Sunday, October 08, 2017

God's Plan

I believe that where we are at is exactly where we are suppose to be at even if we do not understand God's plan. I guess that is why my new patient has landed at my door step. I could feel and understand her pain as a mother with a son who is incarcerated. When you lose a child to prison you grieve the lost of their future and how you always thought things should be. When a mother loses a child to death, people flock towards her with offers of comfort and support. When a mother loses a child to prison, people avoid her and judge her. It makes for a very lonely existence because old friends leave you and you avoid telling new friends about your child for fear of them leaving too.

All those years back and forth in court from arrest to conviction. Each court date feels like you have aged a little more, and your nerves are frayed just a bit more. You avoid the news for fear you will see your child's mug shot and the judgmental comments from folks who have no idea what kind of person you are. All the while you cannot wrap your head around what has happened, how one night has changed your entire life.

You blame yourself with the what if could of and should of.

After the conviction and sentence, you try to remain strong for your child and their siblings because if the mother falls apart everyone else falls apart and you want to keep everyone moving forward because the pain you feel as the mother, the siblings feel as the brothers and the one convicted is thrown into a life he never experienced or imagined before. You tell him he has a choice to make the most out of the opportunities presented to him and become a better person or  he involves self in the riff raft and become a better criminal. Thankfully, he made the choice to embrace the opportunities.

My patient's son did not make the same choice and has spent more time in trouble and in the hole and as a result probably increased his time incarcerated. She turned to drugs to cope which exacerbates the situation. She has prolonged her grief and pain.

I am not stating that the grief and pain goes away completely but it does lessen and you can move forward. Grant it, your entire existence changes and you cannot help but view the world differently.

You do not want to feel jaded or angry though at times it surfaces and you realize you have some more work to do. You learn to appreciate things more and you stop taking those you love for granted. You always fear that something tragic could occur again and you could once again lose people you love dearly. You especially fear losing another grandchild as you did with your oldest granddaughter when her mother took her out of your life which made you not only grieve the lost of your son but of his daughter too.

I understand my patient's pain more than she will ever know and I will help her learn to cope with her grief and loss and reaffirm to her it is not her fault because children become adults and are solely responsible for the choices they make.

I believe that where we are at is exactly where we are suppose to be at because God has a plan. Over these last few years, God has allowed me a window to view part of his plan.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

The Grace of Aging.

I went to the neurosurgeon last Thursday and it appears I will need to have spinal surgery. I have been in constant chronic pain more than three months that prompted an Urgent Care Visit, X-Rays, a Primary Care Visit, MRI then Neurosurgeon. I have five herniated lumbar discs however it is only the L5-S1 that is creating issues for me. The herniation resulted in the disc laying on a spinal nerve which prompts sciatic pain down through my buttocks to my foot, The pain in my buttocks and right below my knee are the most severe. I cannot stand for more than a few moments without pain or weakness or numbness in my leg. Walking short distances is ok. Sitting is ok. Trying to sleep at night is horrendous. I have not missed any time from work. I suppose my sense of responsibility supersedes my pain. I never had an accident that could have prompted all this so it appears genetic.

When did I become old?

That was the question I pondered last night as I sat around the fire pit in our back yard. I used to have so much energy and I was so active. I first felt I aged right after I experienced all that stress with Joey's issues. I would be lying if I said it did not affect me. By the end, I felt so tired emotionally and physically from trying to hold it altogether that when it was over I felt so much older. I slowed down significantly hence forth. I was forced to accept my new norm in life. Things would never be the same for me. I would always view life through new lenses whether I liked it or not. Loss would be a term I would have to be comfortable with. I would also have to come to terms with the fact that most people would never understand what this loss felt like or how much of a challenge it would be to keep moving forward despite it. That being said I am pretty tenacious, and I know how to persevere, be persistent and have patience. I also know how to find the positive and I have faith in God.

Who else but God knew the gift of Aubree at that same time would be the hope and joy we all needed. My faith in God and that little girl has sustained me.

I am not sure what the future has in stored for me. I suppose I will find out tomorrow when I will have surgery and once I know I will need to get my responsibilities at work and home organized. I hope for a speedy recovery as I plan to work fulltime for the next ten years.


Monday, September 04, 2017

August Summer Fun

Celebrating Shaun's 16th Birthday and Raina's 14th Birthday

Shaun's First High School Football Game of the Season. "Ridley beat Father Judge". Shaun is #46
Cape May Family Dinner Night and Camp Fire

Family Fishing Trip

This and That