Complex

The folks at work have been really great. No one questions and hugs are given without words freely. It is nice to be accepted without question or condition. No judgments. No opinions. No gossip. Just acceptance and kindness. Would it not be a great world if everyone followed their lead?


The internet bashing impacted me negatively last night. It especially hurt because it was from someone whom I had always admired since a small child. I guess when things get tough you recognize the true self of people or lack there of. I forgave this person once. I doubt I will forgive again. Tonight, the bashing still leaves some residue of sad feelings. However, the impact is far less for there is one thing about me which rings true, I have a healthy sense of self.


I sent another letter and package out this afternoon. He sounds positive and focused. He is the type of person to give back which he has been given so freely. I know all the books will find their way to several others as well as the snacks because he has a good heart and shares his blessings. Many folks have burnt bridges and/or have no supports. He is blessed. I get about 60 seconds of phone time and my message is always the same. Be safe. Stay strong and focused. I love you.


I came across an article from a research expert of addiction from the University of Pa. He spoke about his broad knowledge of addiction but when it came to his two sons, he was lost. Both sons struggled with addiction and the younger one overdosed and died. Since his younger son's death five years ago, he has been on this journey which lead to a position within the cabinet of the current president whose main agenda is making sure health insurances provide coverage for mental health and addiction medicine. I found his story interesting and encouraging because like him I am not an addict but have been surrounded by addiction most of my life and though I perceive myself as an excellent counselor, I felt like a failure when addiction hit my own sons. I never imagined addiction hitting my family unit because neither myself or their father were addicts and we raised them to receive good educations, involved them in the boys' club where they excelled in soccer, baseball and basketball. We were attentive loving parents who took them on vacations and had a Monday Night Family Night where we played board games and cards. Their father and I were active ourselves. I played soccer until I was 17 years old and ran track in high school. I loved to ski, roller skate, ice skate and play tennis along with swimming and diving. Their father played baseball and hockey and coached them as kids. We taught our kids all these past times and we had a lot of fun and many laughs. 


We also taught them hard work.


I no longer blame myself for the choices an adult makes. I can teach. I can guide. I cannot fit.


I tell myself each and everyday that I will do the best I can with what I know and do it.


I will continue to do the best with what I know. I just have to keep moving forward. These days it is hard to do. One day I hope I can get that spark and determination back. It is gone for now, That frightens me because I have had lows before and at least felt refuge  in my work. Today, I do not even feel that. It feels as though a light went off and I do not care if it ever comes back on.