Saturday, May 23, 2015
The Three Eldest of Five Siblings
Picture order is Pat, Michael and Marianne. Birth order is Michael, Pat and Marianne.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Life
My life is not your life. What I have been through, you have not been through. Nothing is normal though I try to normalize it. Normalizes it does not make it better. It makes it survivable. The pain remains. Every time I see a picture of "someone else's family" standing together with smiles on their faces celebrating life events, a pain pierces my heart and travels inward to my soul. I always wanted that kind of family. I always expected I would have that kind of family. I do not have that kind of family. That last statement is the most difficult part to live with.
No one sees the hurt because I will not allow the hurt to show however make no mistake, it is still present. The only difference is how heavy it maybe on any given day. The worst part is I cannot talk to anyone about it. There are no support groups for this.
So I find my solace in other ways. I escape to my shore house because the birds sing in the early mornings. I can drink my coffee and look out the window over the wet lands and the wild life the wet lands bring. I can inhale the sweet salt air and place my toes in the soft feel of the sand. I can dream of a life that used to exist.
No one sees the hurt because I will not allow the hurt to show however make no mistake, it is still present. The only difference is how heavy it maybe on any given day. The worst part is I cannot talk to anyone about it. There are no support groups for this.
So I find my solace in other ways. I escape to my shore house because the birds sing in the early mornings. I can drink my coffee and look out the window over the wet lands and the wild life the wet lands bring. I can inhale the sweet salt air and place my toes in the soft feel of the sand. I can dream of a life that used to exist.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Happy Mother's Day
It has been a very pleasant Mother's Day so far starting with coffee this morning with my sister at my shore house then a wonderfully cooked breakfast from Bill, three phone calls and text messages from my sons, spoke to my mom via FB as she is in route home from California, FB posts from my niece Nicole and text messages from my other niece Chrissy.
This is my second year in Cape May. It is a wonderful place to escape on weekends and the last two weekends we have been busy opening up the house. I figure we need one more weekend and it will be cleaned and organized inside and out for the remainder of the spring, summer and into the fall months. We have a new sofa and gas grill. We have been looking for a comfy chair and new end/coffee table/s. We replaced the outside screen room furniture cushions and repaired a hole in the siding where a critter most likely (raccoon) came to seek the warmth under the house during the cold winter months. He has been officially evicted!
As a mother who has been challenged in all things (mother) the last few years can honestly sit here today and say all three are OK at this moment. Shaun is in a new relationship. Joshua is a new father of a little girl. Joseph has completed a TC Program and has recently been hired as an Addiction Peer Counselor. All three appear OK with the world today and for that reason alone, I am grateful. It has not been easy. As a matter of fact, It was awful.
However, I am going to stay in the day and be blessed.
This is my second year in Cape May. It is a wonderful place to escape on weekends and the last two weekends we have been busy opening up the house. I figure we need one more weekend and it will be cleaned and organized inside and out for the remainder of the spring, summer and into the fall months. We have a new sofa and gas grill. We have been looking for a comfy chair and new end/coffee table/s. We replaced the outside screen room furniture cushions and repaired a hole in the siding where a critter most likely (raccoon) came to seek the warmth under the house during the cold winter months. He has been officially evicted!
As a mother who has been challenged in all things (mother) the last few years can honestly sit here today and say all three are OK at this moment. Shaun is in a new relationship. Joshua is a new father of a little girl. Joseph has completed a TC Program and has recently been hired as an Addiction Peer Counselor. All three appear OK with the world today and for that reason alone, I am grateful. It has not been easy. As a matter of fact, It was awful.
However, I am going to stay in the day and be blessed.
Friday, May 08, 2015
Uncle Jack
Passed away yesterday May 7, 2015 from a form of blood cancer that also took his mother (my grandmother in 1990, and his brother (my uncle in 1996). Uncle Jack was an amazing man and I want to take this opportunity to share an earlier post I wrote and was published.
http://ajourneyintothepast.blogspot.com/2006/02/john-patrick-gallagher-aka-uncle-jack.html
http://ajourneyintothepast.blogspot.com/2006/02/john-patrick-gallagher-aka-uncle-jack.html
Saturday, May 02, 2015
A Letter to Ava
Dear Ava,
Today is a very special day for you as you will make your First Holy Communion. I may not be there in person but I am there in spirit as thoughts of you are at the most forefront of my mind and forever tucked within my heart. I wish I could explain to you the reason I am not with you today and I know by the time you read this letter you will already know and hopefully understand why I was not permitted to see you on the day you passed a major milestone in your life. Sometimes there are situations which occur that are beyond our control and we can only play the cards we are dealt the best way we know how. Sometimes those cards are a challenge to play however what is most important is you continue to play them and never give up the Hope that something will be better. That is how I have chosen to live my life. I believe in Hope and I have Faith in God that everything will find a way to work out.
Hold on to God, Jesus and the Blessed Mother, my precious Ava, as they will bring guidance and peace all the days of your life. I especially pray to our Blessed Mother and I keep a blue crystal rosary by my bed. The Blessed Mother brings me peace as I know she watches over me as well as watches over your Dad. I believe most people are good and though mistakes are made I believe if a person has the foundation of good within them that goodness will surface and that person will find themselves on the road in which they are suppose to travel. You have a good mother, Ava and I know she makes the best decisions possible with your well-being in mind. I do not doubt that for a moment. Her decision to exclude your Dad's side of the family on this most special of days is something she believes is in your best interest so even if you or I do not understand that is ok because the intention was good. I hope you grow up to have understanding, tolerance and love towards others. Judgment is never a good thing as people do the best that they can with what they know. The Ava I remember was four years old with the shyness of smiles and so very sweet and kind with a strong determined personality. She loved to wear "Girl Skirts" as she would refer to them and carried a doll she called "sissy". She stood on a chair and helped me cut strawberries and danced to the popcorn popping in the microwave. She loved to have a "tea party" and play "princess". She could keep up with her older male cousins when it came to swings, sliding boards and monkey bars. She loved to color and draw and read books. She loved to swim and she loved her "Mom Mom".
I am going to close this letter now because I am crying. Sometimes I miss you so much I feel like my heart actually hurts. I love you Ava. I love you very much. Please know that.
Mom Mom
Today is a very special day for you as you will make your First Holy Communion. I may not be there in person but I am there in spirit as thoughts of you are at the most forefront of my mind and forever tucked within my heart. I wish I could explain to you the reason I am not with you today and I know by the time you read this letter you will already know and hopefully understand why I was not permitted to see you on the day you passed a major milestone in your life. Sometimes there are situations which occur that are beyond our control and we can only play the cards we are dealt the best way we know how. Sometimes those cards are a challenge to play however what is most important is you continue to play them and never give up the Hope that something will be better. That is how I have chosen to live my life. I believe in Hope and I have Faith in God that everything will find a way to work out.
Hold on to God, Jesus and the Blessed Mother, my precious Ava, as they will bring guidance and peace all the days of your life. I especially pray to our Blessed Mother and I keep a blue crystal rosary by my bed. The Blessed Mother brings me peace as I know she watches over me as well as watches over your Dad. I believe most people are good and though mistakes are made I believe if a person has the foundation of good within them that goodness will surface and that person will find themselves on the road in which they are suppose to travel. You have a good mother, Ava and I know she makes the best decisions possible with your well-being in mind. I do not doubt that for a moment. Her decision to exclude your Dad's side of the family on this most special of days is something she believes is in your best interest so even if you or I do not understand that is ok because the intention was good. I hope you grow up to have understanding, tolerance and love towards others. Judgment is never a good thing as people do the best that they can with what they know. The Ava I remember was four years old with the shyness of smiles and so very sweet and kind with a strong determined personality. She loved to wear "Girl Skirts" as she would refer to them and carried a doll she called "sissy". She stood on a chair and helped me cut strawberries and danced to the popcorn popping in the microwave. She loved to have a "tea party" and play "princess". She could keep up with her older male cousins when it came to swings, sliding boards and monkey bars. She loved to color and draw and read books. She loved to swim and she loved her "Mom Mom".
I am going to close this letter now because I am crying. Sometimes I miss you so much I feel like my heart actually hurts. I love you Ava. I love you very much. Please know that.
Mom Mom
Friday, May 01, 2015
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Time Goes By
The trip to Florida was wonderful and the wedding was beautiful. I really loved the relaxed feel of the beach wedding where there were no formalities. As Matron of Honor, I took Missy for a manicure, pedicure and hair appointment. Of course I helped her dress and it felt great to feel "a part of something special". I do not remember the last time I felt that way and it felt really good. I love the west coast of Florida especially the small town of Dunedin. Now I am home after a five day trip and getting ready to transition back to work tomorrow.
Today, I did the laundry including some ironing. I started a new book "The Murder of Jim Fisk" by H.W. Brands after completing the book "Fab, The Life of Paul McCartney" by Howard Sounes while on the return flight home.
I spoke to my son today and he is back to his regular routine attending classes. He sounds well.
I was invited to my niece's son's Holy Communion this Saturday however I declined the invitation as it is my granddaughter's Holy Communion as well though at a different church in a different county in which I was not invited so I opted to spend the day opening my shore house as I know the day will be emotionally painful for me despite my best plans. I could not bring myself to attend someone else's First Holy Communion with the knowledge that my own granddaughter is also making hers on the very same day. I have cards to send and though my family told me to "just show up" at the church, I do not believe that would be in the best interest of the little girl as it should be a happy stressed free day. I guess I could be an onlooker from afar though there are two masses being held that day. My first granddaughter is making her First Holy Communion and I will not be a part of it. I do not know what could feel worst except maybe the fact I do not see her neither. Part of me feels weird even sending a card then I asked myself "Why not?" as she is my flesh and blood no matter what.
I will just have to continue counting the years and hoping I am still alive when she comes of age. If not, I certainly hope she remembers how much I loved and adored her. If she does not remember then I hope she comes across this blog so she could read it for herself. On Saturday, I am going to write a letter to her and post it here for her Communion.
Speaking of granddaughters, Aubree is now four months old and is starting to use her hands to grab onto things and babbles away in her baby language. Her hair is darker than I thought it would be as it is a light brown though I wonder if it will be lighter as the summer months approach. Her eyes are still very blue which means I have three blue eyed grandchildren and one green eyed grandchild. Of course, she is long and will probably be a tall girl as both her parents are tall at 5"10" and 6"2" respectably.
My oldest grandson will be graduating from 8th grade in June and is getting ready for his 8th grade dance. Seriously. How did he get so old?
My youngest grandson will be finishing up the 5th grade and off to middle school in September.
Time does go by quickly.
Today, I did the laundry including some ironing. I started a new book "The Murder of Jim Fisk" by H.W. Brands after completing the book "Fab, The Life of Paul McCartney" by Howard Sounes while on the return flight home.
I spoke to my son today and he is back to his regular routine attending classes. He sounds well.
I was invited to my niece's son's Holy Communion this Saturday however I declined the invitation as it is my granddaughter's Holy Communion as well though at a different church in a different county in which I was not invited so I opted to spend the day opening my shore house as I know the day will be emotionally painful for me despite my best plans. I could not bring myself to attend someone else's First Holy Communion with the knowledge that my own granddaughter is also making hers on the very same day. I have cards to send and though my family told me to "just show up" at the church, I do not believe that would be in the best interest of the little girl as it should be a happy stressed free day. I guess I could be an onlooker from afar though there are two masses being held that day. My first granddaughter is making her First Holy Communion and I will not be a part of it. I do not know what could feel worst except maybe the fact I do not see her neither. Part of me feels weird even sending a card then I asked myself "Why not?" as she is my flesh and blood no matter what.
I will just have to continue counting the years and hoping I am still alive when she comes of age. If not, I certainly hope she remembers how much I loved and adored her. If she does not remember then I hope she comes across this blog so she could read it for herself. On Saturday, I am going to write a letter to her and post it here for her Communion.
Speaking of granddaughters, Aubree is now four months old and is starting to use her hands to grab onto things and babbles away in her baby language. Her hair is darker than I thought it would be as it is a light brown though I wonder if it will be lighter as the summer months approach. Her eyes are still very blue which means I have three blue eyed grandchildren and one green eyed grandchild. Of course, she is long and will probably be a tall girl as both her parents are tall at 5"10" and 6"2" respectably.
My oldest grandson will be graduating from 8th grade in June and is getting ready for his 8th grade dance. Seriously. How did he get so old?
My youngest grandson will be finishing up the 5th grade and off to middle school in September.
Time does go by quickly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)