Facing the Fear

There is a lot going on this week but for this moment I am taking some time to write as I am off from work today because I will be the Counselor on Site this weekend. I offered to cover another counselor who is off to his vacation in South America. I worked Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Easter and now I will work Mother's Day. My goal for today is to catch up on laundry and at least vacuum throughout the apartment.


One of my goals for 2017 was to address the house in Roxborough. I have been renting the house out since 2011 and though I have had the same tenant for the last six years I have come to the conclusion that I am not the landlord type. I really do not like dealing with late payments or bounced checks which has occurred more often than I cared for. I hate making repairs on a house I no longer reside and I had a realtor come into the house to appraise it and his suggestion was that I place the house up for sale at a 50,000 dollar loss and ask the tenant to leave because she had too much clutter and was hostile. The realtor told me that the best time to sell the house was between the months of March to June.  In late March I sent a certified letter to my tenant giving appropriate notice to vacate the property. We also changed our current lease from a yearly to monthly. Recently, my tenant contacted me asking for an extension in which I granted. I will not charge her for the extension even though she offered to pay a pro-rated rent. (Yep, I am not the landlord type). I am aware that I am really taking a risk that the house will remain on the market longer because the selling season will be at a close by the time I can place it up for sale. We decided that we would return to the house if we needed to while the house was up for sale as to avoid the financial burden of paying both a mortgage and a rent on a monthly basis. I will not know anything for sure until the house is vacated and I step inside for the first time in years. I am not 100% current I can return to a home I once loved but seen so much sorrow and tragedy. I will not know anything until I take that first step. I have made enormous progress working through my own emotions these last six years especially addressing the grief, loss, bouts of depression and PTSD. I have the occasional nightmare and there at times certain things trigger the intense anxiety and fear of loss inside me but I have learned how to use positive self-talk and coping thoughts and I have a wonderful support system in which I can turn to and when I have those intense feelings of fear and loss they pass within hours. It is time I face the last piece of the puzzle which is the house and neighborhood.