Monday, February 20, 2017

I really do not want to be caught up into anyone else's drama anymore. I live my life as a responsible productive member of society who tries to make the right decisions, considers herself compassionate and caring and does not deserve disrespect. I have a good husband. I have a job that I love. At this stage of my life I really do not need to get drugged into someone else's shit. I cannot fix anyone. If someone does not want better for themselves, there is nothing I can do. I cannot stop someone from envy or jealousy though I do not understand the rationale. And I will never ever understand the selfishness.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

No Title Required

Birthdays are important to me and I make every effort to make them special for myself as well as for others so why do I feel so let down in regards to my 57th birthday that just passed on the 14th of this month? I arranged for a weekend in New York City with my mom and sister and we stayed at the Belvedere in Times Square, visited the Museum of Natural History, took a carriage tour of Central Park, had an amazing dinner at an amazing restaurant, went for massages, visited the 9/11 museum and Ground Zero, visited three Catholic Churches where I lit candles and prayed for my family especially my grandchildren and children, purchased a beautiful Blessed Mother Statue, a pair of rosary beads for my granddaughter Aubree and three sets of Our Lady of Fatima Rosaries for my mother, sister and I so we can hang them in our own cars and as a reminder of our time together in New York. We knelt and held hands and prayed together in the hotel room. We had lots of laughs especially when my sister took my mother and I to the Sex Museum.

Going back to the original question on why I felt so let down almost seems ridiculous and petty as I should be grateful that I had such an amazing weekend with my sister and mother. But it is not about my sister or mother but about my own shit. My youngest son sent me a beautiful card and all three boys did call me. My oldest grandson even wished me a Happy Birthday! Is it because two of my boys did not send me a card? Is it because Bill invited my middle son to come over to sing Happy Birthday this Saturday night  and received resistance and excuses? Is it because I told Bill to "forget it" in regards to calling my oldest son with the same invite? Is it because I "always" have that same reaction when I think someone believes I am worth the effort and I rather feel hurt than say how I am disappointed to avoid conflict and keep the peace? In all reality, I should have had the attitude "who cares what my middle son does" and had Bill invite my oldest son anyway.

Then I ask myself, should I be worth the effort? I believe the answer should be "yes". I should not always have to ask. Maybe I would like someone else to make the effort. Sort of like "Hey Mom, it is your birthday so we are going to stop over with kid/s to see you". I do not need cakes or gifts but I do need time and I do need to feel special.

So today on my day off from work and before I gear up to be the counselor on site this weekend, I am going to do what makes me feel good today whether it is getting paperwork ready for the taxes or cleaning up and begin decorating for Easter or just writing on this blog or reading, I am going to focus on myself today and try and put things into prospective because I know this is my own shit therefore it is up to me to fix my own shit.

Sunday, February 05, 2017

What a fun weekend. I will never get tired of traveling with my grandchildren. The time together creating memories and experiencing adventures and new things is amazing. If you have never viewed the world through younger eyes you do not know of the joy you miss. This weekend to the mountains included Aubree, my youngest grandchild. It was the first time she traveled on a trip with myself, Bill and the boys. She has gone down to the shore house a few times, but she has never experienced " a trip where she was included with the other grandchildren. I was not sure how they would all make out due to the age differences so I was pleasantly surprised at how good the boys were with her. Shaun helping her with her coat and putting her into the car seat to carrying her around to keeping an eye on her that she did not get into mischief. Nikolas watching children shows on his I-Pad with her as they sat on the roll away bed or sofa together. The weekend to Lake Harmony was planned a few months back at the suggestion of my sister Marianne who wanted to celebrate her son Gregory's 21st birthday in the mountains. Since Marianne sold her Arrowhead Lake house last year, she decided to rent a house big enough for her entire family in Lake Harmony. I had thoughts of doing the same however my boys were unable to go so I rented a suite at Split Rock which was a seven minute ride from where Marianne was staying. My parents also rented a suite at Split Rock. And to the horror of my grandchildren I took lots of pictures something they will thank me for later when I am long gone from this world.

                                                February 3rd = beginning of our road trip.

               Birthday Dinner and Celebration which included lots of family fun and laughter.

This is Us
Starting from left to right with the (first row) Sophia, Joe, Christopher, Ron, (Second Row) Nikolas, Marianne with her arm on Collin, Gregory, Mom, Myself holding Aubree, Dad, (Third row) Shaun, Joseph, Chrissy, Nicole, Antonia and Bill

                When we arrived at our suite in Split Rock, someone had to try out the Hot Tub.

Morning of February 4th = one very active two year old, one sleepy 15yr old and another sleepy 12yr old.

                                 Time to explore the resort and have a little breakfast.

                                                             Indoor Water Park Time

                             Waiting for Pop Pop to pull up in the jeep so we can head out to dinner.

Dinner at Shenanigan's where one grandson orders Filet Mignon and the other grandson orders Crab Cakes. Good thing the granddaughter is still getting a Kid's meal. I had the Guinness Pot Roast and Bill had the Pasta with a Vodka Sauce. Everyone enjoyed their meals.

February 5th = cartoon watching then checking out and exploring Lake Harmony before stopping for breakfast at Cracker Barrel.

Last but not least singing and dancing "Do you love me" in route to home from the mountains via jeep and embarrassing your 15yr old grandson.

And as full as my heart was spending these precious days making memories with these wonderful kids, there were moments when I could feel that empty spot in my heart for Ava. She is missing out on the memories and her cousins. That makes me feel sad for all the kids.