Saturday, February 17, 2018

I never seem to find quiet time to write, I have so many photos to upload and I can never seem to find the time. Daily life is busy sometimes hectic and the work that I do can be mentally exhausting. You would think that I would make a point to write as writing thoughts and feelings is a positive way of addressing stress. That being said, here I am writing this early morning Saturday as the dawn is breaking and the house is quiet. As everyone is aware, the Eagles won the Super Bowl, How great is that? I had a dinner to celebrate Shaun and Rita's marriage and I believe it was an enjoyable time for all. I celebrated another birthday. I spend a lot of time with my granddaughter Aubree who is a hand full at times these days. She definitely has a mind of her own and she is not afraid to use it. Lately, she is into Barbie's. I made reservations to spend Easter Vacation in New York with the grandsons. We plan to spend a few days in NYC and Oyster Bay so we will split our time in two different hotels. There is so much to see in NYC so we need to come up with a plan and narrow it down to what we want to visit. I asked Shaun and Nikolas to let me know what they wanted to see in NYC. This will be their first trip to New York. Easter Vacation appears to be the best time to travel with the boys because it does not interfere with school or their many commitments in sports. Two years ago we went to Canada and prior to that we have traveled to Washington DC and even Ireland over Easter Vacation. Last year I worked on Easter so we did not travel that week. I know I have mentioned this in the past posts, I love to travel with grandchildren as they get to experience new things and I love watching them explore and learn and it is so much fun. At 16y and a junior in High School, I am glad my oldest grandson still likes to travel with me. I need to sign off as I hear a small voice outside my closed bedroom door. It appears the princess has woken.

Sunday, February 04, 2018

Thoughts

I really like taking my dog on long early morning walks, The physical exercise is great not to mention the time to clear my thoughts and get in touch with my feelings. I love being a grandmother. I get so much joy out of spending time with my grandchildren. I do not see the older grandchildren as often as I would like. They are busy with school, sports and their friends. Next Saturday I will see the boys when I host a dinner for Shaun and Rita to celebrate their December 23rd wedding. It was one of the best Christmas gifts I could have received when they came over for Christmas and presented their marriage certificate. The dinner will be a simple affair for immediate family as per their request. Shaun and Rita are low keyed folks who do not want a lot of fuss.


Aubree spends a lot of time with me. She is still a preschooler so she is not yet involved in a host of activities. This past weekend we spent time together watching Moana, Sing, Trolls, reading Sleepy Time Bear and putting together Peppa Pig Puzzles. One of her favorite activities is playing dress up in princess costumes so when we watched Moana she was dressed as Moana,


I have had minimal contact with my brother Michael since the Christmas Day episode. I am not proud to say I have a difficult time forgiving and forgetting. I will probably eventually forgive but I know I will never forget just as I will never forget that the other family members on that group text remained silent. Silence speaks volumes. I really think I am getting to a point in my life that I have no desire to surround myself with people who are not in my corner. Loyalty means a lot to me.


On those long walks I often think of Ava, the grandchild I lost. I had the same relationship with Ava as I have with Aubree. Ava's loss has changed me. I fear losing Aubree even though I have no reason to have such fears.   


Joey's loss has changed me. I am more reserved and withdrawn. I do not sit around in a state of depression and I do associate with people but inside my heart I am somewhat closed off. I do not allow others inside. I keep most of my thoughts and feelings tucked away.


These are the things I think about on those long walks with my dog. I also think about my next travel adventure and whether or not I want to keep the shore house after this upcoming summer or sign it over to my son Shaun. The house is paid off but I have 5,000 dollars in yearly dues in the community and I often wonder if I rather spend that money on travel instead. The shore house has been a great weekend escape. But in reality I am not much of a beach person. I rather spend my time experiencing new sights and cultures. It is not a decision I need to make at this time. I do not even know if Shaun would be interested in taking over the house. It is an expense.


One of the places I want to travel to in the near future is London. I also want to travel back to Ireland rent a car and go up to Belfast and take the ferry over to Scotland. I am also looking into a trip to Miami renting a car and seeing the everglades and perhaps go to Key Largo. I have already seen Key West. That was a fun trip.


I have plans. I am currently researching my options. I never travel to a place until I do my research first. That being said, it is Super Bowl Sunday. Go Eagles!

Thursday, December 28, 2017

The Going On's


I had CPR Re-Certification Training this morning. It is a requirement of work so every two years I attend a re-certification class. Honestly, I doubt I would ever use it. The one and only time I did CPR on someone that someone died anyway and I was left to cast doubts on my ability to do CPR correctly. I have spent the last seven years questioning if I did it right or if I made matters worse. Every time I take this class I am flooded with memories of that night. The screams and the cries of the adults in the room as I did compressions on that tiny chest as he laid upon the floor.. I think about his age and the age he would be today if he had survived.


I went back to work on the 18th and though I was exhausted that first work and had some muscle pain, I have been free of nerve pain. I am so grateful that the surgery worked for me as I almost did not go through with it after hearing so many horror stories of people who went through spinal surgery. It seems a lot of spinal surgeries do not work out as successful as my own.


I had a combination family Christmas party and 3rd birthday party for Aubree on the 23rd and it turned out wonderfully. I was suppose to go to my niece's house on Christmas Day but I never made it there. My brother was drunk (again) and when he drinks he becomes mean. Christmas Day he sent messages via group text of hatred and in typical family denial fashion, his drinking and subsequent inappropriate behavior was swept under the carpet and no one said a word besides myself and   that just made him meaner. By the end I was too emotionally exhausted to anything on Christmas Day.
I doubt I will be having any further conversations with him. There was a time I could tolerate his behavior but as I have grown older I just do not have any more tolerance for it. He needs to apologize and I'm sure hell will need to freeze over before he does that.


I have a bunch of pictures to upload and I am sure I will probably get around to doing it this weekend. Since my return back to work, things have been hectic. The patient turnover has been intense and for the first time since I have been counseling inpatients I wondered if it was time to switch over to counseling outpatients. I hope things settle down after the holidays. I also crate trained my dog so now I take him for a 30min walk before I leave for work then stop home in the middle of the day to walk him again before placing him back in his crate and returning to work until after the work day is finished and he can then run the house free. I believe the crate with a bark blanket on top helps soothe his separation anxiety. The crate has his dog bed and toys and is in the family room downstairs. He seems to feel safe and secure in the crate.He can no longer run the house crying and looking for me then howling as to disturb the neighbors. 

Friday, December 15, 2017

Books

I just started a new book called "The Three Lives of James Madison" by Noah Feldman. At this rate I may be reading through each and every president. Well maybe. Anyway, I just finished a three book series on Eleanor of Aquitaine by Elizabeth Chadwick. The first book in the series was called "The Summer Queen" followed by "The Winter Queen" and ended with "The Autumn Queen". The book began with the marriage of Eleanor to King Louie of France after the death of her father. After fifteen years of marriage and two daughters, King Louie annulled his marriage to Eleanor because she did not give him a son and heir. She went onto marrying Henry, Count of Anjou and Duke of Normandy who became King of England and they would have eight children within thirteen years of which five were sons and three were daughters. King Louie of France was not too happy that she gave King Henry five sons. Three of these five sons would go on to be King of England ; Henry, Richard the Lionhearted and John. Prior to the books on Eleanor I finished a book called "The Hidden Lives of Tudor Women" by Elizabeth Norton.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Aubree's Bounce U Kiddie Birthday Party




                                                






 Aubree with her parents Lynee and Josh.



















Nikolas's 13th Birthday Party





 Bill & I with our grandchildren.
 Shaun, Shaun, Nikolas, Raina, Rita


Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Gratitude

While saying my prayers last night, I remembered a promise I made to the Blessed Virgin years ago when we were in the middle of all the chaos. I remember praying (begging) to the Blessed Mother and asking her to watch over my son Joe and his daughter Ava. I remember telling her that I did not care how much pain I felt inside as long as my son and granddaughter were ok. Last night while I was praying I took the time to thank our Blessed Mother and expressed my gratitude because she kept her side of the bargain. Despite the pain I felt inside, my son and granddaughter are doing ok. My son is working everyday as a counselor and doing a ton of work on self. Instead of  learning to be a better criminal he is becoming a better person. He takes classes, works out, plays on a soft ball team, reads a lot of books and works everyday giving back to those less fortunate and who do not have the same supportive family as he. My granddaughter received all A's on her report card and she is involved in gymnastics and plays basketball. She is happy and well adjusted. Her parents remain on good terms.


In all reality, I need not complain about my struggle with depression or express how much I miss my loved ones this Christmas Season because they are both ok. Today, I am grateful.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Catch Up

Six days before I return to work. I suppose it is bittersweet as I have enjoyed my time away from work but at the same time work in of itself is good for me because of my ongoing battle with depression. Staying busy and out of my own head and thoughts is always good. I often wonder if I battle depression because I overthink and to overthink is a sign of intelligence or so I was taught. The double edge sword! It really does not matter what the reason only that it is ongoing and a battle. It does not help that it is the Christmas Season with all its expectations and when memories of the past pop up they can be painful. It is also another reminder that it will be another Christmas without my son Joe and my granddaughter Ava. As much as my granddaughter Aubree fills my heart with joy and love, I miss Ava terribly.


I have several pictures to upload from Nikolas's birthday party and Aubree's Bounce Up Kiddie Birthday party. I am sure there are other pictures to be uploaded as well. Hopefully, I will get them uploaded to this site before I return to work. There is a lot to do this week. I need to take the dog to the groomer, keep a doctor's appointment and have tickets to take my granddaughter Aubree to the Nutcracker Ballet in town on Friday. I would like to get my hair and nails done as well however those things could probably wait until next week though I have to prepare for a family Christmas party I will host on the 23rd.


All these things I have to do and I do not feel like doing anything. The house is decorated for Christmas except for the bathroom which is on my agenda for today if I can get out of this chair. Bill received the results of the second DNA test and as expected it was once again negative and  the girl is not his daughter. It saddens me to think this girl has spent thirty years without knowledge of her father. I want to embrace her. Maybe I can feel her pain because I grew up without my own biological father. It leaves a scar no matter how happy a childhood one has had. And it is not just the loss of your father but the loss of that entire side of the family. You grow up never really knowing who you are and where you belong. You can be in a house full of people and still feel alone. Nicole is in my thoughts today.