Spiritual Awakening

Something is happening to me. It is difficult to explain. It is a feeling unlike any other feeling I have ever experienced. It is deep within as though it begins at the very core of my sense of self. It is not sudden or some sort of Ah Ha moment. It is slow steady and growing. I cannot pin point the exact day or hour it began only that it happened weeks ago and it continues on this day. It felt like a tug a war in the beginning. I felt periods of extreme sadness and fear then moments of clarity and calmness. Most things became unimportant compared to the bigger picture at hand. Sensitivity to my surroundings increased and I found myself laughing more, slowing down and enjoying the little simple things in my daily existence. Overall, I am calmer. I have more patience. I feel kinder. I look at the sky and take in the clouds. The sun shines brighter. I notice the trees and flowers. I feel the rain and the wind. I stop and look at rainbows. I no longer feel afraid (at moments it creeps back in) though there is still much to fear. I am not sure what "happy" feels like but I feel more content almost peaceful.

I think I found faith. Somewhere along this journey, I began to turn things over to God. I do not know when or how it happened but I believe it has happened. I never thought about God much despite my catholic upbringing and then I discovered I was angry with him before I  began to reason with him then resourced to begging and pleading with him. Now, I just believe in him. I trust him. I know that things will be OK.  I am unsure of what OK looks like and I do not expect that I will never feel sad, worry or experience pain. I just believe things will find a way to be OK. Maybe in the end, we will all be OK.

Dreams

I was standing at a bus stop with a crowd of people. I remember several buses passed by before one stopped and let myself and the crowd of folks waiting with me on the bus. Before I sat in one of the back seats, someone handed me a very sad blond haired little girl and asked me to take care of her because her mother was in jail. I held the little girl in my arms and told her everything was going to be alright and I would take care of her. I held her close and tight. I remember my sister was trying to get to the back of the bus to get a seat next to me.


At that point I awoke and looked at the clock. It was 330a. I laid staring at the ceiling missing Ava. What did the dream represent? Who was the little girl? Ava? Myself?

Mother's Day 2014

Mother's Day 2014

My oldest son Shaun and his boys (my grandsons). I believe we all share those fabulous Gallagher Eyes.

Trying

Weekends are definitely a challenge. I wonder if I should get a weekend job? Despite every coping tool I know, I seem to fall into a depression when the weekend comes around. Today is Bill's birthday and we went to Longwood Gardens where we walked miles stopped for lunch then drove all through the Kennett Square area through Newtown Square, Radnor over to the Main Line then to Conshohocken and stopped for dessert and a drink before we came home. The entire day I felt as if I fought off a black cloud. A very low hanging black cloud which felt as if it followed me around. I really do not know what to do except feel my feelings and pray it passes with time.