Sunday, June 19, 2016

I have been feeling pretty lonely lately. Isolated in my thoughts, enjoying parts of daily living but living with a black cloud above my head. There is a shadow that seems to follow me through my days and though I want time to hurry up I also want it to slow down all at the same time. I have been reading a lot and playing too many computer games on my downtime away from work. Recently, I have been forcing myself to sit out on the balcony and drink my coffee as the dawn arises or have a glass of wine or a bottle of water in the evenings as the sun sets and the moon appears. I spend too much time in my bedroom. When I am busy at work, I never feel lonely. It is the weekends when that feeling creeps in. It is as though I am not comfortable with the stillness. Truth be told, I am probably not comfortable with my own thoughts. Being consumed with work means I do not have to think about personal things. I have been going back and forth about the house in Roxborough. I love that house and I have been away from that house for 5 years. I have been holding onto it thinking that one day I could go back that I could rise above the events that drove me away from it. I wonder if I can ever rise above the events that drove me away from it. In my heart I still think I can go back. In my mind I know one can never go back. The past is exactly that, "The past". I should sell the house because it bleeds me of money every single month. The thought of selling the house also overwhelms me. It is as though I need someone else to deal with that house.

I need to figure out how to really move on.

No comments: