Friday, June 09, 2017

Ten Years Old Today

I cannot believe you celebrated your 10th birthday today. I cannot believe it has been six years since I last saw you. You have been on my mind all day and I have come to believe it will never get easier this separation between us.  I look at your picture and I feel as though I do not know this girl. The girl I knew was small with curly strawberry blond hair and green eyes though some said they were blue. I say they were green. The girl I knew had a favorite doll named "sissy" and loved to draw and color. I remember the books I read to you and how we danced to the popcorn popping in the microwave. We watched Disney movies and did puzzles and took long walks in the neighborhood. We spent time at the shore and up the mountains and if I could go back in time I would appreciate you more and not take one moment for granted because you never know when the rug can be pulled from underneath and lose everything that was so precious and close to your heart. I hope that your are happy and safe and that you know love and somewhere deep within your memory you can remember another time and another grandmother who loved you to the moon and back. Happy Birthday Ava Marie.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

What Kind of Fuckery is This Aging Thing?

I have never felt as ancient as I do now struggling with chronic lower back pain. The pain has been crippling as it prevents me from bending, sleeping, getting up out of bed or chair, walk or stand for any length of time. I have had issues with my back in the past but nothing like this. I am used to being very active and everything has been an effort lately. We took our granddaughter to the mall Friday night and by the time I left the mall I was practically limping to the car. We took a walk down Valley Green on Saturday to feed the ducks and Bill had to go get the car because I could not make it back up the trail after we fed the ducks. At the outdoor café, I had to get up several times out of the seat to move. Training last Friday at work was no better as I found myself getting up to stand. The pain travels down the right buttocks and right leg. Bringing the right leg up and over my left thigh relieves some of the nerve pain. This is miserable. We are moving in two weeks and I have to sit on the sofa to wrap breakables in bubble wrap then take breaks in-between. It will take me forever to pack at such a snail's pace. I tell myself to push through the pain while Bill tells me I have to rest my back in order for the inflammation to resolve itself. Who has time to rest? Who has patience to rest? Motrin does not work and I will never take anything stronger. I have seen too much damage to what opiates do to people and where it could potentially lead. I am as stubborn as I am without patience.

Regardless, I had a wonderful weekend spoiling my granddaughter.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

It Is Real

I have been counseling for the last eleven years and each time I learn of a death my heart breaks in sadness. This former patient was motivated and did everything that was suggested. This patient even checked in from time to time to give a progress report. This same patient relapsed and overdosed Friday night. I hate heroin. It is the devil incarnate. I hate how it destroys lives. So I came home from work with a heavy heart and questioned the choice of profession I made. I could always go back to the lab. I have 20 years experience in the lab. Instead, I filled up the tub and took a long warm bath then threw in some laundry, washed the dishes and set up the coffee for tomorrow morning. Bill is over his elderly uncle and aunt's house fixing "something". He takes very good care of them though I wish he were here so I can chat with him and hear words of encouragement and wisdom.

Tomorrow, I will go back to work and do it all over again with the hope that the current group can beat this disease.

Saturday, May 27, 2017


Is a title I do not cherish. As a matter of fact, I cannot seem to get it right. I am either over involved or not involved enough. I never know where I stand. One moment I am loved and the next moment I am hated. I will never be first because blood family will forever supersede me. Then there are the grandchildren. That is another story.

I wish I had a daughter. I had always wanted to have a daughter. I love my sons but a daughter would have been an allied.  Someone who had my back. Someone who would be there for me. Someone who could relate. Shop with. Get my nails done with. Someone who would ask for my advice. Someone who would be there for me in  old age.

Forever feeling like I am on the outside looking in. Feeling I want to be a part of but held at arm's length.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Beach House Weekend May 3 and 4.

This and That

These are the rosary beads from Ireland that were interred with Uncle Gene.