Tuesday, October 11, 2016

No Title Required

After a night of disappointment , back pain, vomiting, bouts of insomnia and vivid nightmares I gave up on getting any sleep, washed my face and turned the coffee on to start my day. I learned a long time ago that though uncomfortable a lack of sleep will not kill me.

I debated on calling out sick to my employer until I remembered I had an assessment due on one patient while another patient needs a safe place to discharge to in Friday. Truth be told, I have not allowed myself to take a sick in a year. I made a promise to myself after all the times I sat in court for my son that I would not take a sick day from work unless it was absolutely physically impossible to go to work. I would force myself each and everyday to work despite any migraine headache, shoulder pain, depression, disappointment or lack of sleep because no physical ailment or emotional distress could compare to the loss and heartache of sitting in that court room day after day for three years for my son  and having Ava who I loved with my entire being removed suddenly and unexpectedly from my life  by her  mother. Honestly, no lack of sleep or physical ailment could ever compete with that emotional pain. Not to mention, all the should of, would of, could of thoughts and emotions of that time.

Nightmares. I still struggle with them from time to time. They do not come as often as they did in the past and they are usually parcipated by anticipation then disappointment of an expected event that did not come to pass or anything disturbing in the news. However, when the nightmares do come they are vivid and they are always about danger and looking for someone who is lost. Those dreams feel very real. When I awake, I feel shaken but regroup quickly especially when I call out for Bill and he puts his arms around me.

5am approaches and the coffee waits to be poured and I begin another day with thoughts of remaining humble and doing my best by those I encounter this day and offer hope, support and kindness while staying close to God and the Blessed Mother who I believe guides me and watches over me. 

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