed her to stay the night)


If you find yourself in the cycle of regret, replaying a scene in your head and sculpting a different outcome, try to acknowledge that there are reasons you did what you did at the time. Understand that your past self didn’t have the wealth of knowledge or perspective your current self does. Putting your past in context and acknowledging that there were more forces at play than you may have considered at the time can help you feel more accepting of the person you are now.

February Valentine Baby

"The Aquarian baby is chatty, very bright, original and independent. She will learn things quickly and absorbs information with great energy. Because of this, she has a lot to teach her playmates. A Valentine baby can be very stubborn at times and, despite valuing the company of others, also enjoys her time alone. She can often appear detached from others but, despite appearances, is often thinking about those close to her and is extremely loyal."


The boys are having a sleep-over at our house tonight. They came around noon and we went to Dave & Busters then to the movies to see "The Nut Job". They made a fort using sheets, blankets and the dining room table, had a pillow/sock fight in the living room and played on their IPads while they drank milkshakes. The boys are fun and exhausting.


I still have my granddaughter's Christmas gifts. That makes me sad.


The above quote is one I found about Valentine babies. I am one of those Valentine babies born during a snow blizzard when cars needed chains. I was breech and gave my mother a tough time during birth. The morning I was born was the day my parents separated. Does not sound like a happy time does it?


I like to talk when I want to talk. I have done well in school and love to learn. I did not have to try too terribly hard to get good grades and graduated college with a 3.96 GPA. I am stubborn and I really like my time alone. Some people think I am stuck up when they first meet me then change their minds afterwards. Most think I am kind and caring. I can detach but I worry to the point of anxiety. No one will ever know this part of me because I hide it well. I am very loyal. I do not make friends easy nor do I have a lot of them but when I am your friend, I am your friend. I find it amazing that I can come across these quotes which are so on point.


I received two early birthday cards today. One was signed Terry and family. The other was signed Michael in Terry's handwriting. Not sure what to think about it.


My nine year old grandson is calling for me to come and watch a movie with him so off I go.

Maybe the war on drugs should include the roundhouse.

Commissioner Ramsey Confirms Cop Corruption Probe « CBS Philly


By Mike Dougherty
PHILADELPHIA (CBS) — Seven Philadelphia narcotics officers have been relieved of their duties as part of a federal corruption investigation. One officer is in federal custody.
Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey announced Friday that five more officers were removed from the street as part of the investigation. Two others were removed months ago, and this is the first time he publically commented on the probe.
“This is a joint FBI, Philadelphia Police Internal Affairs investigation that’s taking place,” Ramsey said. “I can’t get into a lot of detail. There is a federal grand jury involved in this, so I can’t give a lot of information.”
Ramsey said one of the officers previously removed has been in federal custody for a few months. The five cops who turned in their badges and guns this week have been assigned to desk duty.
He would not release their names and he refused to answer questions about the allegations against the officers.

Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.

Social Media allows one to reconnect or stay in contact. It is also a place of pretentiousness, and nonsensical nonsense. It can be indirectly or directly hurtful. Too much stimuli. Detoxing from face book is a good thing. The same people who say, "A child has their own personality despite how they were raised" are the same people who say, "You are a great" mother. father, whatever, when their kid does well. Then, there are the people who one choses not to be friends with commenting on mutual friends' posts which can boil one's blood because one knows so and so is a so and so and the bullshit written is just that bullshit.


Time to turn off and drop out for awhile.


Granted. Times have been tough. Probably too sensitive to the outside world. When trying gets one nowhere. Tired. Burnt out. Worn out. Not in the mood to see such fakeness at the moment. Rather see real folks with real viewpoints. So much pretentiousness. Jeeze!


This post probably makes no sense or perfect sense.


Anyways,


I completed my second class on Trauma Informed Practice. I will complete the series March 21st. The classes are being held at Bryn Mawr College. I sit in a classroom filled with intellectuals. I listen to phrases being thrown around such as "donor daughters" and other such stuff. What the hell is a donor daughter? Yes. I understand the meaning of both those words but what the hell are you talking about? Oh, your husband donated sperm while in law school and now the product is 17 years old and connected with your husband. They have a wonderful relationship so why is he referring to her as his donor daughter verses his daughter? I will never completely understand the minds of some people.


Sometimes I sit in the classroom and wonder if I fit in. Yes. I am intelligent. No. I cannot relate to donor daughters. I live in the real world with unbelievable real problems. I just do not fit in. Anywhere. No. I do not feel sorry for myself. I loathe self pity. Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.


I felt so physically sick in class on Friday I came home and went to bed. I am still in bed. I have slept a lot these past few days. I am not sure if it is physical or emotional. I cannot separate the two feelings anymore. I just know I feel awful and the tears fall easy. As my personality test will summarize, I do not deal well with rejection and I wonder if I am at the forefront of my own rejection? I expect so much out of myself. Granted. I have had years of "being" rejected by those who were and/or said they loved me. I do not want to be angry. I do not want to feel hurt. I rather keep it moving. Wish I knew some Voodoo!


Someone told me I had a face where it was easy for another to trust enough to share. Someone told me I had a good sense of humor. Both statements made within three days by people from opposite ends of the spectrum. I appear dumbfounded. Me? Really? I know I can listen to and have compassion for but sense of humor? I am too freaking serious to be labeled as a person with a sense of humor.


I talked to her Friday morning. It was agreed upon that I may speak to her a few days a week before school. The sound of her sweet little shy voice warms my heart and fills my soul. God knows I miss her so much it hurts to the bottom of my soles. I do not understand grandparents who have long distance relationships with their grandchildren or no relationships at all.


We have had a whole lot of snow so far this winter that I am sick of wearing boots. I never thought I would ever be sick of wearing boots. But here we are! Tired. Burnt out. Worn out.