New Jersey State Aquarium

Bill and I took Aubree on her first trip to the Aquarium and I must say I have never seen a child so excited to see the wonders of the ocean. I have taken my other grandchildren to the Aquarium when they were younger and after a while they became bored. This was not the case with Aubree, she stood in absolute wonder and grabbed a hold of my hand while she pulled me from exhibit to exhibit as she said over and over again "More Mom  Mom".

The Black Dog

I struggle with Depression. I have struggled with Depression since my middle 30's. I take Zoloft and have been taking it for years. Before I started on Zoloft I took Paxil. I have only had one increase in the dosage since I began taking it. I went form 50 mg of Zoloft to 100mg of Zoloft when my life fell apart in 2011. I am still on that dosage. I have been to therapy which helped. I know all the textbook stuff because I practice the same techniques with my patients. I have a thorough understanding about Depression both as a therapist and a person who struggles with it. Lately, I have been having a difficult time. I first noticed an increase in depressive symptoms around Christmas and I spoke about these symptoms with my family doctor. She chalked it up to the holiday season, the increased stress at work and lack of winter sunshine and vitamin D. It all makes sense because all these things are true so I have been patiently waiting for the sun to shine, making sure I eat properly and practice self-care the best I can as it pertains to my job/profession. However, that damn "black dog" continues to hover over me and wants to swallow me up. It makes daily functioning difficult because I continuously feel sad and tired. It interferes with my sleep. It makes decisions almost impossible to make. Chemical imbalance, genetics, whatever, it is something that is very real to me.


But,


I never feel the symptoms when I am working. It does not interfere with my profession. I can be totally present when talking with my patients advocating for them with insurance companies or probation officers and all other manner of things as it pertains to them. I do not miss days at work and it is almost as though I can put all those symptoms aside during the duration of the work day. This is weird to me. Nighttime is hard for me and weekends can be hell unless I am occupied with my grandchildren. But to be alone in the house without structure is almost unbearable. Maybe, it gives me time to think about how upside down my family life has becomes? Maybe, it is not accepting how my life has changed? Maybe, it is because I am having a difficult time letting go of the Roxborough House. I loved that house with all its charm. I have been holding onto it for six years even though I have not lived in it in six years. Sometimes, I romanticize that I can go back. But we really can never go back can we? Going back there is not going to bring Joey or Ava back or take away the events that forced me out of there in the first place. Going back is not going to make everything better. Maybe financially but that is probably about it. It would be so much cheaper to live in a house I already own verses all this renting and spending weekends in Cape May at another house we own.


I am getting older. I would like to retire someday. That retirement cannot happen until I get all these ducks in a row. I have to be on better financial ground and I have to address the issues with that house while considering moving from here when the lease is up to another place further out in Montgomery County with more space. I want to be settled in a home, and especially within my own mind. I do not struggle with Depression because I have issues to work out in my life. It is the struggle with Depression that makes addressing those issues even harder or sometimes impossible. I envy folks who do not have to struggle with Depression and can make decisions easily and do not have the "black dog" hovering over them with fear and indecisiveness.

One Season to Another

I never use to decorate the kitchen and bathroom for holidays however this past year I find myself decorating for every holiday though I did bypass St Patty's Day decorations and headed right into Easter. This is a tradition I started with my youngest grandchild and I find I get so much enjoyment decorating with her and watching her excitement through those young blue eyes.

Christmas

Valentine's Day

Easter

Life

 Aubree

 Nikolas fractured his ankle.

Pig Tails

 Hanging out.

 Back Pig Tail View

 Snow Bunny

Cuddle Time with Daddy

 My Favorite Guy

She looks mad.

 Watching Nursery Rhymes

Shaun jumping up for a shot during his Basketball game. How do I have a 15yr old Grandson?

She will always be "My Princess". One of my favorite pictures of Ava at her second birthday.

Sometimes.

The weekend Aubree and I were sick and cuddled on the floor together.

 Family and Flowers.

 February Birthdays

Pop Pop Time

She and I

 She insisted I wear these shoes with my sweat pants to do the laundry. She decided to wear the red to help me.

Trying to sneak out during a thunder storm.

The best part of having a granddaughter.

Lenten Season

There are two things I decided to do for Lent this year. Give up Facebook with the exception of Sundays (I heard Catholics get an off day for Sunday) and to pray the rosary everyday. The rosary is my favorite way to pray and the Blessed Mother is who I hold deeply within my heart. It maybe I learned to pray to the Blessed Mother by my own grandparents. My grandfather prayed to her on a daily basis and my grandmother prayed the rosary twice a day on her knees at 10a then again at 3p. I knew I could not interrupt my grandmother during those two times because to pray the rosary was a priority to her and we as her family respected that. My grandparents had an alter in their home where they prayed and when my grandmother died after a two year battle with Lymphoma, she was laid out in church and she looked beautiful for a person who suffered with cancer. I recall the priest kneeling several times at her casket and the funeral mass was filled with visiting priests and nuns.


Or maybe I favor the rosary and the Blessed Mother because I am a mother myself who has agonized over her own children.


I do not know anyone who has had the same struggles with their kids as I had. I am sure they exist however I do not know any and that fact itself is difficult because it makes one feel very alone and there is so much effort in appearing "normal" which is pretty exhausting.


Giving up Facebook is harder than I thought. I guess I will be doing a lot of writing on this site, reading or other such hobbies. Reframing from checking up on friends via Facebook is going to be a challenge not to mention the few games I enjoy playing. This will be a test in self-discipline. A real test in self-discipline.


I am hoping I come away from this Lenten Season more spiritually grounded and perhaps a bit calmer within.


In the meantime, this is my treatment team at work on the day they brought me Girl Scout Cookies and sang Happy Birthday. I am 57 this year. Ten years until I retire.